Dossier: Tali

The opening cinematic to this mission was a real tear-jerker as we see the tragic death of a planetary bug who spontaneously combusted. At least I thought this was the case until I stepped out into the sunshine. Man, it was like Dubai in July and I'd forgotten to bring Factor 5000 sunblock. OK, so sunlight can kill us. Now I just need to make sure we don't get wet or get fed after midnight.

We made our way cautiously to some blast doors. Locked. Dammit. Oh well, I didn't use Tali too much in ME1 anyway. I turn around to head back to the Normandy when I spot a little office off to the side. OK, we'll take a peek. We find a message from her and it looks like she's holed up here somewhere. Fine, we'll come and get you, you wacky Quarian! We popped open the blast doors and pushed on.

We'd barely taken a few steps inside when a dropship arrives dumping a load of geth in front of us. "Aha!" I thought. Surely these guys will be stupid enough to walk into the sunlight thus being fried like a cajun catfish! Well, yes they were but for some reason they are not affected by this dying sun going nova. Lucky them. Not that lucky though as we dispatched them in about ten seconds.

Next area was rammed with baddies waiting to be taken down. I like the stay-out-of-the-sun dynamic as it gives the usual easy fights an extra element of difficulty. Spices things up nicely! I found a sweet pistol upgrade and a few other bits as I mowed down enemies like the tornado of destruction that I am.

He then picked up a Quarian radio and had a chat with some Quarian called Kal Drogo. It looks like his team are there to extract Tali the same as us. We agreed to combine forces to rescue Tali which is awesome! Well, it would have been if a dropship hadn't shown up at that exact moment and wiped out the entire Quarian force. Lovely. Also, a huge concrete block was now blocking our progress which needed to be blown up with explosives. Explosives that I didn't have. Great.

So there were two charges lying around this area that I had to locate. Sounds simple enough. You just knew there was gonna be some trouble waiting for me though and hoooo boy... there was plenty. I managed to get myself trapped here getting shot at whilst also getting a lovely tan from the deadly sun. Cue very quick death. I eventually cleared the area as well as the concrete block courtesy of my newly acquired explosives.

The room behind had a few more pick-ups. It also had another recorded message from Tali reminding me to pick up milk, eggs and fabric softener from the local shop on my way there. As it happened, we were able to speak to Tali directly a moment later through a comms device. She was up sh*t creek without a paddle. She's in some building that's being attacked by geth and all her Quarian team mates have been horribly killed. Don't worry, Tali! I'll rescue you, fair bloom, or my name's not John Shepard, Space Adventurer.

This next bit can get to smurf. There were about a million drones (as well as geth) that kept flying towards us from the horizon. These little bastards only take one hit to kill but there were so many of them! Plus, when they work together they pack more of a punch than Punchy McPunchface. I ran out of sniper bullets twice trying to take these buggers down. Onward to the final showdown!

Tali's building was under bombardment from a load of geth and a particularly grumpy Colossus. Kal Drogo was in cover nearby so I thought we'd get the lowdown on what's shaking. His plan was to draw the fire of the Colossus so we could flank it and take it down. I paragon -interrupted him though to say "No way dude, you're sh*te and will no doubt f**k it up" or words to that effect. Either way, he agreed to stay low (and alive) while we took care of business.

I did take his advice though of using the far side catwalk to flank the Colossus. Getting across the platform was not simple though and I died a couple of times trying. By the time I made it across on my third attempt I was well done with this crap. I busted out my particle lazer and made quick work of the geth Colossus. Job done!

I finally came face-to-face with Tali who was mightily pleased to see me. Well, I am a handsome bastard. Kal Drogo showed up as well to announce that he was still alive. Tali was more than happy to join our team so she handed over her data to Kal Drogo and we were on our merry way. I think that's everyone I can get for now!

Tune in next time when the ship's annual Swingball competition gets way out of hand.