Miranda: The Prodigal

OK, we told Lantern we were ready to go. Let's go and get your twin, Miranda, so we can maybe arrange a threesome gain your loyalty.

We hopped on a number 46 bus and purchased a Day Saver (much cheaper than paying for two singles) to get to our location. We were greeted by a guy called Marc Leader who treated us like we'd just booted his dog. He did reveal to us however that Miranda is a great, big, dirty liar liar pants on fire. It turns out her sister is genetically her twin but she was actually a lot younger than Miranda. Also, Miranda kidnapped her sister when she was a baby. What the hell, woman?!

There was clearly no getting out of this fight so we took cover and tried not to get hit in the face by rocket launchers. The enemies were tough and quite far away... no probs! If I was a Harry Potter character I would be Professor Snipe... The Half-Hidden Prick. Enemies taken out.

We find a radio which triggers a cut scene partially involving Miranda's face but mainly involving her arse. It looks like her friend is double-crossing her. Also, she apologised to Shepard for being a fibber. She kidnapped her sister to protect her from her father. Hmmm, Daddy issues. I was nice to her though as she has a fantastic bum.

The next twenty minutes was 3 x enemy waves, grab loot, push on. I'll spare you all the details but rest assured, we were amazing. During this slaughter, we heard the voice of some cocky woman saying she's going to "deal with us herself". Is that right, bitch? Bring it on.

The identity of this lady was revealed when we ran into Miranda's old pal, Nike. He was in cahoots with this mercenary leader... Irish singer/songwriter Enya. Who'd have thought it? There was a bit of a to-do between Miranda and Nike. His betrayal did not go down well with her. She was seconds away from shooting him when I paragon-interrupted to say "leave it aaaaaot. He's not werf it" in my best scally-cockney accent. It mattered not as Enya dispatched Nike herself and triggered a final battle. Smurf you, Enya! You may have a lovely voice but I hated Sail Away and you're going down!!

I mean, not straight away though, obviously. Inconvenient goons of inconvenience showed up for us to deal with first. Once dealt with, it was just a matter of taking out the angel-voiced songstress. She was a right pain-in-the-arse actually but ultimately no match for our specials. Laterz.

Threat eliminated, we hot-footed it out of there. Miranda spotted her sister on the way out but was unwillingly to initiate conversation. Shepard told her to "stop being silly, sweetcheeks" and she ended up going over for a catch-up. No idea of the impact this will have later on as Miranda was quite upset when we left. No doubt I've just sentenced Miranda and her sister to death in ME3.

Tune in next time when Miranda causes controversy by turning up to the Normandy 'Dead Celebrity' Halloween party as Ashley Williams.