Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Bubba]

Tuchunka: Turian Platoon

Time to save some more ass and hopefully recruit some more bodies to take down these damn Reapers!

The son of the Normandy's own General Victus was leading a ragtail platoon of Turians down on Tuchunka and have gotten themselves into a spot of bother. Lieutenant Victus Junior (who I later found out has the first name of Tarquin! Uber-posh, son!) and his platoon were pinned down by a group of unruly Cannibals, a load of husks and worst of all... a harvester?

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I mean, I get that wheat, oats and barley would cower in fear at this mighty machine but a group of tough, Turian soldiers? Sort yourself out, Tarquin!

We were here to investigate a downed ship that Tarquin had provided a nav point for. Let's get cracking! All is quiet at the start as we creep up a few ramps before we eventually come across a group of three husks huddled together playing a game of gin rummy. It must have been an enthralling game as I was able to sneaky-sneak up on them and shotgun them all on the back of the head.

We push on and find an escape pod with some of the Turian group under fire from Cannibals and HOLY HELL! A Harvester is a huge flying, scaly, bat/horse/dragon thing! It looked a bit like a cross between Drogon and the queen from the Alien movies. Luckily, none of the enemies had spotted us yet. Not eager to anger this beast, I took a moment to watch them all pummel this pod before I eventually noticed the health bar in the top right-hand corner. *sigh* I suppose I better engage.

I snipe the Cannibals before turning my attention to Queen Drogon. I decide to go with my pistol grenade things as she was a big target and they just stuck to her and exploded. Good strategy if I do say so myself! I thought I'd made quick work of her but she flew away when she had just a sliver of health left. Bitch!

The next area was basically a carbon copy but with different terrain. You know the old nursery rhyme... Blam Blam, thank you mam, the harvester flew away. Pulled up her socks and off she trots to fight another daaaayy!

The final encounter is made ultra-awkward with the inclusion of one of those bastard brutes. I hate these f**kers. They just come lumbering up to you and are all like... "Hi, nice to meet you. Oh, that's a nice shield. Would you mind terribly if I just REMOVE IT WITH ONE SWIPE OF MY SCABBY CLAW?!!!"

Time to bust out the old Overload and high-powered ammo. It still took a bit of time with all the Cannibals blundering in with their size 9's. We also finally took down the flying combine harvester as well. It stuck around a tad too long this time and... *adopts Gandalf voice* "At last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside"

A conversation with Tarquin in the final cut-scene reveals that he made a bit of a boo-boo in his command which cost the lives a load of his soldiers. Oh dear. Wait till I tell your Daddy back on the Normandy. He will not be pleased.

Unfortunately, we don't have time to grass dear Tarquin up to his dear Daddy. Some sneaky Turians have planted a bomb on Tuchunka to try and wipe out the Krogans. This is doing nothing to help my attempt at diplomatic relations between the different races. Pull it together, guys!

Tune in next time when Tarquin's request to bring his top hat and monocle to the bomb mission is immediately shot down by Shepard.