EOFF Chocobo Mayhem: The Search for Blue Sperm

[Bubba]

So I decided to name all my good/great chocobos after members of EOFF to see which of you would be the most potent producer of quality chocobos. Obviously I couldn't include all of you (especially if your username is more than 6 letters) so don't be offended if I didn't use you in my wild chocobo, tantric, tantal green-infused, sex antics.

I started out by catching six great chocobos from Mideel and intended on using the two with the highest stats to breed my first green/blue giant chicken. Here are the stats (pre-greens) for the first six chocobos that I caught.

Locky - Top Speed - 70
- Stamina - 362
Freya - Top Speed - 63
- Stamina 359
Jinx - Top Speed - 66
- Stamina 327
Shorty - Top Speed - 66
- Stamina - 325

Sephex - Top Speed - 73
- Stamina 362
Jiro - Top Speed - 48
- Stamina 312

Not a bad haul, I thought. Obviously, my first job was to take Jiro behind the chocobo barn and blow his head off with a double-barrelled shotgun, sorry man. There's no room for runts in my litter.

Jinx and Shorty have a decent turn of pace but unfortunately have all the stamina of a 50-year-old, arthritic camel with no legs. They were next with the shotgun.

After placing Freya in the reserves, the obvious choices were Locky and Sephex. After gorging themselves silly on expensive greens and stretching their legs at Gold Saucer, they were quite ready for a little 'barn time'. They go at it. A couple of sessions produced two healthy green chocobos, one male and one female. An excellent start.

Sephex being the player that he is, decided that one chocobo was not enough. Freya was brought into the fold after Locky could not produce an illusive blue. Many sweaty sessions later and there was still no hint of blue anywhere... not that Sephex was complaining. It was time for some drastic action. Some new feathers were brought into the fray.

Parker - Top Speed - 82
- Stamina - 327


Hold the phone. The chocobo equivalent of Usain Bolt has arrived. Parker simply strutted into barn, put his feet up and simply said "feed me". Sephex was immediately shot but had a satisfied smile on his face until the last. After having some extra Tantal Greens to boost his poor stamina, Parker was fed, raced and ready for action. Freya and Locky were equally as accomodating with Parker as they were with Sephex. Surely this time, surely...

Following the production of 15 green chocobos, Parker, Freya and Locky were mysteriously chopped up, burned alive and their ashes scattered to the winds. It was time for a fresh start... and the greatest union of two beings since Adam and Eve.

Bubba - Top Speed - 70
- Stamina 362
Quinoa - Top Speed - 66
- Stamina 359

Bubba and Quinoa were destined to be together, it seemed. They were caught in two consecutive fights. They couldn't even be separated in the holding pen. I believe their love was pure. As Quinoa was penetrated in the barn, you got the sense that something special was happening. Bubba's long strokes were gentle but sure. The resultant blue chocobo will go down as one of the most majestic creatures ever to grace a Final Fantasy world...


EDIT: Oh yeah, thread topic. What have been the most memorable names you have given your chocobos when breeding?

[Shorty]

Jinx and Shorty have a decent turn of pace but unfortunately have all the stamina of a 50-year-old, arthritic camel with no legs. They were next with the shotgun.

I have nothing to contribute but I love this. Please do more of it.

[Jinx]

Please catch a Jinx 2: Electric Boogaloo

[Jiro]

I am ashamed you named anything other than the fastest golden chocobo after me. What do you take me for? I am a superstar!

[Christmas]

Did you found the sperm in the end?

[Vincent, Thunder God]

The Blue Whale: Beached in the Barn

When sociopathic barnyard bosses end up Beached - or maybe Breached.

Or maybe what I'm really trying to say is that when the Head Chocobo starts breeding - you know something's gone horribly wrong

The Chocobo Mating Barn continues:

It was day 1. We were feeding cows at the trough. Father came down the stairs with a rake and began raking up all the leaves.

"Whoah slow down theah pardner."

Someone else had approached, likely Jim Morrison from down the way.

Jimmy: "Here I am, merely a cow hand. And once again - I have been hired to investigate on the farm."

*hamming it up now, as only Jimmy can*

"I have no real knowledge of the farm. I have been brought into the farm, only to find that I have no understanding of how it operates. But I am here to investigate - and try to find more out about what is going on here."

The owner of the farm, Pop Herschel, looked on in dismay. "Another fellow skulking around these pahts, this is unnaceptable."

But Pop Herschel, in his concern, did not further worry himself, considering that Jim was probably harmless, even if he was still concerned about whatever was happening here.

Jim met Susie, who was just leaving from out of the farmstead. Susie: "Hey theah handsome, whatcha doon on mah lanhnd?"

Jim. who mostly was just there to milk the cows, turned, blushing.

Herschel decided that this was problematic.

"Jim! I brought you into the fold for one reason only! You're here to work! Stop this now!"

Jim, who had merely turned to stare at Susie, now was obviously realizing that if he had to work here, he was going to have to avoid screwing things up with Herschel.

Aunt Lynd came out from rocking back and forth in a rocking chair knitting.

"Now, now now you scoundrels! I might have to sweep away some of this heah hay from thah poach if yaz keep this up!"

Herschel turned in her direction.

"Lynd, get back in the house - I don't trust this new farmhand."

Yeh i know! thought yet another cowhand who had been working there, John.

John. thinking to himself - these new arrivals, they're always a bit of a problem, ent they

But Jim was merely milking the cows and trying to understand why this had happened.

Jim continued to be hard at work late into the evening. The sun went down and he reflected on his current life's path. This could be a major problem going forward, struggling as he was, not really to make ends meet, but more to understand why he had been brought here, and to what end.

Jim continued to think on this late into the night, at which point Herschel let him into the house, and he went to sleep in the room he had been given.

End scene 1.

[Vincent, Thunder God]

Scene 2.

Jim awoke and decided he was going to have to get ready for work right away, hearing as he did Herschel downstairs clattering away at the dishes.

Lynd, his wife really, looked over and asked, probably way too politely for todays' world but what they hey: "Pop, seems like the new farmhand's comin down the stairs already."

Jim came down the stairs carefully. For one thing, he didn't want to scare the homesteaders, and for another, he was really uncertain not only of his role here, but why he had been set up in the first place - and clearly Herschel and Lynd were also already completely aware.

As such, Jim came down carefully, and sat down at the table.

Herschel had prepared an entire plate of waffles, ready to go.

Lynd, who wasn't much of a cook. went back to her knitting, but gazing on fondly, if absently.

Herschel looked over at Lynd. "Hon, if we're going to be helping the young lad to his first meal here, don't you think you should help?"

But Lynd was having none of it. "Still don't trust him Hersch. so don't even try!"

Jim. oblivious, continued eating.

Meanwhile, Susie, in a seperate building, as Herschel and Lynd were both concerned about this newcomer, thought on the previous day.

*this is a scene perhaps for later*

John thought on this as well. Here was yet another evil farmhand, and he was taking over the farm. "For goshdarn sakes" he thought. "I'm fed up with this world!"

John began scoping out the entire property, ensuring everything seemed to be normal. "Well's fine" he said cheerily. "Lawn needs some maintenance, but it's ok." (this scene is essentially endless)

"Yep, back porch is fine. I'm happy with how things look. Things seem ok."

But he continued to be concerned. Considering that he had literally no power at all in this arrangement, he knew that the best HE could do was ensure that the farm looked like it was being well-looked after.

But from the vantagepoint of the audience of this story, things seemed even worse. Here was Jim, coming out of nowhere, into this farmland, with no real knowledge of what was happening - what could this situation mean?

Jim had actually been called in by the local sherrif. His plan was primarily to ensure the safety of the community due to "strange goings-on."

Jim was actually being set up, because he didn't have enough knowledge on what to do. But since he was here anyway, he was going to have to make the best of it!

Jim thought over this whilst hard at work through the day. He milked the cows, ran around the farm a bit, and so on. At a certain point John kind of wandered over, and they had a discussion.

"Jim - you're new here. We don't know who you are. So if ya gonna be here, man up a bit will ya?"

But Jim didn't really know how to respond. He looked over and said, somewhat meekly "Since yaz workin here too, why can't we just get aloong hey?"

But John, knowing a trap damn well when he saw one, lazily wandered away.

-

Jim worked hard all day and then came in, where Hersh was listening to the family Virtola.

"Eh Jim, sit doan by the fiyah here we can smoke for a time."

Jim took a seat in an easy chair and took a draw upon a pipe.

"Thanks there Pop - "

"oh don't be calling me that yet Sonny! I go by Herschel to you!"

Jim responded: "Ok then."

Lynd came in having rinsed some dishes. "Eh now Pop dun be such a meanie-"

"eh weren't ya like concernced this mornin'

And it was then that it dawned on Jim. This was a trap. It wasnt eveen a good trap. It was time to leave. And so, he did!

to be continued in next post

[Vincent, Thunder God]

the continuing story

Jim decided he would leave and try to travel the world. he didn't have a lot of money, but he knew that if he was going to get away from the farm, he had to pick up his stuff and go. Herschel and Lynd didn't even make an attempt to stop him.

"I'm leaving!"

And off he went.

He traveled along a highway and found his way to a motel. It wasn't a great motel, and he swas pretty skint, but he had enough cash on him to stay there.

In the hotel, he continued to think on things that had happned. "Someone set me up, but i needed to leave because i was in danger. So the plan now is i guess to get out of town."

considering this wasn't really a crim drama, he wasn't going to be apprehended, and so he just kept walking until he found a better town and a more interesting place to live in.

When he arrived at the next town, he decided to try to put down roots. But this similarly failed - and this is the story of how it did.

Jim arrived in town, scoped out the area, staying in the local motel. He made some friends, but he knew once again that being a wanderer and having escaped from a broken home years ago, it was only going to become worse from here - or so he feared. But he knew that if he continued to try to find work, and move up the social ladder., maybe he would find safety somewhere some day.

And so Jim started looking around town, trying to find ways of understanding the local colour and finding a way to ensure not only his personal safetyy, but because he had a crazy god complex from years of abuse, he kept trying to make sure everyone else was safe to.

And the thing was, this usually failed.

So he knew now that his main focus was to keep working hard at his education, while he was there.

But his oppurtunities were limited. He had no diploma to speak of, having left school early - heck, he didn;t even have a full grade-school education.

So Jim. basically being really scared very easily, and knowing that he had to keep himself safe, decided that an incrimental approach in and around his personal safety would be of the utmost importance

Knowing this, Jim decided he would keep his contacts limited in this new town.

But it asn't long before local law enforcement became concerned once again, having been told by the sheriff of the previous town that he'd skipped it - of course.

Jim, realizing that he now was pretty much on his own, as usual, began working again towards finding a good place to sleep, a roof over his head, some food, and maybe some beer or something if he was gunna get really wild!

And so, drinking in the bar thatr night, Jim thought again over what his next steps would be.

He'd met a few people around town but they weren't sayin much.

Jim thought on this some more. his thought process wasn't necessarily super sharp, but he also knew a lot about life, and therefore how to survive.

He put down his drink and left. He didn't feel like drinking anymore.

-

Jim walked around town. It was late.
He passed by the bar. Strangely there was even a burlesque, which he similarly avoided. he needed to get back to the motel and get to sleep

-

The next day dawned and the sun came up over the clouds. Jim came out and saw some birds on a tree and thought - hey, this place aint so bad after all.

Taking a stroll down the local road he came upon a bicycle, and even though it was rusty, he got up and started cycling around. it kind of lurched a bit, but it seemed to work ok.

Jim found his way again to the local bar, and ran into one of the burlesque dancers.

"Hey Jim! Want to come in?"

Jim, having no reservations, came into the burlesque.

There were some dancers but they weren't really all that in his opinion, but the one who had invited him in seemed really cool, so he sat down and they talked for a few hours.

drinking a bunch of whiskeys - and he'd been a hard drinker, so he had the tolerance - he decided to try flirting with the dancer

"ey now ya seem like my type, why dun we head upstairs?'

"sure!" she said

and so lovemaking ensued, but we won't talk about that on this here forum

Jim came down a short while later, puffin out his shirtails and returning back to the motel

"well *urp* that was an experience."

and do

The next day.

Jim looked around the town, scoping out the police, who no longer seemed to care about him, and so he decided - ey, thigns could be ok here

but he knew also that things usually didn't turn out that way

and of course, he was right

t.b.c.

[Vincent, Thunder God]

Jim decided he would visit his "new friend" in the burlesque again.

*Rocky Racoon plays - then abruptly stops when someone pulls the needle off the record*
"Jim - how are YOU today?" she exclaimed.

Jim shrugged and sat down, again.

-

Hours later the fire had dimmed and most of the "others" had returned to their rooms, the "drunkards" all gone away.

Jim gazed down, thinking again. I need to keep an eye on myself while i;m here. He thought.

The dancer looked over with some concern. "Hey Jim - are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine."

Jim was harboring a secret though - he had a darker side - and he'd had about enough of this bulltrout!

"Look - I came here because I have nowhere else to go in this crazy place. We're gonna talk, let's actually get somewhere."

The dancer gazed at him coquettishly and twirled her fingers. "But of course young man, but of course!"

At this point, James, as he was really known, got really fed up.

-

And now the scene really begins.

James: "Hello there again! I'm glad to see you!"

The dancer, name, Margaret, smiled.

M: Nice to see you too!

but again this led nowhere

-

And now, the real scene.

Jim: "Hi. How are you?"

Margaret: "I am good! Got some good tips today and the bar's about to be closed. But I'll take a seat, seeing as it's you."

She was already weirded out.

Jim glanced over, kind of jingled his cufflinks, and poured himself another whisky - at this point, they were just leaving him the smurfing bottles.

M: "Alright younging, whatcha doon."

J: Came to town because i ran away from a bad place.

M: I know, so you've said. You want this to end up like normal smurfing grown-up dynamics, come back some time and lemme know!

So Jim left, slept, and the next day, he was back again.

-

J: Hi, M!

M: Helloo!

So Jim sat again at his table and pondered why these dynamics were so problematic. Runs away from possible romance, ok. The bar lady seems hot but as usual it's going nowhere - ok.

But -

M: Alright there young man, let's get something straight. You keep coming into my bar - why?

J: Cos I want talk!

M: There's more to it than that, clearly!

J: Well...

And yet another scene of Jim maybe eating another meal with a whole bunch of sausages in some lettuce.

Then

J: Hey now! I thought we were going somehwere with this.


And then it dawned on him-

M: Hold it right theah!

I'm still interested but i figure this won't go anywhere unteel we can rite sum bettah dialog!

t.b.c

[Vincent, Thunder God]

The fire died down and James got to thinking further.

"I mean, I'm here now. But this still isn't going anywhere."

Margaret came down and gazed at him again in mock-concern.

"Oh, POOR YOU."

Jim kind of sat there calmly with equanimity on his face and didn't give a flying smurf.

Margaret sat down.

"Well, clearly this ISN'T working."

Clearly, thought Jim to himself.

Margaret began brushing her hair ostentasiously.

Jim thinks WHY

The brush is put away. A horse grooming brush is taken out instead.

Jim gazes away, absently.

-

A couple of months later

Margaret: "Well Jim, you sure have spent a fair amount of your earnings here at our dance hall."

Jim: "I'm trying to understand things better. I think I've reached a point where i actually have."

Margaret: " Ah!" she said, with some level of excitement.

Jim: "I think if I keep coming here, at some point, I will understand you better."

M: "I see!" she said, grinning.

Jim *takes a big bite of an apple with drool rolling down his chin*

For that matter, why don;t i just take you upstairs then and

-we cut that scene for the benefit of the forum, *snip*

Jim: coming down the stairs a bit woozy "holy hell that was awesome"

t.b.c

[Vincent, Thunder God]

The fire died down and James got to thinking further.

"I mean, I'm here now. But this still isn't going anywhere."

Margaret came down and gazed at him again in mock-concern.

"Oh, POOR YOU."

Jim kind of sat there calmly with equanimity on his face and didn't give a flying smurf.

Margaret sat down.

"Well, clearly this ISN'T working."

Clearly, thought Jim to himself.

Margaret began brushing her hair ostentasiously.

Jim thinks WHY

The brush is put away. A horse grooming brush is taken out instead.

Jim gazes away, absently.

-

A couple of months later

Margaret: "Well Jim, you sure have spent a fair amount of your earnings here at our dance hall."

Jim: "I'm trying to understand things better. I think I've reached a point where i actually have."

Margaret: " Ah!" she said, with some level of excitement.

Jim: "I think if I keep coming here, at some point, I will understand you better."

M: "I see!" she said, grinning.

Jim *takes a big bite of an apple with drool rolling down his chin*

For that matter, why don;t i just take you upstairs then and

-we cut that scene for the benefit of the forum, *snip*

Jim: coming down the stairs a bit woozy "holy hell that was awesome"

t.b.c

Some of this dialog is good but it''s going nowhere - Jim wrote to himself in his journal.

I need something better to develop!

So back he went to the dance hall.

But this time - another dancer!

Sallly

Sally strolled over and projected some level of threateningness

"Sir! Sir. Dun you want to head upstairs agin"

*sure thing boos*

-

And

-

Ginger

"Jim - seeing as you are an interesting kind of guy, we might as welll continue this discussion, if only to try to seek to understand exactly why thjis ent workin"

Jim nodded vociferously.

mhm and yes i dooo


Ginger: "Seeing as you really are interesintg, shurly theah musht bee a vey

oh no! she was russian

"i tink peerhaps u r int tu gud dynamic with rulplayr?"

ginger: yup


jim had left the scene, of course

t.b.c

[Vincent, Thunder God]

Ginger smoked a cigar and downed a whiskey.

good god, here came another one.

Hi - I'm Jim 2.

oh no robots

Jim 2 sat down. looking around just like "Last" Jim

Jim: Fetch me a whiskey ho!

Ginger: Right away sir!

the saga continues

[Vincent, Thunder God]

(main subplot, whatever's happening with ginger at the bar etc, but main story seems to be jim trying to uncover corruption - but actually he has no real knowledge - he's trying to stay alive in the town, or at least just hang out at the motel and get enough food/beer to last whatever)

Jim's Tale/Ginger's Revenge

Part 1:Jim

Jim walked into like the town square and thought on his night after whatever had happened at the dance hall. Realizing he needed another drink, he headed to the bar, ordered a whiskney neat. In those days, daytime drinking was the norm. Furthermore -

Ginger was absent because it wasn't her day, and the bar was kind of empty, except for like a janitor in the corner sweepingd up some dust and stuff from the previous day. Jim looked over, said hello. Janitor looked up with a big smile on his face.

"Hey young lad! Good to see you here again! I am glad that you are doing well enough to at least spend time in herre routinely."

Jim thought on this a moment. Once again it felt like one of those situations where people seemed to imply something they had no real way of knowing, and indeed maybe a scenario that had not only never happened -

But in those days, reflected Jim - no hospitals to speak of.

In any case.

-

Meanwhile, part 1 of Ginger's tale, we will return to Jim's story very soon!

Ginger in her apartment prepared for the following day's shift. Being smart, she didn't get to dirnking herself like some of the other dancers. but she knew that A. With this strange newcomer, things were getting dangerous in town - even though there was NO REAL REASON OR EVIDENCE TO SUPPORT THIS and so nevertheless FEELING DANGER for ANOTHER REASON! OR just SOME REASON THAT WAS EQUALLY VALID she got out of the apartment immediately and decided to walk around town to "scope" out the "situation"

Ginger, realizing that the previous scene was irrelevant to HER own personal story, decided to revise it and start again.

She went to the dance hall - where else was there to go here anyway? But then figured, hey, day off, could go to like the fields and take a stroll around, maybe shoot the trout with somer of the other locals.

*long dialogue scene that includes a lot of cool stuff about the town, also develops not only ginger as secondary protagonist but also gives the town more of a feel and leads to kind of a more "cozy" or less twilight zone/evil Dashiell Hammet operator sting op type mood - but considering only one writer so far, who knows if that will actually happen. *shrugs!* *

and now 's story

's story begins now behind imaginary non-existent "paywall"

*vtg laughs into coat pocket whilst typing*

VTG looks up at screen.

Heh, as awesome as this story is so far by my limited personal standards these days - as in, i could be doing better but coming up with this stuff for fun in my "spare time" seems harmless enough

So -

said - "hey now Vance, remeber the past?! remeber the old forums... remember*

and then 's reverie stopped

Next time "ginger discovers a more comedic subplot involving not only her job at the burlesque hall but also maybe like a side-mystery" so says feminist better yet "ginger starts developing enough contacts to basically run the town"

jim "continues to try to understand the town, ensure his own personal safety, yada yada yada"

t.b.c!

-a,j. aka. vtg

[Vincent, Thunder God]

Ginger: *love scene by Lookout mountain*

But this is cut cos too hot for forum.

Jim leaves the town in confusion. "Just what is this?" Goes on to star in Hulk type vacation show, returns as guest star occasionally.

Meanwhile, a new arrival - as usual - Vinnie.

Vinnie decides to head straight to the action and goes to the dancing hall. *but Honeybee in scenario avoided! hooray!*

Vinnie joins the hall as enforcer - no, rocky racoon. Saves the prozzies? nope, Cooper F.B.I bs

Thus - "a new paradigm"

Making the town!

[Vincent, Thunder God]

"Camera! Rights abuse! Cut!"