Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Bubba]

Priority: Earth

Well, it's finally arrived. After over a year of typing up an LP for these three games, we're finally at the end... for those of you still reading anyway

An epic cut-scene plays showing us arriving at Earth. All of us. All the races I'd managed to unite in an attempt to kick the Reapers into oblivion. I was very proud of the fact that there were so many of us and I felt a little emotional. Go me! *sobs* I pull myself together in time for the start of the mission though. Come on! One last fight!

Here's the situation: The Reapers have control of the Citadel and they have managed to close the thing up. This poses a serious problem for us as there is no way we can dock with it and try and activate this Crucible. Commander Anderson has a plan though. There is a facility on Earth (London, to be precise) which allows the Reapers to 'beam up' to the Citadel, Star Trek-style. Unfortunately, this facility is being guarded by a big-ass Reaper (that is, a large-in-size Reaper... not a Reaper in the shape of a plump bum) and there was no way to take it down from the air due to interference or something. That only leaves us with one option... Shepard will lead a ground assault and face these f**kers head-on.

London has clearly seen better days. Cortez flies us into what looks a bit like a train station... and this station was Prick Central. We hadn't even landed and already I was having my shield reduced by Cannibals and Marauders. Ooooh, let me at 'em!

I seemed to have picked up a snazzy rifle from somewhere because the one I was using was awesome. It was very similar to the sniper rifle (damage-wise) but I could use it a number of times in quick succession. Cue lots of falling Reaper goons. I would have made quicker work of them all but there is some weird blue cannon that keeps going off in the distance causing the ground to shake. It was like trying to snipe whilst sat on a high-speed tumble dryer.

We slowly creep up this hill whilst taking out goons that were trying to flank us. "I see you there hiding behind that barrel, you sneaky bastard!" Shepard would yell... or at least he should have. I did.

We were greeted at the top of the hill by a couple of Brutes. I was pretty sure they weren't there for autographs so I wasted no time in taking them down. The normal goons were more annoying though as they kept circling around in an attempt to penetrate from behind. Only Kaidan has permission to that, you ugly s.

Once we'd disposed of these freakazoids, we were tasked with locating one of our drop ships that had crashed. Apparently, it was carrying some juicy weaponry which will enable us to take out that weird blue reaper cannon I told you about before (if you were paying attention ).

We head up a nearby 'rubble ramp' and our path to the wrecked shuttle was blocked by even more agents of ugliness. This time, we had a ravager to deal with, he kind of looks like a less-colourful version of Mr. Blobby... with none of the slapstick humour associated with that comedy legend.

We clear out the goons before finally arriving at the downed ship and sure enough... an M-920 is sat there waiting for us to give its trigger a tickle. I assume I only get one shot with this thing. Luckily, the weird blue reaper cannon is literally right next to us and it's huuuuuuuge. You'd have to be a special kind of incompetent if you were to miss from here. I take aim and BOOM! The Reaper Cannon is an ex-Reaper Cannon!

This was the most joyous of news as it meant it was now safe for a drop ship to arrive and complete our extraction. Of course, it was never gonna be that simple. A Banshee was stalking us and a gaggle of Cannibals were trying to flank us. I took down the Banshee but was completely pinned down by the chuffing Cannibals. That drop ship extraction would be handy right about now!

Oh, you are taking the piss. The drop ship pilot either hates us or is a complete f**ktard. He decides the best place to land is on the other side of the Cannibals. What a prick.

I bring up my special menu to see what power I can blast them with and oh! I have a rare moment of inspiration! I realized this was the perfect opportunity to wear Harry's Cloak of Invisibility my tactical cloak. I leg it past the bewildered Cannibals and make it safely into the warm, cosy drop ship. Mission over and game finished!

Well, not quite. We find ourselves at the forward command base and we had a bit of down time. THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM. There were some familiar faces loitering about here. My favourite was my old pal Urdnot Wrex. He was busy giving an uplifting speech to the Krogan. I decided to stand directly in front of him and stare because I am a crazy cat.

Shepard then gives a stirring speech of his own to the Normandy crew and we are finally ready for the final battle/assault/thing.

Tune in tomorrow (or ten days from now... or whenever I can be arsed typing up the end) for the exciting conclusion to Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures!