Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Bubba]

The Penultimate Update That Doesn't Have A Name... Mission

OK, so EDI and joker have been busy installing Java IFF. This will mean that we can jump through the Omega 4 Relay without being reduced to tomato purée. EDI says they just need to do a little more testing and we're good to go. Shepard and the rest of the crew decide that is the perfect time to all get in the shuttle and swan off to a spa planet for a little R & R. I'm sure leaving Joker on his tod won't lead to any negative repercussions.

With our main crew gone, a Reaper ship suddenly appears next to the Normandy which is clearly not a good thing. We aren't able to blast away from danger, they board us... and Joker has to stroll around a reaper-infested Normandy manually resetting consoles. Lovely.

EDI has kindly lit a path on the floor for us and I had no intention of veering off track. Especially as whilst Joker is calmly walking past the galaxy map, a Reaper hops out of the elevator and starts tearing crew members apart. Joker nonchalantly whistles Mack the Knife as he walks past the carnage and into Mordin's lab.

We head down a shaft in here to emerge on the 3rd floor and meet Joker's saviour! Crewman Hawthorne is here and says "Don't worry, Joker. I will protect you from any and all danger!" Thanks pal! We round the corner and Hawthorne is immediately grabbed by a Reaper and flung fifteen feet across the floor. Damn it, Hawthorne! Sh*t like this is why you're not in Shepard's main crew.

Hawthorne's short flight was distraction enough for Joker to make it into the medi-bay and the AI core. He then does some keyboard-tapping so EDI can activate the ship's defences. His shaft-crawling isn't done yet though as he needs to go down to level 4.

This next floor was full of Reapers and Joker decided to sneak up behind one. This was a spectacularly bad move as it just turned around and immediately murdered me. I hadn't realised there are no automatic saves on this part so I had start the entire section again. Excellent. Second time round and I made Joker wait in the shadows until the coast was clear.

We finally reach the engineering wing and activate the console. EDI has the brilliant idea of opening all the windows and flying really fast. As long as Joker is sealed in engineering, this should boot the Reapers quicker than Shauna boots the EoFF bots. Apparently, all our crew have been captured so there was no danger to them. Let's do it!

EDI's move was a success and the Reapers were goners. It was that moment that Shepard sent Joker a snapchat of himself on a sun lounger with a cocktail. Hope you enjoyed your rest, you f**kers. Shepard and crew returned as soon as they heard what happened. There was no way we were gonna let the Reapers get away with this. Time to head through the Omega 4 Relay!

There was a two-hour wait until this could be activated, cue cut-scene! Jack came into Shepard's cabin in tears. Oh man... I guess she heard about mine and Liara's... encounter. Oh, no she hadn't! She was just a bit upset about things that had happened in her past. I fully intended to tell her about Liara but there were only two options. One was the renegade "go away" option and I'm not a heartless bastard. I chose the other option which was a comforting one and... I don't know what happened but suddenly we were kissing! It all happened so fast and I didn't mean it! Honestly, Liara. It was an accident!

Not wanting to think about either of their reactions when they find out... I decided to face the less-scary proposition of the Omega 4 Relay and the Collector Base. Shepard gives a stirring address to the crew to rival Bill Pullman's speech in Independence Day. Also, the Illusive Man stops by to tell me how incredibly fantastic I am. Well that kind of goes without saying, mate.

The moment of truth! We blast ourselves through the relay and hope for the best. Joker pulls some pretty sweet moves to avoid us crashing into a million derelict spacecrafts. We made it! There were a few cut scenes where certain crew members make a point of saying "Boy, am I glad we got that Normandy upgrade!" I can only assume if we didn't then some of us wouldn't have made it.

One thing we couldn't avoid though was these scary eyeball robot things that followed the Normandy. Joker managed to take most of them down but one sneaky bastard penetrated the hull. Nobody boards the Normandy without a formal invitation! It is extremely rude. Shepard takes a team down there to expel the unwanted intruder.

Sh*t man, this thing can hurt you! I decided to bust out the heavy weaponry to make short work of it. It still took a while as it was a stubborn bastard but we eventually wear it down. The damage had been done though. The Normandy was no more than a floating turd and we crash land as close to the Collectors as possible.

Well, we might be on a guaranteed death-trip but we can at least take the Collectors out while we're here! My final decisions before our final assault was to select a team for the mission. I made Tali my tech specialist and Garrus my special team leader. Time to finish this!

Tune in tomorrow for my final ME2 update!