Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender looks at says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here"
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender looks at says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here"
Signature by rubah. I think.
WORDS
Three buddies were talking about death and dying. When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would oyu like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man."
The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!"
Ps: This one really cracked me off! Lol
....What??Originally Posted by nik0tine
EoFF
there was a picture here
What did the fish say when he hit his head?
Dam.
What's black and white and is a moderator at EoFF?
A moderator at EoFF wearing something black and white.
Ohohohoho, gut-busting indeed.
How do you keep a turkey in suspence?
A bear walks into a bar, tells the bartender "I'll have a.........beer."
Bartender says "Why the big pause?" (paws)
Wonder how long this one'll last...
A man, feeling down on his luck with the ladies, walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The guy next to him gets up, walks up behind a woman, and says something to her--she turns around, giggles, whispers something in his ear, and they walk out together. So the man's thinking "damn, that guy's good." About an hour later, the man's still sitting there drinking his heartaches down, when the same guy comes back--he comes up to the bar, orders a drink, then walks up behind another lady and says something to her. The lady turns around, giggles, whispers something in his ear, and they walk out together. The first man watches this, amazed. About an hour later, the guy comes back again--again, he walks up to the bar and orders a drink. Before he can go after another lady, the man says something to him.
"Hey," he says. "I watched you with those women before. You're really something. I really have bad luck with women, and I was just wondering...could you help me out? You know, give me some advice?"
So the second guy goes "Sure--just do what I do. Walk up behind a woman you're attracted to and say, softly, 'Tickle your butt with a feather?'"
The man breaks in. "You serious?"
"You bet. Listen, though, you'll see the logic. If the lady turns around and says 'What?' or 'What did you just say to me?' then just say 'Here comes nasty weather!' and walk off. But--and here's the kicker--but, if the woman goes for it--finds it cute or funny or whatever--she'll respond in a more positive manner."
The man understands it, but questions. "So this'll work?"
"Damn right it will. You said you were watching me, right? That's exactly what I do."
The man figures hey, why not, I'll give it a shot. Couldn't work any worse than the lines he's tried before, right? And after watching the other guy, his tactics seem to work well.
So the man picks out a good-looking lady across the bar, and the other guy says "here's your chance--go for it. Remember what to say."
He walks up behind the lady, thinking, and says softly, "Stick a finger up your ass?"
The woman turns around, puzzled. "What'd you say?"
"Rainin' like hell out, ain't it?"
This is one of my favorites.
What's brown and sticky? (SPOILER)A stick!
By replacing 'C' with 'S'.How do you keep a turkey in suspence?
there was a picture here
So this guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and *POOF!* out pops a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes. But beware, whatever you wish for, all the lawyers and politicians in the world will get double."
So the guy pauses for a moment and thinks aloud. "I'm kind of poor...I wish I had a billion dollars." *POOF!* He gets a billion dollars. At that same instant, all the lawyers and politicians in the world get two billion dollars.
"Hmmm...I don't have any good way of getting around...I wish I had a convertible." *POOF!* He gets a convertible. At that same instant, all the lawyers and politicians get two convertibles.
So the guys pauses for a long time, and finally he says, "You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." --Colossians 3:23-24
How many polish men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder steady and another to turn the bulb until it is securely fastened in the socket.
>>> What did Sephiroth say when he killed Aeris..
(SPOILER)OMG Im fat!
Not very funny eh..
>> The black orb glitters ominously... but nothing happens..
So a rabbit and a bear find a lamp in the middle of the forest. They both fight for it, and in the process...*POOF!* out pops a genie. The genie says, "I'll grant each of you 3 wishes."
"Who'll go first?" they ask. They play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" and the bear wins.
"Hmm, let's see," says the bear. "I wish all the bears in this forest, except for me, were females."
*POOF!* All the other bears in the forest were turned into female bears. "Now it's your turn," says the genie to the rabbit.
With hardly any thought, the rabbit yells, "I wish I had a motorcycle!" *POOF!* He gets a motorcycle.
The bear glances over at the rabbit, somewhat puzzled. But he shrugs it off and thinks some more. "Hmm...I wish all the bears in the next forest were females as well." *POOF!* All the bears in the next forest were turned into females.
Almost immediately after the bear's second wish was granted, the rabbit exclaims, "I wish I had a helmet!" *POOF!* He gets a helmet.
The bear stares at the rabbit, thinking What the heck is this dude thinking? Then aloud he says, "You know what? The heck with it...I wish every single bear in the world, except for me, was female!" *POOF!* At that instant, every single bear in the world, save for this bear, was turned into a female.
The rabbit jumps onto his bike, straps on his helmet, and starts up the ignition. He raises one eyebrow at the bear, and shifts the bike into gear. Just before he speeds off into the thick of the woods, he yells at the genie, "I wish the bear was gay!"
nik, the seniors in our house do that every year. I didn't even read it, because I already know what was going to happen. It's even better when it's told, because you get to stop and quiz random people on what color Johnny's hair was, and if they get it wrong, then you start all over. We've had it last 2 hours before.
Bomber, that's funny.
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"John"
"John who?"
"John Smith, your old college friend."
"Hi! Please, come in!"
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