Hilarious take on Street Fighter Characters
If this pisses you off, don't blame me. I stole this from another forum. Please try to remember that this is someone joking around (I'm looking at you, Joel). Enjoy!
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The Street Fighter cast has over 50 characters, and they all suck. Which is saying something, seeing as how Capcom is proabably the king of milking franchises by adding even more useless characters to an already useless line up. It's going to take a while, but let's look at all these tards, and I'll remind you why you should hate them, and why you should feel stupid.
Street Fighter Two: All 5,000 versions of it.
This is the troublemaking peice of crap that started it all. Well, actually, Street Fighter one is to blame, but since no sane human being has ever bothered to own the first game, we won't bother with that. In case you've been living under a rock, or you weren't satisfied with the Super Street Fighter Two: Turbo Edition, Capcom will soon be Relaseing Super Street Fighter Two X: Extreeme Combo Tournament Collector's Edition, which is exactly the same as the previous veriousion, but now Ken's Shoryuken has .0002 more inches of reach.
Not only does this game manage to suck, but also manages to get every single culture in every major country on planet earth completly wrong.
From the rolling purple mountains of Britian to the Giant Half-Naked Statue in Thailand, you can tell Capcom put all their effort into making this game as true to life as possible. And by that I mean, getting high and opening up a coloring book.
But the stages are nothing compared to the characters themselves, which just thinking about make me angry, let's take a look shall we:
Ryu: Ah yes, The mysterious kung-fu fighter with a mysterious past who simply travels the world looking for a fight. Trademark flamer if I've ever seen one.
Let's look at the facts, we've got a sweaty muscular man who travels the world looking for other sweaty muscular men. Constantly following him is a young-semi-attracitve Japanese female who despereatly wants him to train her, and would undoubtibly bang him from the word go, and Ryu's response is always "No."
If you ask me, Ryu isn't going around the world looking for a fight, but rather trying to come to grips with his fllaming sexuality. If Sonic is Gay, then Ryu is the 12-times re-elected mayor of Queertown, and is running unapposed for a 13th.
Ken: Here we have proof from day one that Capcom doesn't have an original bone in their bodies. SF fans who love to spurt out crap like "Well, they studied at the same dojo! It's the same style." and "Well in Super Street Fighter Ken got a flaming Super so they're not really the same other then the fact that every other move they have is identical" etc, are missing the point. The fact that you actually know anything about the Street Fighter "plot" shows a much bigger problem. It's like complaining about the lighting in a crackhouse.
Chun-li: Ah, the single solitary female fighter. Who'd've guessed they'd make her into a complete slut huh? Oh you wacky Japanese. Chun-li represents the first in a long line of Capcom fighters who exist for no other reason then to flash their digital goods. I swear to god, if there's one move in this woman's repetoire that doesn't involve her underwear being exposed, I haven't been able to execute it. And let me tell you, there's nothing more exiting then watching an SNES sprite show off it's silky cotton panties! Christ.
Blanka: What the s*** is this f***?! Are you trying to tell me there's no people in Brazil? Or maybe Capcom's trying to suggest all Brazillians are monsters. Of course, since this is Capcom we're talking about here, they can't even do a simple concept like a monster right. Why the hell is this thing wearing pants?! Shouldn't they have, I dunno, worn out after 20+ years of wearing them. Not to mention this bastard's shooting off electricty more than I <!-shoot out baby batter after watching a good Asia Correra movie->*snip* ~ Big D. PANTS+LIGHTNING=DISINTIGRATION!
Also, according to the manual, Blanka learned to do electricity from eels. Excuse the flaming, burning, shouldn't-have-slept-with-that-sorority-girl piss outta me?! I want a scientific explanation on how that one works!
Dhalsim: I hate this guy. I really hate this guy. Every Indian person, and everyone who practices Yoga should seriously hate this guy and want to burn down Capcom's HQ. With their Yoga Fire of Course.
You know something, my mom takes Yoga. I've seen her Yoga tapes. THERE IS NOTHING ON THESE TAPES RELATING TO TELEPORTATION AND/OR THE BREATHING OF FIRE.
E. Honda: Here's another winner right here. A big fat guy who's pissed off because the rest of the world doesn't take Sumo seriously. Well, here's a clue tubby. No one takes Sumo seriously because it's a stupid sport. I swear, only a country like Japan would make a sport where fat sweaty men in thongs who rub up against each other their national pastime. Still want to move to the orient, anime freaks?! Of course, I bet our good man Honda is gay for Ryu, BECAUSE THEY'RE BROTHERS!
Guile: As an American, I hate Guile's guts. Apperently Capcom's perception of Americans are A) Good for nothing spoiled copycats (Ken) B) No-nonsense army idiots (Guile) or C) Desperate to be Japanese (Sodom).
Zangief:
I think that's all that needs to be said about Zangeif
Balrog: All right, our first black character. Here Capcom has a chance to break the stereotype, and create a meanful and skilled fighter. And what do they do? Create a stupid, savage boxer who probably has a tendency to bite off ears. Way to go Capcom, another winner under your belt.
Vega: Dear God, can this sausage party get any meatier. Vega reigns supreme as Capcom's biggest queer to date, a Spanish assassin in love with his own image who likes killing the ugly, which is ironic since ugly nerds comprise the majority of Capcom's fan base. Jeez, can this series please produce at least one likable character?
Sagat: TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER! TIGER UPPERCUT!
M. Bison: Who-boy. You go through cheap computer-played opponents, you fight your hardest. You break barrels and cars. Surley your reward is an awesome boss, one who's intimidating and creepy. Or you could get a goofy looking mother in an army suit who's more hilariously stupid looking than anything else. Meh, whatever. Chances are you're so jaded by the retardicity of the game at this point you've stopped caring.
Dee Jay: Okay Capcom, you screwed up with Balrog, but you've still got a chance here to redeem yourself with Dee Jay. As long as you don't make him some slack-jawed out of place moron who's....dammit to hell. What is with this game?! Is the grand wizard of the KKK the Character designer?
T. Hawk: I love T. Hawk because, he manages to set the bar for Capcom-based stupidity. Not only is he the embodyment of every singe native-american stereotype on the planet, they managed to put him in the WRONG DAMN COUNTRY! I mean, Guile may be a horrible stereotype, but at least he lives in the country he's a stereotype of. He's not hanging out with Dhalsim's elephants in India. Poor Mexico, as if they didn't have enough problems already, now they've got to deal with T. Hawk
Fei-Long: A Brue-Lee homage in a fighting video game. Now there's a concept that hasn't been done at least a million times. I wouldn't be surprised if Guilty Gear has one snuck in there somewhere
Cammy: Well, at least with this one, Capcom didn't even try to hide that she exists soley so anime-nerds can take a gander at her backside. Wearing the traditional British uniform of a Green-thonged swimsuit and Red Barret. Cammy has a diverse line of consisting of "Spin while showing the camera my ass" or "Make a dive while showing the camera my ass" or "Going spread-eagle victory pose." This is such obviously dumb fan service it even makes a guy like me want to run out and join the feminist movement.
Akuma: Dammit to hell. As if Ken and Ryu weren't enough, now we have this idiot to deal with. At first I loved him because he came out of nowhere and killed M. Bison, officially the first cool thing ever to happen in a street fighter game, but then ruined the moment by being the exact same as Red and White, except he was evil, and had a grimace on his face that makes him look like a muppet. It's hard to be intimidating when you're face looks like it's being controlled by strings.
Yeah, these guys suck, but I haven't even gotten to the Alpha and the SF3 characters yet. But don't worry, that's coming soon.
In the mean time, you can send your hate mail to:
Vanilla Hates My Video Game Series
P O Box 1835 Atlanta GA, 10234
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If enough people thought that was good, I'll post what he said about the Alpha people. That is, if you want it.
Originally Posted by Sephex
