Alright, here's what I'm thinking of on the Avril front.
We grab her when she goes out to get her mail or something and put her in a van. Take said van to a predetermined location that will be devoid of any sentient life (like a McDonald's, or an abandoned warehouse.), where Avril will be removed from the van. She will be blindfolded so that she has no idea where she is. At any point if she speaks, she will be slapped across the face with a mackerel, preferably dead, but not frozen (so it will make her smell like fish). If the worst should happen and she should attempt to sing and thereby incapacitate us, her mouth will be sewn shut with piano wire. Before she is allowed to exit the van, she will be tied up so that she cannot move her arms or legs, sort of like a mummy.
Upon reaching the location, she will be taken inside with the use of a hand cart. She will be hung by the rope binding her wrists from a meat hook at a height so that her toes will be touching the floor, but a few inches too high for her to stand. At this point we will remove her blindfold and leave.
Now that I think about it, the warehouse dealie might work better for this part, although at McDonald's there would be innocent bystanders and children, which would make it funnier. A swarm of badgers, which have been starved for approximately a week, will be released into the room. However, due to the height at which Avril will be suspended, only her feet and lower legs will be within their reach. This will be videotaped and shown to posterity.
Once her legs are reduced to nubs, we will feed the badgers and go back in the room to gather them up. Avril's leg-nubs will be cauterized by dipping them in a fryolator. They will be battered beforehand. Anyone who is hungry can have some. Once all the badgers have been relocated to the nearest nursing home, we will continue with Avril. At this point she will probably be hallucinating with agony, and this will be exploited to the fullest. We will re-enter the room dressed in whatever neat halloween costumes we can find, and pretend we ate her family, friends, teenage admirers, and pets. Anyone who's into that sort of thing can feel free to do so; I certainly won't judge you. We will then make her watch her own music videos while she is hallucinating, but rather than playing her music, the Greatest Hits of Polka will be played. She won't know what the hell's going on.
Because it would be mean to leave her in such a state of bewilderment, a sandblaster will be used to snap her out of it. Paper cuts will be administered between her fingers, toes, the corners of her lips, and underside of her nose. She will then be liberally sprayed with Tabasco sauce. Then salt water will be used to remove the tabasco, and she will be doused in bacon grease. Ferrets will be placed on her and allowed to lick off all the bacon grease, but only if there are enough surface wounds to make it excruciating. We wouldn't want it to tickle, right?
Eventually this is going to get boring, and someone is doubtless going to ask if we could speed it up. Happy to oblige, we'll beat her with broom handles like a dirty rug, or a pinata. To keep it authentic, candy will be duct taped to her, and it will be a competition to see who can knock it off first. Once there are no bones left intact, and we've all had enough candy, she will be placed in a garbage can. This garbage can will be rolled down the steepest, highest hill around. If she's not dead yet, we'll do it a couple more times.
The grand finale will be a good old-fashioned kicking-and-baseball-batting-fest, just as was done to the deviant copier in Office Space.
She will then be cut into morsel-sized strips and made into jerky. Because then at least she will have served a decent purpose. Jerky rules. I hate Avril.
