'A fat woman walked into the shoe store today. She asked for something that would fit comfortable. I said try Wyoming.'

'Good news. I got them to take another hundred bucks off the car. I mean, who needs seat belts when you don't have brakes?'

'What was I thinking when I said 'I do' ? I'd already had sex with her so I didn't need that again.'

'I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids, I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here?'

'Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage?'

'The home shopping network! There's a good idea for women! It was a little too hard driving to the mall with a couch strapped to their ass.'

'Six bucks is too much money to spend on any woman.'

'That's the sound of the axel hitting the ground. That means one of two things. Either Peg's family's in town or everybody in China just jumped off a chair.'

'Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?'

'Peg, I suspect your mind, much like the lost continent of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map.'

I'f daddy gets the (electric)chair, will you sit on his lap one last time?'

'I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married.'

'This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids and I'll see you in a week.'

'Am I truly nothing? Could the neighbourhood children be right?'

'Computers and women are ruining the country.'

'You remember that time when we were dating? And we took that walk on Augstreet beach at sunset? The wind was blowing through your hair and you got cold, so I gave you back your jacket.'

'She's got you shaking like a frenchman in a thunderstorm.'

'Now son, look here, these redwood-trees they're over a thousand years old. I'm gonna cut me one of these down and use for a base for my satellite dish.'

'Well that God person, what do you think she looks like?'

'I deserve to be punished, I married your mother.'

'We all have to live with our disappointments... I have to sleep with mine.'

'Life with the wife out of town. Now this is marriage.'

'Expired driver's license. Why can't a marriage license do that?'

'There's two things that the Bundy's don't do. We don't eat vegatables and we don't tap.'

'A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.'

'Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?'

'Run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist.'

'Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell womens' shoes.'

'The opera isn't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep.'

'Marcy, the part with the cups goes in front.'

'Women, you can't live with 'em, you can't herd them all into Canada...'

'I saw women today that would make General Scharzkopf carry the white flag.'

'It's bad enough that I know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know?'

'I'm not selling shoes for the money. I'm in it to torutre fat women.'

'I've lived and I've loved... later on I even married.'

'People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.'

'The brain doesn't need blood. It just needs to be kept wet.'

'Christmas is no time for regrets, that's what wedding anniversaries are for.'

'I've got a woman so lame that she actually thinks that when I groan during sex it has anything to do with her.'

'I hate my life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury my wife in the backyard.'

'I married you 'til death do us part. So when I'm dead, I'm free to date.'

'I haven't showered in a week so I think I better get right to bed...'

'This country has been run far too long by people who know the issues.'

'Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job.'

'Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.'

'Soon our mouths will be alive with dead animals of every race and religion.'

'Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?'

'Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home.'

'That's what being a man is like: making mistakes and not caring.'

'Except for the day before the day I met you, Peg, this is the happiest day of my life.'

'If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done.'

'Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.'

'Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death.'

'It gets better each time as long as it's never with the same woman.'

'I left high-school, lost the will to live and here I am...'

'I don't HAVE to go to sleep after sex. I WANT to go to sleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.'

'Love is not only blind but stupid.'

'Life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head.'

'It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time.'

'Milwaukee. That's the town they build around you mother isn't it, Peg?'

'Bud, we don't throw away everything that doesn't work. If that was the case, you wouldn't have a mother.'

'If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave, and if you want it to be good, your wife have to leave.'

'If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made them men.'

'I saw your mother naked and everything went black!!! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!!!'

'The American justice system works! Beat the crap out of people before the judges let them go!'

'Four weddings and a funeral, where's the difference?'

'I wish the world was a fly and I'm a giant rolled up newspaper.'

'I wouldn't rub your feet if a genee popped out of them.'

'Kids take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials.'

'A man's home is his coffin.'

'Health people are like dinosaurs. They're not fit to survive.'

'Anything that's good enough for the cockroach is good enough for my family.'

'None today! Tomorrow, twice as much!'

'We haven't had any kids in over 10 years. I must be doing something right.'

'I'm jealous of everyone not married to you.'

'Women, you can't live with'm, the end.'