Wot about DEATH!?

[Ichy]

I was born... different. I never had any emotions. I imitated everyone else to fit in. I did this up until the age of 21, when I met my ex-fiancee and, well, lets just say I've still been trying to deal with learning what it means to be happy and sad and angry everything else for the past five years, especially the past two that I've been alone. Would anyone mourn for me were I to die? You better damn well believe it. I've always known that there's alot of people who care for me and would miss me greatly. Would I mourn for any of them? Sounds odd, but no, not likely. Only one person I miss in my life and she is figuratively quite dead to me already.

I've had relatives die. When I was doing alot of drugs back in the day where I was searching for anything I could define as real I had friends die, one of them right in front of me. People have always been horrified at how I am unshaken by it, but what am I supposed to do? Keep pretending I have a feeling just for their benefit and disgrace their passing, reduce it to nothing but an insincerity? I think not.

It gets worse. Again, back in my days of abuse, I couldn't exactly just get my drugs for free... Eventually I was arrested for the work I did to earn them. 48 counts of arson. To this day I still don't know if anyone had been in any of those places, but honestly, the thought never crosses my mind unless someone starts up a conversation about this sort of thing. Yes, I feel remorse for my actions in a selfish sort of way now, years after I paid my dues for the crimes, although I didn't at the time. As I said, I was quite literally incapable of it back then. Do I feel remorse for the lives that may or not have been lost as a direct result of my actions? No. The concept is still as of yet unfathomable to me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt in my mind that absolutely nothing could have justified any of it, not in any kind of way whatsoever, but aside from the wasted years of my own life that became of it, my shattered health, I know nothing more of regret or guilt or this misery which others so diligently attatch to the loss of a conscious life.

So what of this whole deal with dying and being dead? Depends. Are you a religious person? Do you think there's anything out there? Heaven or Hell? How about the theory that we are made up of stardust and our conciousness is freed to roam the universe unhindered when we die? Or that we have souls that float around in limbo and wait for their next turn to jump into a corporeal form on earth? See, alot of times the concept of death gets misconstrued by all this jargon. People fail to see the truth of death itself since they've been so blinded by the concept of something coming to meet them afterwards. What is that truth? Life is experience, it's everything and anything that happens to you as a person, regardless of what you make or learn of it. In death one or more of your organs cease to perform their assigned functions resulting in total structural failure and the inevitable permanent loss of earthly consciousness. Death is nothing more or less than the loss of your earthbound experience.

Now... as far as the age old question I have inadvertedly drudged up concerning the afterlife, I think that it is a completely undefineable thing, therefore I choose not to believe in it. If there really were some kind of afterlife with spirits and alternate dimensions and whatnot, then why are only certain individuals made privy to knowledge of it? Silly unproven "paranormal" experiences testified by frightened humans who desperately crave attention and consolation for some portion of everyday physics we have yet to define or ultimately disprove scientifically. Honestly, if I die and become some kind of being in some kind of afterlife, you can bet your arse I'm coming back to tell everyone about it, just to lay all this to rest. Everyone, not just some lunatic relative in the family that hears voices.

Off Topic: Sensitive nature, this thread. Shouldn't it be in EoEO?