Arrae: Ex-Cerberus Scientists

Time to claim some former Cerberus employees for my own! We land on Arrae and it would appear that Cerberus do not take kindly to people handing in their resignation. Maybe they didn't give four weeks' notice or something but still... gunning them down seems harsh.

They were under heavy fire as soon as we landed. Shepard was in confident mood and was busy humming "you can fight like a Krogan, run like a leopard but you'll never be better than Commander Shepard" whilst taking out Cerberus soldiers. A familiar face takes a bullet to the torso... it's Jacob! Hang on, pal. Be there in a jiffy!

We mop up the stragglers and head into the hangar to chat to everyone and ohhhh... it looks like I'm about to find out who Jacob cheated on Pumpkin's FemShep with! We're introduced to head-honcho scientist Dr. Cole (fair play Jacob, she's pretty hot) who gives us the run-down. We need to get a satellite dish back on line along with the facility's anti-aircraft guns. These poor ex-Cerberus peeps will then be free to leave!

We pick up a load of cool gear and chat to everyone. If I'd not known about Pumpkin's issues, I would have thought that Jacob and Dr. Cole were quite sweet. Ah well, I'm gonna help you all out regardless because I'm nice.

In the words of Ace Rimmer, "Roight, let's get cracking!" We climbed up to the roof and oh hello Cerberus-people-that-can't-see-us! Don't mind me while I just explode your heads with my deadly sniper rifle. Within minutes we'd achieved our first objective and the satellite was back on line.

Okily-dokily. Time to get those guns going again! It was a bit of a trek to the anti-aircraft guns and sh*t the bed... I lost my shield in about a second thanks to a trigger-happy Cerberus dude at a gun turret. OK, hide. We took out the on-foot goons before creeping slowly forward like a leopard (everyone! - "but you'll never be better than Commander Shepard!!") keeping out of the turret's sights.

When close enough, I tried sniping the guy at the turret but I could barely see him. All of a sudden though, the firing stopped and when I climbed up there... he was nowhere to be seen. Either my bullet had a delayed effect or he evaporated. Unlikely it was the latter.

OK, almost there! We activate one of the AA guns but the other one is all "computer says no" so I tell Garrus to get fixing it whilst me and Kaidan, the old team, kick ass! Oh yeah, this is my first mission with Kaidan this game. It's good to have him back!

Whilst Garrus was busy, a load of drop ships turned up and ohyesohyesohyes... the gun turret from before is obviously now free! These guys were sorry they ever decided to jump out of their ships. I was deadly! Goons were exploding in mid-air before they'd even hit the ground! It was literally the opening scene from Saving Private Ryan and lasted barely a minute. Cerberus dead, AA guns repaired!

We head back into the facility heroes, though no-one came to congratulate us on our brave bravery. Fine then, I'll leave your sorry asses to get killed next time. We get everyone ready to evacuate and our mission is almost over UNTIL... dramatic capitalised word... a mech shows up to try and scupper our escape. I equip some disruptor ammo on it's ass and that was all she wrote!

We make our escape and have a brief chat with Jacob. I suppose I'd be willing to add him to my crew but his heart was elsewhere, namely his luuuuurvergirl, Dr. Cole. Fine pal, off you trot. There was no mention of her being pregnant but I may have missed that, I'm not sure. Congrats anyway, you two!

Tune in next time Dr. Coles' paternity test are revealed live on The Jeremy Kyle Show with some surprising results.