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Thread: Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures

  1. #631
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    As soon as I've managed to download American PSN I'm gonna run the ending again with the extended DLC. It seems they've tried their best to fix some of the problems so we'll see. I've had my rant now so I'm gonna try and focus on the positives.

    There may be a couple more updates once I've sorted it out. Really excited to try out the Citadel DLC

  2. #632
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    Priority: Citadel (DLC)

    About f***ing time too.

    Since my last post, I have completed the entire trilogy again as renegade Femshep and only now, after saving the galaxy twice in pretty much the exact same way, does Anderson decide that our crew has earned a little R&R... YOU THINK?!!

    Anyway, the Citadel DLC is brought to you by Commander Regina Shepard of planet Badass.

    Pic 3.jpeg

    Anderson wants to meet me at his apartment on the Citadel... oh aye? Dirty old bastard. I know I shagged about a bit as renegade femshep (Liara, Kelly Chambers and Samantha Traynor if you're interested) but I'm not gonna shack up with any old dude, regardless of military ranking.

    Although, entering his apartment I immediately thought that it'd be worth a roll-in-the-hay just to spend the night here. It was swanky as hell! There was a TV bigger than my ego, a grand piano, a poker table and a bar big enough to sustain my stage 1 alcoholism. How the f*** does Anderson deserve this place? I'M the one that saved the galaxy... TWICE! I'M the one that should have this f***ing apartment. I always hated that f***head Anderson, the entitled prick.

    It was at this point Anderson appeared on comms and said I could have his apartment. He said he won't really need it anymore. I always liked Anderson. What an absolute gent. I celebrated by getting smashed, beating myself at poker and performing an enthusiastic but completely off-key rendition of Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights.

    The rest of the apartment was just Anderson doing Anderson things. It appears he is writing his memoirs as he had 30-second excerpts recorded all over the apartment. Here's an idea mate... why not keep them all in one place? Tsk. Anderson also had an interview of himself on repeat on the kitchen TV. F***s sake man, get over yourself.

    New pad explored, we receive a message from Joker (yey!) asking me to meet him for sushi (boo!). I'll tolerate a plate of anti-food if it means a catch-up with Joker. Off we trot!

    This being a traditional Japanese sushi restaurant I was ushered to the front of the line by an irritating French man. I took my seat next to Joker who was on fine form. It was nice being back with the crew even if it was just one of them! I was mid-joke about my spectre status warranting two umbrellas in our cocktails when a panicky woman called Brooks approached the table. She'd come to warn us that there are people trying to kill us! Being completely unperturbed by this non-new information I returned to my plate of food... my stone-cold fish with vinegared rice wrapped in seaweed. Then a bunch of guys burst in and started shooting the place to sh*t which quite frankly came as something of a relief.

    Turns out Brooks was right, they grab her and demand to see Shepard. Careful what you wish for, pal! I make Joker go and grab the crew and pull out my trusty pistol. Time to wreck some goons! That was the plan anyway... but I haven't played this game in nearly two years. I was quite startlingly bad. I ran out of ammo in about 30 seconds with the majority of my bullets hitting the sushi bar. I then rushed at the remaining goons with an attempt at melee which almost resulted in my death. Embarrassing.

    Once that sh*tshow was over, Brooks bravely took a bullet for me and I went crashing through the floor/fishtank(?), sliding down a neon sign before crash-landing in a dark room in the Citadel underbelly. Phew!

    Brooks gives me a call to say she's ok but is completely off her tits due to consuming all her medi-gel. Wait, you can get high off medi-gel?? I can only assume that due to Shepard being a raging alcoholic that she is immune to such effects.

    I jump over a few gaps, down some ladders and find myself in some weird car shop. Looks like I'm shooting some more of these merc troopers. I'm really rusty with these mechanics but luckily the lovely Liara shows up to lend me a hand! She's pretty nice to me too considering I binned her off for younger models in Mass Effect 2 & 3.

    We push on further and are eventually ambushed by a dropship full of mercs. Luckily, James arrives and takes them out with all the subtlety of a nuclear explosion. He lights them up with a rocket that almost takes out us and half the bloody Citadel. Cretin.

    He was handy to have around in the following firefight though as my pistol skills were still well-and-truly AWOL. I almost die like three times before Steve Cortez eventually shows up to save our arses and whisk as back to my apartment for recovery whiskey and a few lines of medi-gel.

    Tune in next time when Shepard is imprisoned and her apartment confiscated following two-years worth of unpaid tax.

  3. #633
    Ghost of Christmas' past theundeadhero's Avatar
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    Welcome to the best part of the games! Those were my first time romance choices, too. Traynor is the best!
    ...

  4. #634
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by theundeadhero View Post
    Welcome to the best part of the games! Those were my first time romance choices, too. Traynor is the best!
    Agreed! I think it was the accent that did it for me. She piqued my interest on my first playthrough but Male Shep did nothing for her with his dirty old shlong.

  5. #635
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    Priority: Citadel (cont...)

    A well-deserved chillax back at Casa del Shepard was the order of the day. I have a nice parle with crew: James has a crush on our new pal Brooks, Javik was hanging around outside my bedroom like a creepy perve... and Tali revealed she used to enjoy watching the marine life through the sushi restaurant window... until I destroyed it half an hour ago.

    Anyway, Liara the Shadow Broker extraordinaire has found a lead on my attempted assassination and identity theft. There's a shady bloke called Khan who deals in arms... that's weapons, not limbs... and he owns a casino. ALSO, the casino has an upcoming charity event! Time for some sneaky-sneaky-stealthy-stealthy action. Our excitement was hard to contain! Liara even cracked a joke about a Hanar prostitute with camera implants. Good times

    Anyhoo, we rock up at the casino and f*** me... Shepard, Brooks & Garrus on the red carpet might just be the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Brooks heads to the ventilation shaft and it's up to Liara and I to distract the guards and disable alarms & cameras. Game on!

    Before that though, we had some mingling to do. I decided my first port of call was to crush it on the dancefloor. What followed was a dazzling fusion of sexy/geeky street dance which left a lifelong impression on any onlookers. I followed this up with some ill-advised gambling... I managed to break even at Quaser before losing spectacularly betting on a three-legged varren named Princess.

    OK, Brooks wanted access to a shaft (SPOILER) so I had to distract some dopey-looking guard. I informed him that some junkie was doing Red Sand in the toilets... the fact that it was Shepard required no explanation.

    We then had to disable a sensor & camera which were being watched by a second guard. It was Garrus' turn to distract the guard. Being the charasmatic stud that he is, within two seconds the guard was madly in love and Shepard nipped in to disable the system.

    There was another section with multiple terminals and guards that I totally sucked ass at. I'm not gonna talk about that too much as it took me for-f***ing-ever. Let's just skip to the part where we deactivated what we needed and gained access to the panic room.

    Oh dear.

    It turns out our man Khan is deader than a Saturday night in Salt Lake City. Worse than that, all the data drives have been wiped. The unknown culprit then appears over comms to tell us that he's going to destroy me and everything that I stand for. Considering I stand for alcohol, hookers and red sand... I definitely need to try and stop this guy. We grab the deleted drive and whisk it back to my apartment to see if EDI can salvage anything.

    Tune in next time when Shepard kidnaps Princess the three-legged varren and serves her as part of a slap-up barbeque on her balcony.

  6. #636
    Ghost of Christmas' past theundeadhero's Avatar
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    I love making Wrex my date for that part. He gives the game something it has been missing for a while, and hearing him complain about what he has to wear, and his distraction methods, are some fun times.
    ...

  7. #637
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    I love the Citadel DLC, so glad you finally got around to it! The casino section is one sticks out in my memory, largely because of the funny one-liners you get in the walk-in scene.

  8. #638
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by theundeadhero View Post
    I love making Wrex my date for that part. He gives the game something it has been missing for a while, and hearing him complain about what he has to wear, and his distraction methods, are some fun times.
    I think I'm gonna have to Youtube that as it sounds HILARIOUS.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Carnelian View Post
    I love the Citadel DLC, so glad you finally got around to it! The casino section is one sticks out in my memory, largely because of the funny one-liners you get in the walk-in scene.
    It was a great sequence overall. It's just a shame I became distracted again after my last update!

    Watch this space. Gonna concentrate and pushing on with this tonight. Update to come tomorrow!

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    ...

  10. #640
    Trial by Wombat Bubba's Avatar
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    Sorry for the delay... a quick summary of where we're up to.

    - Anderson gives us his apartment
    - We eat sushi with Joker
    - We meet Brooks, she tells us Shepard's been hacked
    - Place is shot to sh*t then we break a fishtank
    - We kill lots of bad guys then go back to the apartment
    - Liara has a lead on who hacked us - Elijah Khan, Casino owner
    - We go to the casino and break into Khan's office
    - The dude is dead.
    - We grab his disk drive and go home

  11. #641
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    Priority: Citadel (cont...)

    Back at our swanky apartment, Brooks (who is proving herself very useful, despite being a medi-gel addict) has pulled some data off the disk drive. Apparently, the Mercs who were shooting us won a massive job lot on eBay for some heavy duty ME weapons. They just outbid shelbymustang2017 (100% positive feedback - A+++ ebayer) at the last second.

    That still doesn't give us much to... hang on! Glyph pipes up. Shepard's Spectre access code is in use at Citadel Archives, right now! We head to leave only to be confronted by a pizza-delivering Volus with a double pepperoni. You see James, this is why you never get picked to run point. Tsk!

    The archives are on lock-down so we decide to take the Barret-busting-into-Shinra-HQ approach. Unsurprisingly, we are immediately in a firefight. It's a pretty easy win but Brooks undoes all her hardwork by getting herself captured. By... wtf... by me?!! It turns out Cerberus had a second Shepard (we'll call her Anti-Shep) created so they could harvest her for spare limbs and stuff if Main-Shep got hurt. Kinda reminds me of that film The Island with Ewan McGregor, remember that? Yeah, me neither.

    This new Shepard is NOT friendly so my thoughts immediately turn to a Shepard/Traynor/Shepard threesome how we can take her down. Anti-Shep escapes with Brooks and tries to have us killed. Obviously I don't like that plan and come up with a different one. More goons dead and the chase is on! We set off with Main-Shep's words still ringing in my head "I'm really looking forward to killing myself". Ahh, me circa-2017.

    We hurry on and find ourselves in a huuuuuuge room. It kinda looked that room at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark with all the boxes, but with over-sized whiskey barrels. I decided not to check to see if it was whiskey otherwise my mission objectives would have changed fairly quickly.

    We push on. It was a standard Mass Effect fare of chasing the main baddie through a facility, interspersed with taking down bad guys. The most interesting parts were all the holographic recordings dotted around the place we could watch. The first flashback was of a group of Turians torturing a human for information. Cue awkward atmosphere between Shepard and Garrus

    There were other entertaining recordings for our delectation. Some of the highlights included: A dreadnought assault on the Citadel, the senseless slaughter of a group of AIs... and a POV sex tape between Ambassador Udina and a Hanar prostitute with camera implants.

    There was also a nice video of the the decision to promote Shepard to Spectre status back in the day! While we were busy reminiscing, Anti-Shep was making her way to the Normandy to try and steal our ship. It looks like she might succeed too as she was Jamming our commsJammedRadar.jpg. We hauled ass and almost catch up with them before being cruelly (and stupidly) caught in some blue force field right at the exit.

    Bombshell time... Brooks has betrayed us, the sneaky f***ing sneak! Turns out she used to work for Cerberus but fell out with The Illusive Man of Illusiveness. Now she's just a dick, apparently. Both her and Anti-Shep taunt us a second time ala Monty Python... then bugger off to steal our ship. Meanwhile Main-Shep and crew are shoved into a whiskey barrel and are left in the archives to rot. So ends the disappointingly-short Citadel DLC.

    Oh hang on, Glyph is still buzzing around outside and is kind enough to let us out. Shepard still might have time to stop herself from stealing her own ship! From herself!

    Joker shows up in a dropship and Shepard, Liara and Garrus prepare to... oh wait. Tali has a sulk about rarely getting picked and makes me feel mega-guilty. So much so that I end up reloading the last save point just so I can pick Tali. Happy now?!! So Shepard, Tali and Garrus prepare to... oh f*** off Liara. You always get picked, stop sulking! Javik had a whinge too but I really couldn't give two flying f***s about him.

    And were away! Hopefully we'll get to the docks in time to prevent the hijacking

    Tune in next time when a comms exchange between the two Shepards reveals a surprising difference in Anti-Shep's anatomy... later the subject of the Hollywood box office hit You've Got Mail Genitalia.

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