Fox Plays Hyperdimension Neptunia

[Fox]

#1 - WELCOME TO GAMINDUSTRI

The adventure begins! We're in the world of Gamindustri (I GET IT!), where the four CPUs (aka console waifus) are battling for control as they have been for centuries. We have:

- Black Heart, CPU of Lastation (I get it!!!)
- White Heart, CPU of Lowee (Smaller than the others for a more casual market)
- Green Heart, CPU of Leanbox (Obviously compensating for a lack of exclusives)
- Purple Heart, CPU of Planeptune (I... don't get it! Is this a SEGA Saturn joke? If it is then Planeptune is about 3 generations behind the other nations. That's a pretty significant disadvantage. ...Still more powerful than Lowee though lololol)

Quick note on Green Heart - I don't understand how your costume works.

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No like... it's not just that it's overly sexy and impractical, I don't understand how it keeps anything in. There's no strap at the bottom to hold the pads in place. The smallest amount of jiggle here is going to cause some pretty serious exposure and most likely an increase in the age rating. Be very careful, my dear Green Heart, you are one backflip away from being banned in Australia.


So anyway, an unknown voice said Neptune should be thrown out, so the others ganged up on her and threw her off the floating island they were all fighting on. Meanies. The good news is, it means we get to meet cute Neptune! The better news is, she has her priorities right.

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Good girl, you do NOT STEP ON MY NENDOROIDS ESPECIALLY NOT RYUUKO.

And we've all had that moment of panic with our special hard drives. Remember for next time Nep-nep: CCleaner is free to download and works on all modern operating systems.

Here in Neptune's dream we meet a talking...book? Tome, she says, called 'Histoire'. Very mysterious! And then Nep-nep wakes up and we're introduced to Compa! She's sweet and helpful and is going to heal poor Neptune's wounds...

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SHE'S ONLY BANDAGING THE SEXY PARTS . I don't even see any wounds!!! This one is going to be trouble, I know it. But somehow we survive the ordeal and find out about Nep-nep's amnesia. Oh no! Time to head to Virtua Forest to the spot where Compa found our adorable heroine. Nep finds a sword for LARPing, and although she can't remember what 'pudding' is she's well aware that she needs to kill monsters for XP. And she's full of terrible dad-jokes! Is this true love?!

Time for some combat, and Compa retrieves a GIANT SMURFING SYRINGE from somewhere. Where were you keeping that, Compa?!

Compa has an attack called 'Bonk' which, by its very name, is by definition the greatest attack of all time. GG. The combat mechanics are fairly basic for the time being, but the battle system is fine enough. The SP moves have some really wicked animations to them which I appreciate a lot. I seem to have a whole bunch of different kinds of attack (rush, power, guard break), but I don't yet understand the best places to use each. Guard break is pretty self explanatory, but beyond that power seems to be pretty much universally better than 'bonk'.

Can I just say at this point that after Final Fantasy XV it is SO. NICE. to be playing an RPG again where Y/Triangle is the 'open menu' button. Life just isn't the same when it's on the touch pad. Or R3. Or CIRCLE thank-you-very-much Final Fantasy VIII what the hell were you thinking!?

Nep and Compa reach Nep's crash site where a hole opens up in the forest and we fall through! Compa is taken by a monster where [CENSORED] may or may not be done to her, but luckily Nep is ready to come to the rescue. Histoire teaches us how to use Hard Drive Divinity, and Nep transforms into her Sailor Guardian form, Purple Heart, and kicks the monster's arachnid booty!

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For our victory we receive a key fragment of some kind. Very mysterious.... according to Histoire, she's sealed away somehow and only by collecting these fragments can we release her. As only good spirits are ever sealed away, I'm confident nothing bad will come of releasing her, so let's start hunting for some key fragments! There's one in each land, so we have some work to do. For now though, it's off to the questing guild!

NEXT TIME: FOX RIPS HIS EARS OFF BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE'S TURNED THE VOLUME DOWN, COMPA IS BOTH LOUDER AND MORE HIGH PITCHED THAN ANY OTHER CHARACTER OH GOD WHY. ALSO OUR GIRLS GO SHOPPING AND QUESTING!

P.S. Can any staffer types who read this get rid of the "#0 - WHAT GAME DO I PLAY!?" in the thread title please? I assumed I'd be able to update it as I went along but I can't edit that bit