Dear John,
By the time you read this, I'll be blowing your best friend. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a answered prayer to you - especially because you're an emotional cripple. But I'm sorry – I just need freedom. I think you're totally keen, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Leo, and I'm sensitive. You like long walks on the beach, you eat noisily, and enjoy quilting, and I don't like one of these things. Your favorite movie is The Bare Wench Project, and your favorite band is N SYNCH. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "White". Anyway, I want to date the first drunk barfly who'll talk to me. But you know what? I still want to be acquaintances. We can totally live on opposite coasts . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don't worry like last time. That means no clawing your face. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $37,229 you owe me, or the fact that you totaled my car. So take care of yourself - and enjoy prison.
Sincerely,
Chris
P.S. Your box is nasty stank.
Your Dear John, letter here!