Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Bubba]

Imminent update is imminent! Dossier: The Warlord.

I've been sorely missing ME1 when I had good ol' Tyrannosaurus Wrex by my side. I was excited to recruit my new tank! Read the summary of the planet Korlus where this dude is located... violent crime and heavy pollution. Alec Guinness' voice drifted into my head "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy". Sounds like my kind of place.

I landed in a wide area of rubble which, as years of gaming has taught me, will be home to all sorts of undiscovered trinkets! Clearly I know f**k all though as I just spent ten minutes fumbling around a load of rocks. Huh, oh well.

Rounding a corner, I spotted a few Blue Sun troopers in the distance having a friendly game of Trivial Pursuit. How many bits of pie have you got, lads? Well here... have a slice of mine! HA! I should so be writing Hollywood action blockbusters. My pie consisted of sniper bullets to the head then I moved on.

I kept hearing the voice of some lady talking about random crap. It can be difficult sometimes to distinguish in-game voices from the voices in my head but I'm pretty sure she was part of ME2. I came across an injured Blue Suns soldier who was suffering quite badly from a life-threatening hangnail. Obviously fearing for his life, we did nothing to allay his concerns and used it to garner some information. He tells me about this lady (J'Adore) who runs the place... and whose voice I've been hearing. Phew! She's using our boy Dr Okeer the Krogan to create a Krogan army. Apparently though, things aren't going too well. I let the injured soldier rush off for treatment in case his hangnail fatally caught on the material of his sleeve.

More pesky Blue Suns on a higher-levelled bridge. I made short work with my sniper though. I find I run out of sniper ammo far too quickly. Bring back the overheat mechanic from ME1! After they were deaded, I pushed on and came across what looked like a suicide pact between a load of Krogans. Poor dead bastards. Ooh! Here's an alive one though! He was firing away at more troopers so I thought I'd help the guy out. We had a a quick chat with him afterwards and the poor dude is only seven days old but is fully grown?? He then told me about a voice in his head (Just one, mate? Lucky you) that sounds like our boy the warlord.

We crack on to try and reach this lab. We found some more dead bodies and decided to honour them by going through their pockets for credits. Two troopers seem to spot us and immediately run away. Well, of course. FEAR US, FOR WE BRING DEATH. We took them out anyway before rounding a corner and coming face-to-face with what they were actually running away from... some badass Krogan with more health bars than a Nutri-grain factory.

Now it took me a while to deal with just one of these guys. What does the game do next? Sends about 20 more of them one-at-a-time so I spent a lengthy amount of time taking these tanks out verrrrrrry slowly. I did not enjoy this. Next came a long meander with no encounters which always makes me nervous. Managed to grab some supplies though which including a sweet sniper rifle upgrade. Aww yis!

It's a shame I couldn't use the upgrade straight away as I was in my snipering element next! Have you ever tried one of those 'shoot the duck' stalls at a fairground? Well, it was like that... but without the ducks. Or the unwashed vendor taking your money. Anyhoo, fake ducks were down and I moved on. The problem with relying on the sniper, is that my close combat pistol shooting subsequently suffers. Hence, I was mowed down outside an office at the top of some stairs. Luckily, due to bad experiences in ME1, I save the game after every 5 seconds of action. This results in no replayed sections but can mean a long time between updates on this thread. Are you buying that? Probably not.

The waves of enemies were relentless going forward. A lot of them firing rocket launchers which simply shouldn't be allowed, except mine of course. I feel like I've climbed about fifty flights of stairs but we were finally getting closer to the Krogan's lab! After leaving a final grisly trail of dead Blue suns, we have our first meet with Dr. Okeer!

I like him. He's currently working on a cure for the genophage like Saren in ME1. By all accounts though, he's not using the most ethical of practises. After a brief chat, that J'Adore lady piped up over the intercom and started flooding the place with gas. How rude. She pleasantly invited us to what I assume was a coffee morning in the room next door. Ooh, I hope she's put some nice pastries on! Imagine my surprise then, when we arrive and it's just her and a load of Krogans trying to kill us. I assume Jack or Kasumi killed J'Adore because I only downed about three Krogans and the room was clear.

I thought we dispatched them quite quickly but upon our return to the lab Dr Okeer had been, inconveniently for him, gassed to death. I assume there is no way to save him? Ahhhh, all this time I thought the doctor was gonna be our new team mate when it turns out he has a Krogan monstrosity sat in a cupboard in his office! I thought at this point, the most sensible course of action would be to bring this potentially dangerous and psychotic genetically-bred Krogan onto the Normandy.

Once we were there, I again erred on the side of caution... I released him and hoped that he wouldn't tear the ship apart on a murderous rampage. I almost instantly regretted doing this as he was threatening to tear my face open. Shepard was not voted Most Charming Spectre 2183 for nothing though. After complementing his physique and expressing in interest in some of his hobbies, Shepard convinced Grunt to join the team!

Tune in next time when an awkward ship meeting culminates in Grunt refusing to own up to blocking the men's toilet.