Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

[Bubba]

Priority: End of Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

Well, I expected things to be tasty... and they were! Not just gammon-egg-and-chips tasty... but Chinese-duck-pancakes-with-cucumber-spring-onion-and-hoisin-sauce tasty!

A year of honing my skills on these games have turned me into a c**t-killing bad-ass. I now effortlessly switch from sniper to rifle to shotgun and mow down all comers. My dear Liara was on hand with her maxed-out biotic powers and Tali was on hand with her super-handy combat/defence drones. Good to go!

All you mako-haters from ME1 must have thoroughly enjoyed the start of this mission. We advance under cover of a pair of gung-ho mako bad boys. It does not end well for them. The first one gets blown up and the second one is inconveniently set on fire by a Harvester. Oh dear.

I've decided that Banshees are my most hated enemy in the entire Mass Effect series. Their scream is horrible and just when I have them in my sights, they teleport away. NO. STOP IT. I took this f***er down first to get him out of the way. The Harvester on the other hand, was a very good boy. Whose-a-good-boy?!! You-are!! Oooshaboo!! Yeah, he just sat there and let me shoot him. *pats his corpse on the head when walking past*

We get a call from a nearby patrol saying they need our help. Of course you do. We head into a building and end up in a parking garage. We happen upon a group of husks huddled around a barrel fire singing There Are Two Kinds of Love. They don't take kindly to being interrupted and charge at us. These guys are a piece of piss now but they were soon joined by a couple of Brutes. I hid behind an old jeep in the corner and kept myself on the opposite side to them. We did the dance-around-the-car-dance until I finished them off with my shotgun.

We climb a ladder to somebody's swanky apartment. Well, I'm sure it used to be swanky before the invasion of huge, horrible killing machines. Stepping out onto the street disturbed another husk singing troupe. These pricks were singing Dancing Queen so I threw all my grenades at them as quickly as I could.

We made our way down the street taking out Marauders and Ravagers. Suddenly, a Brute burst out of a Hooters (the dirty dawg) and took down my shield. Run away! Cue much scrabbling by me before retreating and taking him down from a distance.

Right, what followed was a lot of killing and advancing. I'm going to save you the blow-by-blow account though. Some of the locations (full of reaper uglies) featured: A retail shop (possibly HMV), a cute little square (a little tapas bar here would be lovely) and a restaurant dining room (where the only thing being 'served' were the Reapers ). Holy crap, I'm hilarious.

After the restaurant was a long alleyway which looked suspiciously empty. Maybe I'm being pessimistic. The game might be giving me a little break before the next horrible thing arrives... NOPE. We arrive at the end of the alley when two Brutes come smashing into the alley giving us nowhere to go.

(SPOILER)Pic 2.jpg

Obviously, we do a quick 180 and sprint back to the other end of the alley to take refuge. Methinks they'll have a slight advantage when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. Hide, overload, hide, snipe... job done.

OK, we arrive at (what turns out to be) the final big section of uglies. Here's the lowdown: We're still trying to reach the conduit which will beam us up to the Citadel. Unfortunately, it's being guarded by the biggest Reaper you've ever seen. Luckily, the place we've just arrived at is home to a couple of huge rocket launchers... both facing towards the big boy! We just had to run about the area like headless chickens, protect the launchers, and kill anything that moves. Hoooo boy.

I'm not going to detail all my deaths here but rest assured... I died A LOT. The first wave was manageable with just Marauders and stuff. Next came a couple of Brutes which I stupidly took care of using a nearby one-shot Hydra cannon. Yeah, I should have saved that for the next wave...

Sh*t the smurfing bed. The final wave consisted of SIX Brutes, THREE Banshees and a Harvester. Speaking of final waves, I gave mine A LOT here. A LOT. Did I mention how much I hate Banshees? Well I do. I really do. I don't think I'd even finished killing everything when EDI pipes up saying that the rockets were ready to fire. About smurfing time!

I leg it over there, activate the controls and BOOM! The rocket fires and hits the Reaper right in the... red dot thing, whatever that is. It's not completely down but the Conduit is exposed! More legging it ensued as we all dashed for the Conduit. Allies were disintegrating left, right and centre as the Reaper kept blasting away with his big, red beam thingy. Suddenly, the screen turns white and... I honestly thought I was dead.

Not quite as it turns out! We wake up looking like absolute s**t BUT... we were only yards from the Conduit! Man, this is exciting! We stagger over like a drunken Irishman, occasionally shooting the odd Reaper with some very shakey aiming. Despite a few stumbles along the way, we drag ourselves over and into the Conduit.

Stay with me... we're almost there!