Originally Posted by
Iceglow
Best bosses in a game?
Metal Gear Solid 1.
The icy terror that took ahold of my body when I faced Revolver Ocelot. It still grips me as I type this. I'd used C4 inventively to blow holes in the wall, and on this high I swaggered in to rescue President Kenneth Baker. I felt like I was Solid Snake.
Then I saw him. Him. I am the proud owner of a pair of original leather unisex Sancho cowboy boots. Snug and smart, I receive a lot of compliments on them. Some from men, but even more from women. Yet then I glanced upon them. The man before me, his silver moustache resplendent, bore cowboy boots. And what's more, they were far more imposing and grand than any I could ever comprehend. Frankly, I wilted. Wilted like the flower I had given Svetlana on our third date to The Stag and Crown in Hampstead Heath. Incidentally you can get a very good Roast Haddock cake there, most exemplary.
"Six bullets!" the Russian mercenary in front of me crowed. "More than enough to kill anything that moves." My flight or fight instinct failed me, and I froze. My phallus instantly became flaccid. It flapped around loosely inside my BHS dressing gown, like a baby button mushroom. I was in real trouble. I ran around in frantic circles, desperate to shake off my furious foe.
"Don't you want to settle this?" he taunted. I tried to keep my eyes off my misfiring member and onto my SOCOM. I returned a volley of fire, but it was no good. Ocelot was entirely too nimble for me. The writing, and my brains, would soon be on the wall. Fallen, to the first boss. My shrivelled winky and I felt such shame.
And then I heard it. President Baker moaned. And moaned. And he moaned. It reminded me of a girl I had met on the Jubilee Line last Thursday, Katrin, from Tallinn. She had commented on how handsome I was, and in particular how masculine my ears looked, and I told her I had once presented them to Noel Edmonds (for those of you not from Britain, Noel Edmonds was THE hottest property in the UK in 1993. He ran a very successful game/talk show called Noel's House Party which featured celebrity guests, the gunge tank, hidden camera pranks, fantastic prizes, call ins. It was set in Noel's mansion in Crinkly Bottom, a fictional British village. The jewel in the Noel's House Party crown was Mr Blobby, a hilarious character in a pink and yellow polka dotted suit whose antics and shenanigans would frequently derail Noel's endeavour with a dose of slapstick comedy and a dash of chaotic anarchy) which she found to be most impressive. Long story short we ended up in bed together. And her moans sounded just like ArmsTech President Kenneth Baker's.
The song of President Baker invigorated me, just as a bard would do in an RPG party. My loins stirred at the sensual grunting. Something uncurled. My tallywhacker had awoken and not with a minute to spare. I lost control of my SOCOM. Round, after round, after round. All of them pumped out the barrel of my tightly gripped pistol. Ocelot didn't stand a chance.
Do you ever notice how you fall into a rhythm of play when fighting a boss? Snake fired his SOCOM. Ocelot grunted in pain. Baker moaned. I hardened. Snake fired his SOCOM. Ocelot grunted in pain. Baker moaned. I ENGORGED! And... amid the sulphite, the smoke, the sounds of battle faded. My nemesis... had he... finished? The feeling that came over me was carnal ecstasy. I had faced a crack Russian duelist in a battle of life or death, and I, Steve, Solid Snake, was most certainly alive! Was this what it was like to beat a video game boss? Well well well. I understood what the fuss was about after all this time. My thoughts drifted to Svetlana. To Katrin. To Delia Smith. I was unable to watch the ensuing cutscene, and what happened in the story at this point will forever be a blur. The fight replayed in my head again and again. On autopilot, I called Mei Ling to save my game, and began tapping out a furious text message. Katrin would have a Crinkly Bottom tonight.
I couldn't get past that next boss though, the Gunner in the tank. Still, a good game, I'd recommend it if you ever get the chance to play it.
Alternatively, Vagrant Story