Priority: Cerberus headquarters

OK. We've found the Illusive Man's hideout at the arse-end of some galaxy. We need to recover the Prothean VI which holds the key to completing the Crucible that should enable us to finally defeat the Reapers.

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Good.

EDI is a mandatory part of the squad for this escapade and I also bring Garrus for his sexy voice. A quick Skype to Admiral Hackett reveals that attempting this mission will let the Reapers know about our plans with the Crucible. I thought it was strange that the Hack man gave me a choice of proceeding or waiting. Ahhhhh, this must be the ol' point of no return. Well, I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Let's go!

Joker gets us in close and we shuttle our way into the hangar. I was foolishly hoping we would take them by surprise and they would all be taking coffee breaks or something... no such luck. We were met by Troopers, Centurions, a Nemesis and a damn Atlas Mech.

The hangar was huge and had limited cover but it wasn't too tough. They seemed to have borrowed a smoke machine from the 80's rock band Van Halen as I could barely see any of them. Luckily, I thought it prudent to update a lot of my weapons prior to this mission and my sniper had a smoke-scope thingy... nowhere to hide, f**knuts! I saved the mech till last and thoroughly enjoyed sniping the pilot through the cockpit window.

My glorious victory was short-lived however. Once the hangar was clear, EDI told me "We need to deactivate the hangar vent". No worries, Just gonna have a little scout around of the area. "Shepard , we need to deactivate the hangar vent." OK fine, where is it? "Shepard, the hangar vent needs deactivating." WHERE IS IT, YOU METAL DICK?!!


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Oh for f**ks sake.

Fortunately, we re-spawned after the hectic hangar battle and I managed to find some well hidden ladders up to... well would you look at this!! A deactivation point for the hangar vent! Cheers EDI, you could have told me it was on the upper level. I wasn't happy with that death, especially considering there was no timer

Activating the vent alerted more troops to us. I was in a bad mood now so I wasn't taking any sh*t. We blew the troopers away and made our way down a couple of ladders. My spirits lifted slightly when I was able to fiddle with some rotation controls and send a Cerberus ship hurtling through a set of closed hangar doors. Pretty cool, game. More stuff like this please

The fiery hole it left behind just happened to be the perfect size for an Atlas Mech to come sauntering through. Do Atlas Mechs saunter? I dunno but this one did. The anger from that sneaky death was still burning inside me though and I dispatched him and his cronies, ruthlessly. I mean seriously... I was ruthless. There was literally no ruth to be seen anywhere. That chick has gone, scarpered, disappeared.

Like a turd after a curry, we passed through the burning hole and found ourselves in a series of rooms with terminals giving us some interesting insights. We learn a bit more about the Lazarus Project which is the only reason I'm still playing this game. I appreciate your efforts, everyone! Also, EDI's origins were revealed to be from the Rogue VI that we dealt with way back in ME1! She'd been engineered with additional Reaper tech too. I did enjoy that link back to the original game.

Anyway, we jump down a random blue hole because it seemed like the right thing to do and find ooooohhhh! It's the leftovers of the Terminator boss we fought at the end of ME2! Thankfully he's still well and truly deaded and we just had to deal with Nemeses and Phantoms on these awkward catwalks. Popping in-and-out of cover with my trusty sniper soon had the way forward clear.

We climbed right up to the top and eventually entered... The Illusive Man Room! You know the one, when he Skype's you he's always sat in that chair with stuff in the background. Yeah, you know the one. It's the picture after every single mission you complete in ME2. Anyway, we're here and guess who isn't home? Yup, Mr Illusive himself. Illusive indeed.

He bing-bongs us on Skype though and some serious sh*t gets revealed. Are you guys and gals ready?? The Illusive Man is attempting to control the Reapers which just sounds... stupid. We try our best to convince him of how stupid he's being but it clearly doesn't work. Ahh, forget talking to this prick, we find the Prothean VI and The Illusive Man does a runner.

The VI has some earth-shattering information... and earth-shattering is definitely the appropriate term to use. The Catalyst thing that is due to destroy the Reapers is in fact... The Citadel! To make matters a million times worse, The Illusive Man knows this and is heading there now. He's also alerted the Reapers who in turn have taken control of the Citadel and moved it. Before the location was revealed I found I already knew the answer... Earth.

I barely had time to digest all this when we are suddenly faced with that damp tuft of rectal pubic hair... Kai Leng. Surely now, it was time for this 's demise.

Eeek, the fight starts with the prick running straight at me and I'm pretty sure he wasn't going to give me a hug. We do a bit of grappling before I manage to break away and then leg it to the other side of the room. I knew this guy would be tough! I used Overload a lot and tried sniping him from a distance. This seemed to work because he stopped to regenerate his shields and summoned a swarm of troopers to keep us busy. I tried to take these out first but found that just running around and keeping focus on Kai Leng seemed to be doing the trick. The battle became even tougher when he started summoning Phantoms and Nemeses to help him but eventually (and following a few Shepard deaths)... we clear the room and Kai Leng is dead!!

Oh wait, no he isn't. He's still moving and somehow sneaks up on me from behind. Oh man... there was a renegade interrupt option here and I have never been more tempted to press one. I seriously just wanted to gut this guy. Everything turned out rosy though as Shepard dodges the attack, turns around and sticks a blade right in his stomach! Damn... I wonder what the renegade option was then?

Anyway, mission over and all that's left now is a journey to the Citadel and see if we can save Earth!

Tune in next time when this thread which started at the dawn of time may finally be coming to a conclusion.