Stop making me laugh. My guts hurt.
Stop making me laugh. My guts hurt.
"As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless,
uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?"
One day Johnny Deeper was at home with his girlfriend and they were going at it. His grilfriend was in her climax and she was screaming, "Johnny, deeper!" His mom came home and called his name, "Johnny Deeper! Where are you?" He said, "I'm deep enough!" His dad walked in and called his name, "Johnny Deeper! Where are you?" Again he said "I'm deep enough!" Then his grandma came in and called his name, "Johnny Deeper! Where are you?" This time he said, "I can't go any deeper!"
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One day S***, Damn, and Manners were walking when S*** was hit by a car. Damn went to tell someone. He said to an old lady, "Help, S*** was hit by a car!" She was horrified at the language of this boy. "What's wrong with you?" she said. Damn said, "S*** was hit by a car! You got to help him!" Again the woman was shocked. She said, "What's wrong with you? Where are your manners?" Damn said, "Out there Picking up S***."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along when they come to a trail. The Lone Ranger starts to cross but Tonto scrambled down from his horse, presses his ear to the ground, then got back on his horse and faded back into the brush. "Horse come, Kemosabe."
"Nonsense, Tonto--why, there ain't anybody within 50 miles except the Burrows outfit!"
Tonto nodded. "Horse come, Kemosabe."
The Lone Ranger shrugged and got back into the brush himself--and sure enough, a minute later the Burrows outfit, 30 strong, came riding through--if they'd tried to cross they'd have been seen, and it would have meant a tough fight.
"Now, how did you know that?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Ground make ear go clop-clop, like when horse come."
Later that day, the two came across railroad tracks. The Lone Ranger got out his canteen, ready to take a break, but Tonto scrambled down from his horse, pressed his ear to the rails, then got back on his horse and rode across the rails.
"What's with that, Tonto? It's hot, and about time for a break."
"Train come, Kemosabe."
"Naw, that can't be right--there's not a train due for another few hours."
Tonto shrugged. "Train come, Kemosabe."
The Lone Ranger shrugged and followed Tonto across the tracks and away from them--and not five minutes later, a train came roaring along. Had they stayed where they were they'd have taken their break while choking on dust and smoke.
"How did you know there was a train comin', Tonto?"
"Ground make ear go chugga-chugga, like when train come."
Towards evening they were still riding along, and were at the top of a high hill in open plains where they could see for miles and miles. Tonto got down from his horse, pressed his ear to the ground, then looked up and said "Buffalo come, Kemosabe."
"Now, this time I know you're wrong. The hunters have killed the buffalo off here--and besides, we can see for a good dozen miles in any direction. We'd be able to see 'em."
Tonto shrugged. "Buffalo come, Kemosabe."
"Now, how do you know that?"
<span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">Do not read this next part.... :</span> <span class="spoiler">"Ground make ear sticky, like when buffalo come."</span>
peter asks jesus to watch the gates to heaven so jesus does after a while a old man come up to jesus and says " have you seen my son he has holes in his hands and feet" jesus says "Father?" the old man says "pinochio ?"
a man goes to a psycic (bad spelling skills) and asks if there will be golf in heaven and the psycic says "well theres good news and bad news the good news is yes the bad news is you have a 10 o'clock tee time
Thomas A. Edison wrote:
There will one day spring from the brain of science a machine or force so fearful in its potentialities, so absolutely terrifying, that even man, the fighter, who will dare torture and death in order to inflict torture and death, will be appalled, and so abandon war forever.
How do you get a tramp into a phone booth?
Throw in a can of beans
How do you get him bakc out again?
Run past with a can opener
Yea, they were terrible weren't they?
Dance Macabre
Redneck that was the nastiest joke I have ever heard.
What's the worst part about eating a vegetable?
The wheelchair.
I spoke to someone from another country during his month-long visit to the USA. His accent threw me off.
Me-What was the first thing you did when you came to this country?
Foreigner-I bought toupees. (He stroked his long, red hair.)
Me-You didn't need them.
Foreigner-Yes, I did. I was starvin'. I bought a pay for now, and a pay for later.
Me-Oh, you bought two pies.
Foreigner-Yes, clean your ears. Next thing I did was go to a bar. There, I drank an English beer, and I think it was pure ale.
Me-So, you liked it?
Foreigner-I just said it was pure 'ale!
Me-Pure hell?
Foreigner-Right. So I decided to knock back a few Canadian beers. After I was done, I wanted to pee.
Me-I should imagine.
Foreigner-But I couldn't.
Me-So, you just held it in?
Foreigner-What're you talking about?
Me-Well, you said you couldn't pee.
Foreigner-The reason I couldn't pee was because I didn't have the money. You gotta have money to pee the tab for your drinks.
Me-Oh, pay.
Foreigner-Right. Anyway, to pee off my debt, I was cuttin' up my mate.
Me-Why were you cutting up your mate?
Foreigner-To put it in the pot.
Me-Your meat.
Foreigner-Right. The cook and her assistant who I was helpin' to pee off my debt each had a lovely pear. The bartender wanted'a rape one during my break. He said I could have at a pear, too.
Me-Isn't that sexual harassment? (Pear, pair, they rhyme, so I was thrown off.)
Foreigner-I don't see how. He wanted'a rape one. I didn't want'a rape one. So he hade the rape one, and I had the unrape one.
Me-Oh, ripe pears.
Foreigner-Right. Then, an officer came in, looked at the pot, then looked at the bartender, and said, "Irish stew."
Me-Irish stew in the pot?
Foreigner-Irish stew in the name of the law. He didn't know his liquor license expired.
Me-He was arrested?
Foreigner-Right. Three weeks later, he was sentenced to 9 months.
Me-Some people have trouble understanding sentences. Did he have any trouble understanding the sentence?
Foreigner-Nowhere near as much trouble as I do understandin' your sentences. I'm goin' back home.
Me-Why?
Foreigner-It's the only place where they speak bloody English.
Last edited by Crazy the Clown; 06-07-2005 at 05:46 AM. Reason: Slight alterations.
This joke as I originally heard it was significantly more offensive (the setting was Mississippi, rather than the fictional Forum-land, and the joke invented circa 1950 or so...), so I made up a few details out of pure cloth to change it...
A fellow in Forum-land went to the dentist and explained to Big Dentist, DM, that he needed a tooth pulled.
"are you liberal or conservative?" Big Dentist, DM, asked the fellow, and he answered "Liberal".
"Well, that'll be $75, and I'll need to schedule you for an hour appointment--how will that work?"
The fellow said that it would work just fine, and then explained that he had a friend who also needed a tooth pulled.
"Is this guy conservative or liberal?" Big Dentist, DM, asked, and the fellow answered, "Well, he's a conservative."
"Oooh... Well, it's going to be $1,800 and he'll need to stay three days."
"I'm probably going to wish I hadn't asked," the fellow started, "but why the price difference and the stay?"
"Well, they're not allowed to open their mouths around here, so we have to go in through the bottom."
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