Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Bubba]

Samara - The Ardat-Yakshi

Why are all my team-mate's families so smurfed up? When we found Samara back on Illium, she was tracking down the Ardat-Yakshi (which is Japanese for 'nipple-clamp' - don't look it up, just trust me). It transpires that her target is actually her daughter and is really smurfing dangerous. I'll show you dangerous, love. Samara has discovered that her daughter is causing havoc down on Omega so we blast ourselves over there for a look-see.

There's only one go-to person for information on Omega and that's our Asari Disney princess, Arial. We head to Afterlife for a bit of a chin wag. Arial reliably informs us that the Ardat-Yakshi likes to seduce club-goers, take them back to her apartment then kill them. It also happens that she has had a recent victim. Time to do some investamagating!

Arial had given us the details of the victim's mother so we left Afterlife and tracked her down at some nearby apartments. The mother's name was Diana and she was clearly still traumatised by her daughter's death. Shepard's impromptu rendition of Michael Jackson's Dirty Diana did nothing to improve her mood. The victim was called Nerf who was an artist and a bit of a loner. Her behaviour had changed in recent weeks as she was constantly clubbing it with her new Asari friend. Hmmm... At the end of our conversation, Dirty Diana broke down in tears. I was able to paragon-interrupt here and Shepard consoled her by creepily rubbing her back.

We needed some more info so we decided to ransack Nerf's room. I'm sure she won't mind with her being dead and all. We looked through her recent video diary entries and I actually felt really sorry for her. She was clearly infatuated with Samara's daughter (her name is Morinth) who took advantage of her vulnerable nature. Our strategy suddenly became clear. We would use Shepard's ridiculous levels of charm to play Morinth at her own game. So Shepard changes into a chequered shirt, dark jeans and then splashes on some Old Spice. Time to go on the pull!

I remember being turned away from the VIP section earlier in the game. Not this time! We dropped the name Jaruut (gained from Nerf's video) at the door and we were in. Samara (who was keeping a low profile) gave me a bit of a pep talk before we got into the club proper. Pffft! I'm a handsome, charming Spectre. I don't need tips! Samara insisted though and it appears Morinth is drawn to confident, aggressive, artistic types. Gives me a nice excuse to go for some renegade options!

Apparently, she's going to be watching me from the moment I walk in so I need to make an impression. I'm barely through the door when I start chatting to this guy called Vag. He seems to have a bit of a thing for our Morinth and is trying to get tickets for a band that they both like. Cheers for the info, kid! I speak to another guy further along called Huffin or something. He was banging on about his reporter boss and some safe words. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. I was looking for my lady!

I then manage to convince a couple of Turians not to rob everyone before finally persuading the barman to give everyone a free round of drinks. Shepard was clearly on Charm Factor Ten so I wasn't surprised to see Morinth saunter over and invite me for a private chat. Too easy!

I then had an enjoyable chat with Morinth where I was being particularly arsey. It made me excited for my RenFemShep play through next! We discussed her favourite band, my love of danger before I dramatically recited Shakespeare's "Now is the winter of our discontent" speech and she was like putty in my hands. She didn't even hesitate in inviting me back to hers for some jiggy jiggy time. Lead the way!

I had a quick shifty round her apartment before making myself comfortable next to her on the sofa. I gave her the old Flyn Rider smoulder and she was all over me. I decided enough was enough though and hinted towards the real reason I was here. She was not pleased. Luckily, Samara appeared at this point wielding her biotic powers and I was suddenly caught between a mother/daughter clinch... and not the kind that I fantasise about.

Oooh, I wasn't expecting this! I was given the choice to help defeat Morinth OR Samara! Killing Samara is obviously the Renegade option. Does that mean Morinth takes Samara's place on your team? I suppose I'll find out next play through as I sided with my girl Samara this time. Her daughter was defeated and this mission was over!

Samara and I had a brief chat back on the Normandy to make sure she was OK. She's obviously quite sad but relieved at the same time. I decided this would not be an appropriate moment to tell her about my mother/daughter threesome fantasy.

Tune in next time when Shepard issues Grunt with a written warning when his extensive plushie collection causes a small fire in the cargo hold.