Greetings Vana’Diel adventurers!
First, let me assure you that this information I have come across is completely and utterly 100% genuine!
I am fortunate enough to know a friend who has an uncle who has a pen-pal in Japan, Sushi-san. Sushi-san is a good friend of a disgruntled employee at Square-Enix, Pika-san he has sorted and delivered their mail for nigh on 5 years and they haven’t yet given him the real life buster sword he was promised on employment, so this was his opportunity for some pay back!
Without further ado I present the contents of a memo passed around Square-Enix regarding the new and prestigious job I’m sure we will be enjoying for months, nay, years to come!
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Job Title
Gimp
Job Requirements
1. Must play as Galka.
2. Must have WHM and Summoner at 45, and possess only Carbuncle.
3. Must have used over 10 000 /sh messages in last month while based in city zones.
Special Features
The gimp class is only able to equip level 1 Bronze armour. Why? Because a gimp knows he DOES NOT NEED better armour.
Abilities
2-hour ability - LOLZ! N00BZ!
The gimp loves being a gimp, and he’s going to show you why!
“LOLZ! N00BZ!” instantly un-equips your party’s armour and weapons before proceeding to spawn an aggressive beastman +20 levels ahead of current job level slightly to your left. With “LOLZ! N00BZ!” the gimp gets to really shine at doing what he does best, killing the party needlessly!
Level 5 ability – WTF? (recast time: 20 seconds)
WTF? Is a unique job ability across Vana’Diel, and lets you communicate to everyone in a city zone effortlessly.
“WTF?” instantly compiles an obscene message communicated using only auto-translate, and sends it across /sh in all city zones. Any /t then sent to gimp in the next minute will be automatically replied with “WTF?” and instantly earn the Gimp a “Gimp Coin”. (Gimp Coins can be traded in for more bronze armour, or a cracker firework).
Level 15 ability – AGRO! (recast time: 5 minutes)
Likened to the Dragoon Super Jump ability, the “AGRO!” ability can remove any enmity from the Gimp, such as that gained after they have wondered carelessly into the middle of several aggressive high level monsters, and transfer it to the nearest available WHM.
Level 30 ability – Skillchain? S’if n00bz! (recast time: 1 minute)
The Gimp knows full well that regular skillchains are both unnecessary, if not harmful to your party – his weapon skills are the only thing that matters.
“Skillchain? S’if n00bz!” removes TP from all other party members, transfers it to the gimp and proceeds to repeatedly spam /p with the message “Skillchain? S’if n00bz, I’m solo!”
Passive Abilites
Lvl 1 - Spam
Spam automatically sends a message to /p whenever the Gimp starts to use an ability, a spell, hits the target, misses the target, sees a possible target, or when there hasn’t been another spam message in the last minute.
Spam draws upon an extensive list of possible messages from the server, often utilising famous characters from Final Fantasy history, misspelled of course, and in inappropriate ways. All /p messages include a <call>, usually <call5>.
Examples are:
Bahhamot give me divine power to ***CURE*** my party member >>>>>>> Mort! <call5>
Areyal give me your mighty strength, BOOST! <call2>
GET OVER HERE NOW BIZNATCH - PROVOKE Tiny Mandragora <call5>
Lvl 10 – Use MP
Use MP is only useful when combined with a BLM or WHM subjob. Use MP will automatically cast a constant stream of conflicting self-buffs on the gimp, such as blaze spikes followed by ice spikes followed by shock spikes.
Use MP will also automatically cast both the highest level dia and bio available on a new battle target.
Lvl 40 – Dragon Killer
Same as Dragoons, and just as useful.
Favorite past time.
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