You can't be a Jew then O_o
I was born to a Jewish mother, and that alone makes me Jewish, according to Jewish law. Add to that the fact I celebrate the holidays, study the philosophy, books and lore and try my best follow its teachings, know the history, speak the Hebrew language, live in Israel, serve in the Israeli army and have a refined, snide sense of humour... and you'll get the Jewish archi-type. All I need is a kipa, and a belief in God, and I'm set.