Dossier - The Assassin

I'm the sniper specialist. I should be the assassin. It could be added to my list of other titles... Commander, Spectre and Sex Bandit. Fine, whoever he/she is they better be pretty damn good.

We remain on Illium for this mission which suits me fine as I love it here. I'd already spoken to the lady that starts the quest. Sabrina the Teenage Asari was waiting over in Shipping. Shepard has no qualms about getting a car with a strange Asari so we soon off into the night. We had a semi-friendly chat before she dropped us off at the bottom of this huge tower. This place was apparently home to our potential new recruit and a crapload of Eclipse mercenaries. Bring it on!

I was thrust into action straight away as a couple of defenceless Salarians were gunned down by some naughty mech enemies. They then turned their attention to myself, Jack and Kasumi. Bad move guys, bad move. Once they were downed, I spotted that one of the poor Salarians was still drawing breath. A nice paragon interrupt moment allowed me to apply a soothing ointment and give the guy a back rub thereby saving his life. What additional information did this guy have to offer following my life-saving actions? He told us we're probably gonna get shot at in the tower. Cheers pal.

The next room we enter was full of conveniently-placed waist-high crates. I knew from my years of playing games this can mean only one thing... people are going to try and kill me. I found a cracking spot to crouch with my sniper rifle and soon the air was filled with the sounds of bullet-on-mech... as well as my teammates crying "Good shot!", "Nicely done", "Tally Ho" and all that jazz.

We moved around the next corner and the Eclipse mercs were now showing up in force too. The enemies here are relentless. There were a few irritating biotics too. Ugh, go away. When I'd cleared the entire floor of goons I finally had chance to do a bit of exploring. I hacked a terminal for credits and then found OOOOHH!! A Viper Sniper Rifle! This bad boy could fire a lot faster with no annoying reload after every shot. This made me exceedingly happy!

Before activating a nearby elevator, I hacked another door which housed three more Salarian dudes. It would seem our friendly assassin locked them in here to keep them safe from all the Eclipse. I suppose this was a nice thing for our assassin to do but it was just an empty room he stuffed them in. He/she could have left the poor guys a deck of cards or Monopoly or something.

I called the elevator and I was unsurprised to see a load of bad guys pour out when the doors opened. They were all pretty weak except a huge unwashed Krogan Bounty Hunter. I kept my distance. Mainly because he looked like he had breath that could cut through bank vaults.

Exiting the elevator further up the tower, it was time for Shepard to turn on the old charm once again. A merc there was flapping his gums about bad guy stuff. "Evil things grrrr! Death to all grrrr!" You know the stuff. Shepard chatted to him for two minutes during which time he became a changed man. He now has a smile on his face, a song in his heart... and pays £3 a month to sponsor a child in Africa.

We cleared the next huge room of enemies and there was another locked room with another two Salarians. They also had been locked up by the assassin for their own safety. They were clearly grumpy about it though as one of them pulled a gun on me. Shepard was on charm factor ten though and this exchange ended without incident. Apparently though, the assassin was taking out the Eclipse garbage pretty efficiently. Good effort, son! ...or daughter.

The next room was standard shoot-things-in-the-face fare with one particularly difficult Eclipse commando. Do I not like biotics. I just sent Jack and Kasumi to deal with him whilst I hid behind a crate. Delegation is the key to being a great leader.

There was just one last bridge to traverse at the top of the tower and we were home free. There were two annoying gun turrets making progress slow. Where is the mako when you need it? After a lot of fannying about I just took them out with my heavy lazer gun thingy. We pushed on into the penthouse for a final showdown with Nassana and her guards.

I actually did bugger all though as our assassin friend dropped in from the ceiling and took everyone out like Jason Bourne on crack. The guy's name was Thane and he's a bit of a strange cat. He prayed for all the people he just mercilessly killed and then told us that he was ill and dying or something. Whatever man, I'm not shelling out another £3 a month.

Luckily, he wasn't after charity and offered to join our team for free. Aye, go on then. We boarded the Normandy again where Jacob acted a bit dickish towards Thane for reasons unknown. Maybe Thane slept with his girlfriend behind his back and got her pregnant. Oh wait, no. THAT WAS YOU, PRICK.

Tune in next time when Thane is found to own a copy of Abba's Greatest Hits and is subsequently hung, drawn and quartered.