I won $50 at a Rockford (Illinois) Cubbies game when I was a kid. There were seven people and seven colored envelopes, and all had fifty bucks except one with $500. One of the Cubbies' pitchers kept telling me to pick the purple one, but I thought he was just trying to screw with me, so I picked the green one, because green's my favorite color and I figured money is green so hey why not. The purple one had $500 in it. What a dumb kid, huh?

And when I was in second grade, I won one of those guess-the-candy-number things, but some other kid got second place and ended up with half of my stash of Tootsie Roll Pops. Damn kid. He was fat, too, he didn't need 'em. Give 'em to the scrawny kid!

And a couple weeks ago I won a placement in English 150 instead of 101 or 102 with my essay at college orientation! But I guess that's not really winning.