Priority: Citadel (cont...)

Back at our swanky apartment, Brooks (who is proving herself very useful, despite being a medi-gel addict) has pulled some data off the disk drive. Apparently, the Mercs who were shooting us won a massive job lot on eBay for some heavy duty ME weapons. They just outbid shelbymustang2017 (100% positive feedback - A+++ ebayer) at the last second.

That still doesn't give us much to... hang on! Glyph pipes up. Shepard's Spectre access code is in use at Citadel Archives, right now! We head to leave only to be confronted by a pizza-delivering Volus with a double pepperoni. You see James, this is why you never get picked to run point. Tsk!

The archives are on lock-down so we decide to take the Barret-busting-into-Shinra-HQ approach. Unsurprisingly, we are immediately in a firefight. It's a pretty easy win but Brooks undoes all her hardwork by getting herself captured. By... wtf... by me?!! It turns out Cerberus had a second Shepard (we'll call her Anti-Shep) created so they could harvest her for spare limbs and stuff if Main-Shep got hurt. Kinda reminds me of that film The Island with Ewan McGregor, remember that? Yeah, me neither.

This new Shepard is NOT friendly so my thoughts immediately turn to a Shepard/Traynor/Shepard threesome how we can take her down. Anti-Shep escapes with Brooks and tries to have us killed. Obviously I don't like that plan and come up with a different one. More goons dead and the chase is on! We set off with Main-Shep's words still ringing in my head "I'm really looking forward to killing myself". Ahh, me circa-2017.

We hurry on and find ourselves in a huuuuuuge room. It kinda looked that room at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark with all the boxes, but with over-sized whiskey barrels. I decided not to check to see if it was whiskey otherwise my mission objectives would have changed fairly quickly.

We push on. It was a standard Mass Effect fare of chasing the main baddie through a facility, interspersed with taking down bad guys. The most interesting parts were all the holographic recordings dotted around the place we could watch. The first flashback was of a group of Turians torturing a human for information. Cue awkward atmosphere between Shepard and Garrus

There were other entertaining recordings for our delectation. Some of the highlights included: A dreadnought assault on the Citadel, the senseless slaughter of a group of AIs... and a POV sex tape between Ambassador Udina and a Hanar prostitute with camera implants.

There was also a nice video of the the decision to promote Shepard to Spectre status back in the day! While we were busy reminiscing, Anti-Shep was making her way to the Normandy to try and steal our ship. It looks like she might succeed too as she was Jamming our commsJammedRadar.jpg. We hauled ass and almost catch up with them before being cruelly (and stupidly) caught in some blue force field right at the exit.

Bombshell time... Brooks has betrayed us, the sneaky f***ing sneak! Turns out she used to work for Cerberus but fell out with The Illusive Man of Illusiveness. Now she's just a dick, apparently. Both her and Anti-Shep taunt us a second time ala Monty Python... then bugger off to steal our ship. Meanwhile Main-Shep and crew are shoved into a whiskey barrel and are left in the archives to rot. So ends the disappointingly-short Citadel DLC.

Oh hang on, Glyph is still buzzing around outside and is kind enough to let us out. Shepard still might have time to stop herself from stealing her own ship! From herself!

Joker shows up in a dropship and Shepard, Liara and Garrus prepare to... oh wait. Tali has a sulk about rarely getting picked and makes me feel mega-guilty. So much so that I end up reloading the last save point just so I can pick Tali. Happy now?!! So Shepard, Tali and Garrus prepare to... oh f*** off Liara. You always get picked, stop sulking! Javik had a whinge too but I really couldn't give two flying f***s about him.

And were away! Hopefully we'll get to the docks in time to prevent the hijacking

Tune in next time when a comms exchange between the two Shepards reveals a surprising difference in Anti-Shep's anatomy... later the subject of the Hollywood box office hit You've Got Mail Genitalia.