Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Bubba]

Priority: Horizon

Following my horrible failure on Thessia, it was time to dust ourselves off then kick some Cerberus arse. There's no way they're getting away with causing pain to my darling Liara. You better put some lotion on, boys... because you're about to get a spanking!

Traynor managed to track Kai Leng to a Cerberus-owned facility called Horizon. We head on over there and like most locations at this point in the game... it's a sh*t tip. There's fire and debris everywhere and this only gets worse as a Cerberus drop ship crashes right near us and spews out a few goons. Oooh yeah, I'm just itching for a good fight... bring it on!

We take them out with ease and enter the facility. There are a few PDA's dotted around and also a video log from ol' perky-ass, Miranda! It seems she's tracked her sister here and suspects that her father had a hand in her disappearance. Talk about a Family Feud! "I'll take 'Daddy issues' for 200, Alex!" Hang on, that's Jeopardy isn't it? Ignore me.

The next area has a guy relaxing on a lilo in the middle of a huge swimming pool. No wait, he's dead... and it isn't a pool. Well, whatever this large body of water is, we press a switch to drain it. There's nowhere to go except into the newly-drained pool which contained some Reaper tech... possibly a snow-cone maker. There was also a secret passage in the empty pool. Onward!

We arrive at a new room and are tasked with turning on the power. This is all very Resident-Evil, so far! We access a nearby computer and holy sh*t... Cerberus are bad, bad people. I mean, we already knew this BUT STILL. This 'sanctuary' was just a facility for Cerberus to turn all the refugees into Husks!

The next room has another console where we see Miranda and her sister being pursued by that walking vomit-stain, Kai Leng. I hope we're not too late to tear this guy a new one. HUSKS! A lot of them. I suppose this was expected considering the amount of refugees that would have been turned here. I refused to think about them as former people though... they were now smelly husks so I went pew! pew! Bish bash bosh. Job done.

We then bust up an anger management meeting between a couple of marauders, a banshee and a ravager. Clearly their meetings aren't going very well as they seemed very angry. Luckily for them, their meetings will no longer be required as I took them out... and I don't mean for a steak and a nice bottle of shiraz.

We descend some stairs into a room with a couple more audio logs from Miranda's troublesome Dad. I scan the rest of the room and legitimately nearly soiled myself when I approached a window... there was a banshee on the other side literally inches from my face. Smurf off, Horizon with your Resident Evil-style scares!

A new room, a new set of ugly-faced, freak-shows to deal with... and deal with them I did . A new PDA gives us a big reveal... Miranda's Dad is working for the Illusive Man! Well yeah, I'd kind of already figured that out but thanks anyway, game. Mr Lawson and Charlie Sheen's Dad were discussing their experiments which changed refugees into Husks. It's strange they would leave this incriminating evidence just lying around on a desk but hey ho.

We pushed on and an interesting 'double-corridor' fight took place. Cannibals down the left one, Ravagers to the right (Everyone! "Here I am, stuck in the middle with you!!"). I berated Tali and Garrus as they kept walking in front of the Ravagers and getting killed. Then I remembered I'm the Commander and should be telling them where to go. OK fine, I'll do that... though I would've thought "don't walk into a barrage of oncoming fire" is common sense. This was certainly a dangerous corridor so when I downed what I thought was the last enemy... I waited. Just to make sure. Eventually, the game flashed me a message saying "Search the Perimeter" which is another way of saying "Get a move on, you smurfing coward."

Final battle time! We activate a little platform taking us to the other side of the facility only to find three brutes and a banshee... which sounds like the name of a Norwegian death metal band. A combination of Garrus' Overload, Tali's combat drone and my awesomeness were enough to nullify the threat. Lovely!

We hear gunfire from the next room... it turns out the Lawson Jeopardy/Family Feud was in full swing! Daddy Lawson had his daughter (Oriana) held hostage while Miranda was standing off. Tense! Will Mr Lawson make it out of this Family Feud alive? Our survey says...

III ERRR!!! Or, whatever the noise for an incorrect answer is on Family Feud in your respective country. Fun fact: In the UK, the show is called Family Fortunes. The more you know

Anyway, back to this game I'm playing. Shepard manages to convince her Dad to let Oriana go. Yey, no-one dies! Miranda had other ideas though and biotic-punched her Dad through a glass window and he fell to what I'm sure was a horrible, splattery death. Ah well, they didn't sound that close anyway. Mission completed!

Tune in next time when George R R Martin is drafted in to write the end of ME:3 resulting in the destruction of the entire universe.