A Vegan Proposal
Please note: This is something I wrote years ago, in Digital Expressions so if some parts don't seem quite relevant, that's probably why. Also, there is no filter/mods on DE, and left to my own devices I am sometimes rather profane. I did try to clean the profanity out of this thread, but if there is still some remaining then by all means let me know and I'll get right on editing it out.
For some reason, the internet seems to be a haven for vegans--not people who believe that they shouldn't eat meat, but people who believe that I shouldn't eat meat. These people refer to meat, as I saw one idiot write, as "murdered meat, raped (yes, she wrote 'raped') milk, and stolen eggs." First, this is inherently stupid, but more than that, it trivializes the actual crime--who in their right mind would want to equate the killing of a pig to the murder of a human being, or taking a chicken's eggs to stealing the work of another person? And it can only be described as disgusting to say that the violation of another person's body is no more offensive than milking a cow.
My first impulse--and, I believe, the correct one--is to tell these people to clean my hairy redneck *** with a straw (I advise you to try not to visualize that). However, I have seen an idea--it's not mine although I certainly wish it was--that might be a workable compromise.
The main argument of vegans is that no animal chooses to be killed and eaten. This is true, of course--no animal wants to be eaten by humans or by other animals.
However, there is a difference between prey and predator animals--first, they are different. Deer do not prey on wolves, nor do rabbits prey on hawks or marmots on ferrets. While some animals do prey on scavengers or meat eaters--such as insect-eating birds being a major food source for many animals, or among fish where the rule is basically to eat anything you can fit in your mouth--the general rule is that prey animals eat only plants while carnivorous animals eat only meat.
Again to the crux of the matter--deer do not choose to eat only plants. Naturally, were they given a choice, they would choose not to be prey; I can't imagine a deer wanting a pack of wolves to run it to exhaustion, cut the tendons in its back legs with their teeth, tear its throat out, then tear chunks of its flesh out and gulp them down while it's still twitching in the agonies of death.
Therefore, with the choice being between predator or prey, Vegans, with their refusal to eat anything but plant matter, have taken the option of being prey.
Those of us who wish to pursue a natural human diet, therefore, now have exactly what we need--prey that chose to be prey! We can kill them in a humane manner, of course, and make sure they're cooked properly. Those of us who wish to wear leather can wear "Human(e) Leather" which will not irritate our consciences; and vegans, in the spirit of aiding us in compassionate meat and leather consumption, can even get tattoos in designs which will work well with an article of clothing--some may even wish to tattoo lines on their bodies to aid skinning or tailoring!
Moreover, this does two other things--one is that it reduces human population. Vegans, as a whole, usually decry the human race as evil, and any measure which will reduce the human population will doubtless meet with applause and widespread cooperation and approval. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, the practice of eating vegans will remove from our population the most stupid and morally stunted among us, thereby profiting humanity as a whole.
...it is not improbable that some scrupulous people might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed very unjustly) as a little bordering on cruelty, which I confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection against any project, howsoever well intended.
--Jonathon Swift, A Modest Proposal, 1729
Originally Posted by jrgen
I propose a challenge.
Wat
is
going
on
wtf
rawr
:temigi: 
