(A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.)Originally Posted by Raistlin
She lies! Bring on the witch burning!
FIRST VILLAGER: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
CROWD: BURN!! BUUUURN HER!
BEDEVERE: But how do you *know* she is a witch?
FIRST VILLAGER: She looks like one!
OTHER VILLAGERS: Yeah! She looks like one!!!
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
(They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up as a witch. She is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose, and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is closed by the carrot.)
WITCH: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
BEDEVERE: Er,...but you are dressed as one.
WITCH: THEY dressed me up like this.
ALL VILLAGERS: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't!
WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!
(BEDEVERE lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in fact rather small.)
BEDEVERE: Well?
FIRST VILLAGER: Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEVERE: The nose?
FIRST VILLAGER: And the Hat. But she's a witch!
ALL VILLAGERS: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her!
BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?
ALL VILLAGERS: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no...
RANDOM VILLAGER: yes.
ALL VILLAGERS: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit.
FIRST VILLAGER: (hopefully) She has got a wart...
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
SECOND VILLAGER: Well, She turned me into a newt!!
BEDEVERE: (after a pause) a newt?
(Others stare and look at SECOND VILLAGER, who is plainly a human, not a newt.)
SECOND VILLAGER: (Notices the stares. After a pause:) I got better...
VILLAGERS: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER!
BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
(ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest)
ALL VILLAGERS: Are there? There are? What are they? Tell us! Do they hurt?
BEDEVERE: Tell me ... What do you do with witches?
VILLAGERS: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!!
ALL VILLAGERS: Burn them! Burn them! Burn them up!
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
FIRST VILLAGER: More witches!
SECOND VILLAGER: Sh!
THIRD VILLAGER: Wood!
BEDEVERE: So why do witches burn?
(long silence, shuffling of feet by the villagers)
FOURTH VILLAGER: (pianissimo) ... Because they're made of wood...?
BEDEVERE: Goooood!
(PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.)
ALL VILLAGERS: Oh! Oh yeah!
BEDEVERE: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood?
FIRST VILLAGER: Build a bridge out of her!
BEDEVERE: Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
ALL VILLAGERS: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Uhh...
BEDEVERE: Uh, does wood sink in water?
ONE VILLAGER: No! No! No! It floats! It floats!
ANOTHER VILLAGER: Throw her into the pond! The pond!
ALL VILLAGERS: yaaaaaa!
(when order is restored)
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER: Bread!
ANOTHER VILLAGER: Apples!
ANOTHER VILLAGER: Uh...very small rocks!
ANOTHER VILLAGER: Cider!
ANOTHER VILLAGER: Uh...great gravy!
ANOTHER VILLAGER: Cherries!
ANOTHER VILLAGER: Mud!
ANOTHER VILLAGER: Churches! Churches!
ANOTHER VILLAGER: Lead! Lead!
ARTHUR: A duck!
(They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.)
VILLAGERS: (in amazement) ooooooh!
BEDEVERE: exACTly!
BEDEVERE: (to FIRST VILLAGER) So, *logically*...
FIRST VILLAGER: (very slowly, with pauses between each word) If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood.
BEDEVERE: and therefore...
(pause)
FIRST VILLAGER: A Witch!
ALL VILLAGERS: A WITCH!
