August 9, 2001 - 12:53 PM CST

I'm supposed to be at work right now. I got home a little while ago. My supervisor sent me home after a half day because I was basically caught up with everything, and she thought I looked rather ill and dead on my feet.

I think it's accumulated sleep deprivation and mental stress; which are almost the same problem, it's the stress which keeps me from sleeping. Yes, I don't go to bed until rather late, but I don't need more than 6 hours to feel completely refreshed. I've been clocking 2 or 3 hours of sleep all week, and that isn't enough for me to be fully functional at work.

Last night, I was online until 2:30 AM... my goal was to be in bed by one, but I had two pretty intense conversations going, that I couldn't leave. Finally, one had dwindled, and the other one just pissed me off, so I left.

One of those conversations with with an ex of mine... the first man I ever loved, and who loved me in return. He and I have been talking again for a while now, since May; we broke up early last Fall. Last night, he tried talking to me, but I wasn't really talking back, because I was talking to a lot of people, and I was just in a rather un-hyperactive mood. I tried telling him about my life now, what's new for me, what's old for me, how I'm doing... and he snapped and started saying very hateful things to me, malicious lies that really, deeply wounded me.

I guess that means we aren't friends anymore.

Now I'm home, and supposed to be 'resting', but I can't sleep in broad daylight. Maybe if the storms come, it'll be dark enough with cloud cover for me to sleep.

My moods have been swinging to dramatically, I almost feel manic-depressive. It seems to vary with the level of thinking I do. Right now, I'm not really in a good or bad mood, I'm too tired, I'm just kind of here, I guess. All in all, though, life is pretty good for me at this point.

The only other thing weighing on my mind, is that August 22nd I have my regular 4-month checkup with my oncologist, and my regular 8-month CT scan. I always start to worry, or more accurately, get terrified, as my appointments get closer. Suddenly I start getting 'symptoms', and I am usually rather anxious until it's over. With how run down I've been lately, I can only hope it's only because of my trouble sleeping. I really don't want to be sick again. Heck, my schedule's far too full for cancer. I do have my priorities.

Ahh, I've rambled a long time here, but I think that's rather the point. I'll stop anyway.

~Becky