Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Bubba]

Priority: Thessia

Despite the death of Legion, things were looking up. Neither the Quarians or the geth had perished and they have both agreed to fight the reapers with us. Excellent! Right, I think it's about time to completely f**k things up.

My dear Liara's homeworld of Thessia was under serious attack from those crazy-ass Reapers. Obviously this was unacceptable and Shepard rushes to the aid of the Asari in order to receive some mind-blowing sex save the ancient race.

The familiar sound of sh*t-hitting-fan was clear for all to hear when our dropship landed. Shepard, Liara and Kaiden were sprinted down a ramp to assist some Asari under heavy fire. Within seconds of getting down there the barrier they were conjuring (conjuring? Creating? Casting? Idk...) was destroyed and Husks were pouring through!

Oooh, a gun turret! Time for a spot of husk-hunting. Shepard jumps behind the controls and what do we have here?? There were a load of Brutes heading over the horizon. Shepard shouts "Et Tu Brute?!" and mows them all down. He helps Liara and Kaidan mop up the Husks and we have saved Thessia! Well, not quite. We chat briefly to the Asari Commander Kurin and we need to head to a place called Outpost Tykis. I'm betting that things there will not be all sunshine and roses.

It would be an understatement to say that the buildings on Thessia could use a lick of paint. Unless the theme they were going for was crack den after nuclear explosion. Enemies here were pretty straight-forward. Marauders a-marauding, husks a-husking, banshees a... what now? What the hell is a banshee?

Ahhh, ok. It turns out banshees are mutated Asari that are controlled by the Reapers. Nice. Well no, not nice at all. They are horrible. You know the pain you get when you bang your shin on a coffee table? Well judging by the noise they make, they experience this pain constantly. They teleport around, screaming and trying to kill you. No thanks, game. I'm all good. My ridiculously souped-up sniper eventually took care of it but it was still brown-trousers time.

We proceed into more demolished buildings and there were some Asari snipers under fire from a couple of Cannibals. Oh lovely! We were approaching the Cannibals from behind and they were unaware of our presence We stealthily stealthed over, stole their pocket money and gave them a wedgie... before killing them to death.

We help the snipers clear out the area the other side of them and...sweet! An even better sniper rifle! A bit further along there was an Asari soldier in a spot of bother. Her platoon/regiment/people-she-was-with were all dead. You're in the company of Commander Shepard now, love. All is well.

To be honest, I didn't actually need to do an awful lot. The lone Asari called for help on her radio and an Asari gunship showed up and blasted everything to sh*t. It was taken out straight after but still, cheers for the help dudes!

There was a clusterf**k of enemies further up the slope. Husks, Ravagers, Marauders, banshees (shudder) and two flappy-ass Harvesters. This was not as troublesome as it sounds, surprisingly. The fact that I spent 90% of the time behind cover may have been the reason for this... *Shepard uses Unity again* "Come on, guys. Put some effort into it"

At the very top of the slope was the Asari temple. Ooooh, fancy! There were lots of old Asari artefacts on display along with a huge statue. Luckily, Shepard has an in-built Prothean beacon radar and calmly tells Liara that this huge statue is one of them. Wasn't expecting that one! The beacon also thinks Shepard is a Prothean and basically says "Come touch my artefacts... come turn me on". We run around touching all the old Asari stuff and the beacon is revealed!

Oooooohhhhh!!!!!! It's similar to the beacon found on Mars and would appear to explain why the Asari are the most advanced race in the galaxy! Here was me thinking they were just more evolved than us. They've been scumming Prothean technology to advance themselves, the sneaky bastards!

Anyway, the beacon spits out an old Prothean AI and we're on the cusp of gaining the information we need to complete the Crucible and kick the Reapers to the kerb! There appeared to be one more monkey in the wrench though... Kai Leng. Looks like we'll have one more boss battle before this mission is through.

Before fisticuffs though, he shows us a familiar face. The Illusive Man! He too is after the information contained in the beacon. Over my dead body, pal! Realising that my dead body was a distinct possibility, I thought I'd be cautious in the coming fight.

CLEARLY THIS WAS THE WRONG APPROACH. I managed to get his shields down a couple of times but he just regenerated and before I knew it he'd done a runner WITH OUR CRUCIBLE INFO and we were left to watch the destruction of the Asari planet of Thessia... what have I done? Please tell me this happens regardless and I haven't smurfed up in a huge way??

Tune in next time when Shepard buys Liara some chocolates in order to apologise for letting millions of her people die and her planet be destroyed.