Priority: Geth Dreadnought

Oooooooohhh exciting!!!

The Quarians (who haven't committed their forces to the cause as of yet ) are in a space battle with some Geth Dreadnought. They are finding it difficult so it's up to Shepard and the team to utilise the Normandy's stealth runs and sneaky-sneak in under the radar. Also, I was right! The lovely Tali has joined us and is in my three-person team! A rather splendid cinematic occurs and before we know it... myself, Tali and Garrus are heading to the dreaded... err Dreadnought.

OK, so here we g... what the hell is this?? We're doing a spot of space-walking through a long docking tube. This would be fine if not for the inconvenient gaps along the way. Trying to walk around this tube whilst also approaching the Dreadnought was disorientating. Luckily, I'm amazing and made it there with little trouble.

This was a solo Shepard jaunt as my team-mates for some reason decided not to join me. Cowards. Oh, that's right, I had to open a door for them. Why we couldn't all go together I don't know. Probably another plot point that I missed. Either that or Tali has turned into a spoiled princess since ME:2. As soon as we're all together, Tali gives us a new pistol (cheers love) and we have the Operations Centre marked on our map. We then use some bridge controls to open our way forward. Exciting!

Activating these controls triggered a wave of Geth who have finally cottoned-on to the fact that there are intruders on their ship. Dumb asses. I called on the services of Snipey McSniperface and they were picked off from afar like apples from a tree... using a long picking device to pick the apples with... ahem.

The next room was made trickier by some cloaked Geth hunters. They had the annoying habit of materialising right in front of my face. When this happened, they made clear their intentions were not amorous so I shot them in the face with my shotgun.

My excitement for this level was waning slightly as it was just a case of deal with wave, go to next room, deal with wave, etc. For a moment, I could have been back playing ME:1 again until... SHOCKWAVE (...and I don't need anyonnne!) Things suddenly got interesting as a shockwave kept pulsing through the ship which, unless you were hiding behind a crate, would remove your shield entirely because, you know, crates are impervious to shockwaves.

This did make things much more exciting! There would be a weird rumbling-generator sound and then the wave would come! Pow! The warning sound was weird. Do you remember those vuvuzela trumpets that ruined the 2010 football world cup? Well, it sounded nothing like that.

I did some impressive jack-in-a-box popping in and out of cover. Sniping geth, duck for the waves,Pic 7.jpg pop back up and snipe again. I was f***ing amazing. Eventually, we reach the end of this section and activate the controls which turned the shockwaves off though I was actually enjoying them

Some good ol' fashioned platform jumping followed until we got to another tunnel and YEY! More shockwaves! there should be a Mass Effect Shockwave Difficulty where the entire game is spent ducking from shockwaves. Actually no, that is a terrible idea. Ignore me. I used the same snipe-and-duck tactics here and eventually we find ourselves in an elevator to the ship's core. Ooooooooohhh!!

We walk in and sh*t-the-bed! It's Legion! He's suspended by his arms and legs in a device that wouldn't look out of place in Horny Helga's House of Pain. The Geth are using him to do erm... bad, bad things like reeeeeeallly bad stuff. I should really pay attention to these cut scenes. We fiddle with a few panels and Legion is free from all the bad things they were making him do. That's it! He was powering their shields so the Quarians couldn't destroy the Dreadnought!

It came as no surprise that a wave of Geth immediately followed this. This wouldn't have been a problem but the wave included two Geth Primes which are ultra-annoying. I brought out the heavy artillery for these bad boys and after a prolonged exchange, I finally smote my enemies and left their ruins for the crows... there could be crows, you don't know.

Hooray! Now, we can make our escape before the Quarians start... HOLY SH*T!! They've started shooting at the ship already! WE'RE STILL ON BOARD, YOU PRICKS. Explosions everywhere. We're flying all over the place because there is no longer gravity. Luckily, Legion gives us a helping hand and we escape the Dreadnought just before it's demise. Phew!!!

Once back on the Normandy, we made it clear to the Quarian general that we did not appreciate them trying to kill us. I resisted the temptation to renegade interrupt but I'm sure I'll enjoy whatever it was when I play through again as renegade FemShep. I also manage to convince the Quarians not to dismantle Legion as the dude did us a solid. Plus, he'll be handy to have round if we need any tins opening.

Tune in next time when Legion makes a Spanish omelette using his 'groinal attachment' and nobody is brave enough to try it.