Priority: Tuchunka

We're off to cure the genophage! OR ARE WE? We receive a call from that important female Salarian, Dallatrix Lestrange. She voices her concerns over whether or not we should cure it at all and... ooooooh! She wants us to sabotage the mission for the good of all the races in the galaxy. Hmmm... decisions, decisions!

We start the mission with a spot of husk-swatting. It's weird, even though I'm an infiltrator, the shotgun has been my go-to weapon so far. I run around dispatching them all before a cut-scene is triggered. We've brought Padok Wiks (we shed another tear for Mordin ) along to help complete the cure. It's fair to say that he has hardly been given a warm welcome by the Krogan but Eve (our sexy Krogan female) steps up, defends him and puts the Krogan in their place with a speech to rival Martin Luther King... "I have a Dream. That my poor little Salarian... etc etc"

We climb into our vehicle and head off. There was a little moment with Eve previously and now she asks us what was up. Here we go! Do we reveal Dallatrix's plot or do we keep shtum? There is no way I'm lying to my boy Wrex so I immediately blab about Lestrange's plan. Eve thanks us profusely for saving another genocide whilst Wrex says "See, I told you we could trust him." Awww! I love you too, man!

Our line of vehicles rumbles on before we arrive at a gap in the road. "Floor it. There might be an incline, floor it!" Sorry, I watched Speed again recently. We stop and have a bit of a snoop round before... fuuuuuuuuck! A ship comes crashing down on our location wiping out most of our trucks and killing a load of Krogan. Not the best start.

There was an entrance on the other side of the road which was literally our only option. It led down into some scary-ass tunnels that were pretty much pitch black. It was also a smurfing maze. I kept expecting to turn a corner and have my face eaten by some mutant space zombie. Ahhh, I want my mummy! No, no, pull it together, Shepard. You're a damn Spectre. Act like it, man!

As I was fumbling around, I found a few cave paintings on the wall which inexplicably gave me thousands of credits. All-righty then. Suddenly, a pale, alien face appeared in the darkness. I immediately panicked and fired off my shotgun then furiously tried to reload before realising it was just Garrus. Ahem. As you were, team. I hate it in here.

So, apparently there is a resident Thresher Maw here that we would do well not to come into contact with. Something tells me we aren't going to get much choice in the matter. Pushing past an alien corpse we finally reach some stairs and get the hell out of this cave. Thank smurf.

Oh goody, an ambush. To be honest, after the creepiness of the last place, I actually welcoming a good old-fashioned scrap! It was easy pickings apart from a Brute which are just the worst. We reach a really cool looking bridge with a load of Krogan statues on either side. Impressive! Far less impressive was my death only moments later. A load of nasties popped out of the opening at the far end of the bridge. "OK!" I thought. "Time for some snipey-snipey action!" I picked off a couple before exposing myself (not like that) for too long and taking a missile to the face. Shield destroyed. It was at this precise moment that a few husks (whom I didn't notice were flanking me) started beating the crap out of me. I died

Adjusting my tactics (and field of vision) slightly, I emerged victorious second time around. We cross the bridge and... AAAAAGGHHHH!!!! Queen Thresher Maw shows up and she's smurfing huge! She knocks a hole in the bridge before buggering off. I am not looking forward to facing up to her. We have more pressing matters though. A huge Reaper is situated at a nearby temple and whelp... it looks like we're gonna have to take it down.

OK, give me a minute to come up with a plan here. It was either Wrex or Eve that suggested... "Why don't we lure Queen Thresher Maw over to the Reaper and let them duke it out?" Yeah, that sounds like a plan that can't go wrong. I remember a similar tactic being used in Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and we all know how that one turned out, don't we? What's that, you don't? Yeah, me neither.

We initiate the plan and amazingly it seems to be working. We arrive at the Reaper's location and it certainly seemed distracted. We simply had to activate a couple of switches near this temple and we're all good! Only... we're not all good. A tribe of Brutes show up and I immediately crap myself. Five of them! FIVE!

They were all charging my position so I bravely stood my ground legged it to the other side of the arena in floods of tears. This isn't fair! I'll spare you the full details of this encounter. Let's just say it involved a lot of running back and forwards, shooting from afar and keeping well out of their way.

Once that threat was removed, it was just the Reaper we had to deal with. Let's get these switches activated! The Reaper had other ideas though and every time I tried to get to one he'd stick a huge, dirty leg in my way. But just like making a good Sunday roast dinner, it's all about the timing. Skilfully darting underneath, we manage to activate both switches to trigger an awesome final cut-scene.

The Reaper decides to focus all it's attention on us which will surely mean certain death only... BOOM!!!!! Queen Thresher Maw jumps up and grabs it from behind, wraps around it and takes it down! AMAZING!!

A sad moment here as it was time for Padok Wiks to journey to the top of the tower and finally cure the damn genophage. The only problem being that it would be a one-way trip Padok, my man. We haven't known each other that long but you are a true hero. His last words were to the effect of "It isn't up to us to control the population of a species." What a legend.

That was the end of Priority: Tuchunka! Wrex and Eve look like they're gonna go off to make millions of Krogan babies so I hope curing the genophage was the right call! Eve told me her real name too but I didn't quite catch it. It sounded something like 'balaclava' but maybe I'll wait for her to contact me to avoid any awkwardness.

Tune in next time when Shepard gets all drunk and depressed after reading the initial reviews of Mass Effect: Andromeda.