Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Bubba]

The Reaper IFF

OK, it's time to put my love life on hold and finish saving the entire universe. I've explored everywhere now so I joust over to the Stephen Hawking nebula and there is a derelict Reaper ship waiting for us. Ooh exciting! There was a mass effect field around the ship so Joker's approach was about as smooth as an Egyptian whiskey. The ship was on some kind of stand-by mode (which wastes electricity - turn off your TVs, folks!) and was orbiting a nearby planet. Joker steadies the Normandy and we board.

I remember Pumpkin saying ages ago that she'd like a mission with Kasumi and Tali. Sorry it's taken so long (if you're still reading!) but here it is! We're gonna grab ourselves this IFF so we finally use the Omega-4 relay and kick some Reaper arse on their own turf!

Things were a little too quiet for this first section. We grabbed some credits and watched a couple of recording of scientists doing researchy stuff. I can see things going to sh*t any minute now. Yup, here we go! Some turbulence hits and Joker Skypes us to say he can't pick us back up because he's got a doctor's appointment or something. It looks like we have to shut down the ship's barrier generator before we can get away. Great.

We were soon met with the familiar sight of bloodied corpses reminding us of our impending doom. More recorded messages now and the Reapers have been doing some freaky sh*t. Two of the scientists have had their minds transplanted. Kind of like more sinister version of the classic 80's movie Vice-Versa only without the comedic talents of Judge Reinhold and Fred Savage.

Our first action and it's those irritating husks. I have to say that the ship interior looks amazing and the music here was great. Really intimidating sporadic drum beats! I hate these smurfing husks. It felt like there were about a hundred of them. If you don't take them down quickly they just swarm you like locusts... big, zombie-man locusts.

The last few of these twats were gunned down by a mystery helper. Some cool-looking geth just took them out for us! I've obviously noticed we still have a slot for one more team member. Could this be you, perchance?!

More annoying husks round the next corner along with a particularly troublesome scion thing. We got more help further on by our new friend the geth sniper. He took out a few more husks for us. He looks a bit like Number Johnny Five from the movie Short Circuit so I'm just gonna call him Johnny for now.

Man alive, these husks are never-ending! I died a couple of times as it's so easy to get cornered... especially when you throw a couple more of those scions into the mix. Managed to grab a couple of upgrades before taking out a final (I f**king hope so anyway!) wave of husks. The next corridor led us to a number of pick-ups including the all-important IFF!

OK, last step is to take out the ship's barrier so we can finally be done with this husk orgy. The next room contained the huuuuuge generator and our friend Johnny Five was busy tapping away at the terminal next to it. Yeah, shut that bad boy down, Johnny! Unfortunately, he didn't get the chance to as he was surprised by a load of... (drum roll please)... husks! Shocker.

Our turn to try! Shepard took a different approach than Johnny when it came to shutting down the generator. We just stood there and shot the f**ker. After taking some damage, the generator core put up a shield and we had to deal with three waves of... yeah, them. The generator was eventually destroyed and we FINALLY had no more husk pricks to deal with. Yey!

One order of business before leaving was what to do with Number Johnny Five. He was pretty much out for the count so should Shepard take him with us and put the entire Normandy crew at risk?? Of course he should!

Back on the Normandy, Miranda and Jacob are arguing about whether we should keep Johnny Five. Bicker all you want, children, Johnny is staying! He was lay in the medibay so I turned him on (not like that, you perverts) and had nice chat with him... if it is a him. He was a man/thing of few words but I did quite like his persona. I asked what we should call him and he said we should call him Geth. No sorry pal, that's unoriginal. Plus, the guy from Manchester Specsavers that f**ked up my last prescription was called Geth and that guy was a prick. We settled on Legion which I quite liked!

Joker and EDI install the IFF onto the Normandy but it needs time to upload. Joker said maybe I should go and do some side missions while I wait. Maybe you should get f**ked mate, I've done them all.

Tune in next time as Shepard denies Legion's request to use the ship's supply of WD40 as aftershave.