Priority: Citadel (DLC)

About f***ing time too.

Since my last post, I have completed the entire trilogy again as renegade Femshep and only now, after saving the galaxy twice in pretty much the exact same way, does Anderson decide that our crew has earned a little R&R... YOU THINK?!!

Anyway, the Citadel DLC is brought to you by Commander Regina Shepard of planet Badass.

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Anderson wants to meet me at his apartment on the Citadel... oh aye? Dirty old bastard. I know I shagged about a bit as renegade femshep (Liara, Kelly Chambers and Samantha Traynor if you're interested) but I'm not gonna shack up with any old dude, regardless of military ranking.

Although, entering his apartment I immediately thought that it'd be worth a roll-in-the-hay just to spend the night here. It was swanky as hell! There was a TV bigger than my ego, a grand piano, a poker table and a bar big enough to sustain my stage 1 alcoholism. How the f*** does Anderson deserve this place? I'M the one that saved the galaxy... TWICE! I'M the one that should have this f***ing apartment. I always hated that f***head Anderson, the entitled prick.

It was at this point Anderson appeared on comms and said I could have his apartment. He said he won't really need it anymore. I always liked Anderson. What an absolute gent. I celebrated by getting smashed, beating myself at poker and performing an enthusiastic but completely off-key rendition of Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights.

The rest of the apartment was just Anderson doing Anderson things. It appears he is writing his memoirs as he had 30-second excerpts recorded all over the apartment. Here's an idea mate... why not keep them all in one place? Tsk. Anderson also had an interview of himself on repeat on the kitchen TV. F***s sake man, get over yourself.

New pad explored, we receive a message from Joker (yey!) asking me to meet him for sushi (boo!). I'll tolerate a plate of anti-food if it means a catch-up with Joker. Off we trot!

This being a traditional Japanese sushi restaurant I was ushered to the front of the line by an irritating French man. I took my seat next to Joker who was on fine form. It was nice being back with the crew even if it was just one of them! I was mid-joke about my spectre status warranting two umbrellas in our cocktails when a panicky woman called Brooks approached the table. She'd come to warn us that there are people trying to kill us! Being completely unperturbed by this non-new information I returned to my plate of food... my stone-cold fish with vinegared rice wrapped in seaweed. Then a bunch of guys burst in and started shooting the place to sh*t which quite frankly came as something of a relief.

Turns out Brooks was right, they grab her and demand to see Shepard. Careful what you wish for, pal! I make Joker go and grab the crew and pull out my trusty pistol. Time to wreck some goons! That was the plan anyway... but I haven't played this game in nearly two years. I was quite startlingly bad. I ran out of ammo in about 30 seconds with the majority of my bullets hitting the sushi bar. I then rushed at the remaining goons with an attempt at melee which almost resulted in my death. Embarrassing.

Once that sh*tshow was over, Brooks bravely took a bullet for me and I went crashing through the floor/fishtank(?), sliding down a neon sign before crash-landing in a dark room in the Citadel underbelly. Phew!

Brooks gives me a call to say she's ok but is completely off her tits due to consuming all her medi-gel. Wait, you can get high off medi-gel?? I can only assume that due to Shepard being a raging alcoholic that she is immune to such effects.

I jump over a few gaps, down some ladders and find myself in some weird car shop. Looks like I'm shooting some more of these merc troopers. I'm really rusty with these mechanics but luckily the lovely Liara shows up to lend me a hand! She's pretty nice to me too considering I binned her off for younger models in Mass Effect 2 & 3.

We push on further and are eventually ambushed by a dropship full of mercs. Luckily, James arrives and takes them out with all the subtlety of a nuclear explosion. He lights them up with a rocket that almost takes out us and half the bloody Citadel. Cretin.

He was handy to have around in the following firefight though as my pistol skills were still well-and-truly AWOL. I almost die like three times before Steve Cortez eventually shows up to save our arses and whisk as back to my apartment for recovery whiskey and a few lines of medi-gel.

Tune in next time when Shepard is imprisoned and her apartment confiscated following two-years worth of unpaid tax.