Horizon

Four new recruits in tow, it's time for us all to get our hands/claws dirty! The Man Illusive informed us that there was a human colony under attack from Collectors. If we hurried, we could get down there and catch the shifty f**kers in the act. There was an exciting development in the form of a cut scene from Horizon. My main man Kaidan is down there kicking ass! Oh how I've missed your handsome face, Mr Alenko.

The colonists were under attack from those weird hornet things that were first out of the game in Jumanji. One sting and you're paralysed for the Collectors to... well... collect you. Luckily, Mordin is a genius and apparently we won't be affected by the Jumanji wasps. Time to get down there and kiss save Kaidan and his chums.

This level started in the usual way for us. Pick-ups picked up, enemies sniped, celebratory dance with Kasumi while Grunt gave us a disapproving look. A brief radio chat with Joker was cut short which frankly I found as a relief as Seth Green's voice grates on me. Looks like the Collectors know we're here and are blocking our comms. They were probably alerted when I shot their friends in the face two minutes ago.

Approaching a courtyard, I immediately regretted dancing with Kasumi mere moments earlier. Because clearly, my buttshake brings all the boys to the yard. There were Collectors and what the hell... Husks?! These glass dudes were everywhere in ME1 and they don't seem to have changed much. So are the Collectors and the Reapers working together now? Well, they're gonna rue the day that they decided to join forces as Shepard will ensure there will be some serious reapercussions!


After pausing the game for ten minutes to laugh at my own hilariousness, I cleared the courtyard and pressed on. Mini cut-scene in which Shepard says these Husks look stronger and more evolved. Really? They look like the same dozy bastards to me. More Collectors up ahead. I was able to sneak through a trailer (grabbing loot on the way) to get the jump on them. Death dealed, we ran up some stairs and happened upon some petrified humans. Looks like Professor Sprout better get cracking with some Mandrake potion.

A bit further along and ohhhhh yes! We picked up some sort of Collector, space-lazer weapon! It replaced my rocket launcher so it is obviously gonna be something special. I better save this for for when we're inevitably attacked by a pan-dimensional liquid beast from the Mogadon cluster.

My decision to save this mega-weapon I immediately regretted as some heavy-duty barriered Collectors tore me a new one within five seconds of the next encounter. These guys were tough! I had a couple of retries but I was keen to save my heavy weapon. I employed my usual cowering-behind-a-box technique while Grunt and Kasumi did all the hard work.

After hacking through a nearby door, I was confronted with some twitchy mechanic guy. It's safe to say the dude is not a big fan of the Alliance and I slapped him about the chops for daring to insult Kaidan. He did mention some defence systems that we could use against the Collectors though. Groovy.

I was really confused in the next fight. These chump enemies kept glowing orange and I had no idea what was going on. It turns out they were being possessed by some chief Collector as he kept talking jive at me. I decided it was time to break out the mega-lazer. The first guy in my sights was... well, it was Grunt as the daft prick ran in front of me. The second guy in my sights though was a possessed Collector and holy crap this gun is good! The pesky chief kept jumping from enemy to enemy chatting sh*t all the while. We exchanged a few 'your momma' insults before I finally cleared the area.

I was slowly making my way to the defence system when another wave of Husks and a couple of new enemies called Scions appeared. Eeesh, I don't like them. Hard as nails. Once down though, we reached a large area in which we could activate the Alliance defence system. Unfortunately, starting this system is slower than loading a ZX Spectrum game. I'm certain this process will take just long enough for three waves of Collectors to start some sh*t.

It was a tough fight culminating in the appearance of a giant Jumanji Wasp. If there was ever a time for me to rock my mega-lazer, it was now! He was particularly annoying due to his shield constantly refilling. We eventually wore him down though as I shot him lots, bent him over my knee and spanked his little bottom blue.

Cue cut-scene and I was ready for a slow-motion embrace between Kaidan and Shepard with some full on tongue action. I was sorely disappointed however when he basically said I'm a dick for siding with Cerberus. I didn't use all Paragon responses (though no Renegade ones) but at the end he just walked away! You're breaking my heart. man! With that, we were transported back to the Normandy.

Tune in next time when Shepard picks up a flower but his game of "He loves me, he loves me not" does not end like he'd hoped.