8/17/01
12:21 AM
God I feel like crap right now. I haven't felt this bad in quite a while. I don't know how this came about but right now I feel awful. I was in chat but I didn't know what to say. I was looking at anime but I didn't care. That really scared me...I love anime. I mean...I love it. And it was there in front of me...and I didn't care. That just frightened me. Well...I guess I should go through my day, this being a journal and all.
Well I woke up and took the dog out for her morning walk as usual. I came back and I was exhausted from staying up late. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. Mom was yelling but I couldn't hear her. I just tried to sleep through the pain. I woke up at about eleven and got dressed. I ate lunch and came online. Elyse was on and her and I talked for a long time about stuff that was bothering her. Elyse left eventually and then Danni said she wanted to call me for some reason. My wrist was starting to hurt so I got off the internet and talked on the phone with her. I wasn't feeling to great about not being able to help Elyse but Danni helped cheer me up. I came back online and then the pain hit me again. Despite being racked with guilt, I tried to play the ORPG I play. It was just simply depressing. For some reason, everyone ignores my character. I stood there and tried to help people and they all ignored me. That was just not fun. At this point, the combined guilt and sadness had awakened my depression from it's slumber. I looked around for someone to talk to about this but it was too late. The had depression taken over.
I sat here and started to think about things, which is never a good thing for me. I thought about how my life is going nowhere and about how my own mother wishes I was never born. I thought about how all my real life friends abandoned me and about how my sister doesn't care what happens to me. I thought about how my grandma hates me and about how my father's side of the family ignores me. I thought about how no one will ever love me and about how no one will ever want to. I thought about how useless and pathetic I am. I thought about how sick I am of having to fight off all the pain I feel everyday while everyone else I know irl is happy and successful. I thought about how my grades are bad and about how many people have used me before. I thought about the times I tried to kill myself but couldn't even get the knife to my wrists. I thought about everything. My life. Everything that's happened in it. And I came up with one thing from it all.....it's been a waste.
And...it just made me feel so awful...I can't quite describe it. It feels like I have to cry...I want to cry, oh god, how I want to...to be able to get rid of the pain....but I can't. I tried...I can't do it. So here I am, sitting at my computer in the soft glow of the screen, listening to the hum of the computer....thinking about why I shouldn't do something stupid to myself. Luckily, I know that doing something stupid IS stupid so I'm not going to do it. But the sad thing...I can't come up with any reasons not to. I can't think of a reason not to take a knife and cut a part of my flesh. I can't right now. I just can't. I can't come up with any reasons as to why I shouldn't hurt myself right now...except for the fact that I know that if I wasn't depressed, I'd think it was stupid. But I am depressed....I...I don't know...I just feel so awful right now....I don't know...I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of being useless. I'm just sick of it...I'm sick of being depressed...*Sigh* I'm tired....so very tired....