Master of the Fork
Final Fantasy XVI Revealed! Details and more!!
Thanks to our great investigative skills we found an email to one of the CEOs of Square Enix detailing various updates to the new, not yet announced, Final Fantasy XVI! Check out what we've found:
- In XVI, you will have an actual boyband that will be playable.
- Don't worry female fans, we have a non-playable female band equipped with only two pieces of strategically placed cloth for their clothing. You'll love it, ladies.
- We added in more boob physics!
- Lightning will make an important impact on the story line
- There wasn't enough guns mixed with blades so we add five more guns onto the new gunblade!"
- With such an intense reaction to XV's carship, we've decide that it was a bad move and in the future we will only have air balloons as a mode of transportation. No, these will not be modified with steampunk like accessories to go any faster.
- The XVI map is 4 times as big as the XV map! It will take you a literal 5 days to pilot your air balloon across this immersive landscape.
- To be more Racially Sensitive, All Mages will be described by their qualities and not their color.
- At the last minute we've decide this will be another MMO!
- People have often complained about the unrealistic hair expectations they got from our games so all characters now have a bowl cut.
- Boobs needed to be jigglier, so we added in more boob physics!
- We thought our summons weren't standing out enough so now they all have sparkle effects.
- We decided the bowl cut thing was a horrible idea and now have made all hair x16 more spiky.
- To avoid an extremely lengthy production time, we're changing this game to be a mobile game. We expect this will only take 8 years to produce.
- There weren't enough belts on the main characters, so we added more.
- Thanks to western responses, we had to actually put some pants on the young female character. We settled on short shorts at least. We're dissapointed we had to make this change.
- All characters have been aged to 18.
- Except that one old gruffy rugged dude we added, he has to be wise and at least 25.
- We have at least one female general who's a badass. We support equality, seeeeeee
- All female characters now show 30% more cleavage.
- 80% more product placement!
- All swords are now 20% larger.
- We've scrapped the mobile idea. Sony gave us some money to be on the consoles again so whatev.
- Yoshi-P says he wont help us fix another MMO so it's now back to being a single player game.
- Tabata says he wont help us fix another FF so now we have to actually get sakaguchi back. I hope he still likes us.
- Amano said he was a little creeped out that we kept hanging around his house while waiting for the new game art. So we now have a restraining order against us, we'll get the art still though!
- You know what's in right now? VR. The only sequence in the game that uses it sees you struggling to break free of a Malboro.
- The entire soundtrack is comprised of Gackt songs. Keep in mind, he did not agree to this. Nomura just dug out his old collection of all of his albums and said "I want this as the game's soundtrack"
- After more western complaints, we took out some of our jiggly boob physics.
- We made all boobs 15% larger due to more backlash. Something about Essjaydubayews?
- We forgot how much you love Moogles so we forgot to add them in again.
- Don't worry, we now added them on a patch of some random character! Same goes for cactuars and tonberries
- Chocobos now require to be fed every few hours or they will never help you again. You will then see them slowly walking away with a sorrowful look on their faces as they look gaunt and starved. You horrible person.
- By the way, Nomura is otherwise completely not involved in the project. His only role was deciding that the soundtrack is Gackt music. Character artwork is created by some guy we found overworked in an anime studio.
- Oh, and the day one purchase bonus is Ashley Riot's assless pants for all the male characters
Minigame:
- We've heard you, Fans! We've added in the beloved chocobo balloon race into the new game. This time we combined it with lightning dodging and Triple Triad, all at once!
- The lightning bolts are actually multiple instances of the character Lightning.
- Blitzball will be back but in the new game it will be called SparkSphere. Same game, we haven't changed anything, there wont be any updates to the gameplay. It's perfect right now.
What are your thoughts on this new leaked info about the next Final Fantasy game?
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