The Journal Thread (August)

[Alixsar]

8/17/01
12:21 AM

God I feel like crap right now. I haven't felt this bad in quite a while. I don't know how this came about but right now I feel awful. I was in chat but I didn't know what to say. I was looking at anime but I didn't care. That really scared me...I love anime. I mean...I love it. And it was there in front of me...and I didn't care. That just frightened me. Well...I guess I should go through my day, this being a journal and all.

Well I woke up and took the dog out for her morning walk as usual. I came back and I was exhausted from staying up late. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. Mom was yelling but I couldn't hear her. I just tried to sleep through the pain. I woke up at about eleven and got dressed. I ate lunch and came online. Elyse was on and her and I talked for a long time about stuff that was bothering her. Elyse left eventually and then Danni said she wanted to call me for some reason. My wrist was starting to hurt so I got off the internet and talked on the phone with her. I wasn't feeling to great about not being able to help Elyse but Danni helped cheer me up. I came back online and then the pain hit me again. Despite being racked with guilt, I tried to play the ORPG I play. It was just simply depressing. For some reason, everyone ignores my character. I stood there and tried to help people and they all ignored me. That was just not fun. At this point, the combined guilt and sadness had awakened my depression from it's slumber. I looked around for someone to talk to about this but it was too late. The had depression taken over.

I sat here and started to think about things, which is never a good thing for me. I thought about how my life is going nowhere and about how my own mother wishes I was never born. I thought about how all my real life friends abandoned me and about how my sister doesn't care what happens to me. I thought about how my grandma hates me and about how my father's side of the family ignores me. I thought about how no one will ever love me and about how no one will ever want to. I thought about how useless and pathetic I am. I thought about how sick I am of having to fight off all the pain I feel everyday while everyone else I know irl is happy and successful. I thought about how my grades are bad and about how many people have used me before. I thought about the times I tried to kill myself but couldn't even get the knife to my wrists. I thought about everything. My life. Everything that's happened in it. And I came up with one thing from it all.....it's been a waste.

And...it just made me feel so awful...I can't quite describe it. It feels like I have to cry...I want to cry, oh god, how I want to...to be able to get rid of the pain....but I can't. I tried...I can't do it. So here I am, sitting at my computer in the soft glow of the screen, listening to the hum of the computer....thinking about why I shouldn't do something stupid to myself. Luckily, I know that doing something stupid IS stupid so I'm not going to do it. But the sad thing...I can't come up with any reasons not to. I can't think of a reason not to take a knife and cut a part of my flesh. I can't right now. I just can't. I can't come up with any reasons as to why I shouldn't hurt myself right now...except for the fact that I know that if I wasn't depressed, I'd think it was stupid. But I am depressed....I...I don't know...I just feel so awful right now....I don't know...I'm tired of being alone and I'm tired of being useless. I'm just sick of it...I'm sick of being depressed...*Sigh* I'm tired....so very tired....

[bossker]

August 17th
1:19 AM

Well if there was ever a text book example of an entire wasted day, my day would be it. I have more than enough work to do before school starts (on the 20th) but for the last 24 hours i've done NOTHING worthwile, ive contributed NOTHING to the world. I woke up at 1:15 pm, (I was working/playing/reading till 5am the day before) and after I woke up i just kind of lounged in my room. About an hour later I got ready and went downstairs. I looked around the kitchen, poured myself some cereal for breakfast (heh, at like 2:30) and ate it. Then I just sort of looked at my AP books for half an hour. They weren't open, I was staring at the covers . Then I came online and posted a little. Lounged a little. I tried to load up Word and do work...what i ended up doing was going on diablo II...was EXTREMELY boring, I got off as fast as I got on. I sort of sat in my chair, staring at the screen doing absolutely nothing. Then got up, and commuted to my parents room to watch TV in their room. Watched some TV, flipped through the channels and just kind of sat there. My mom told me to do various things but I wasn't really in the mood. I went to my bros room and kind of sat around (nobody really goes in there except him and he's rarely home anyways). I vaguely recall eating something, but it wasn't dinner with my family. I went back to watching TV and then when I was done with that, I got online and typed up something about a wasted day of life. I had 0 fun. I did nothing productive. I did nothing enjoyable. Nothing that helped me or anyone else in any way, shape, or form. Im pretty sure i'm ready for school to start. I'm ready for some structure again (and a chance to see ALL my amigos regularly).

[Loony BoB]

Why is it that the day always goes well, then ends like utter crap? My day was going perfectly. Woke up at 5am and did my Geo assignment that was due today. Did that for a lot of the day. Still happy, coz Stu, Shatila, Nicky and I were being really stupid about it, pretty much. Heh.

Then I chat to people who make me feel cool, and whatnot.

But when I get home, I find out ANOTHER breakup has happened in the last month. There have been around eight of my best friends, all involved in breakups. And me too... but the thing is, I've never known this friend without her boyfriend, so I don't know what to do. I feel like I've gotta play the guy-who-takes-care-while-she-gets-over-the-boyfriend, coz I'm the only guy who she knows that can do that for her. But... I dunno, it's just so hard, so awkward.

And just now, I find out that Em had a dream, coz I always ask. What about? Her boyfriend. God, that hurts every time... Why does it? I wish it didn't.

[Calliope]

nope. scratch that. today officially sucks. no question about it. and with all the stuff and things, the most annoying thing of all is that i'm still thinking. miss america, picks up the telephone, into another home, don't ask me why...here is here and i am here, where are you? far away, far away...

[Silverlocke]

This is basically an excuse for me to dump a bit here, but whadyagonnado...I don't think happy people write in diaries...at least...not frequently.
By that logic, it's a good thing I don't write in a diary frequently Come to think of it, I usually am happy nowadays...I'd really hate to lose that.

I've been unsure of myself and my own abilities the last few days. I've turned into a perfectionist of myself, and it's not good.
I've become unsure that my irl friends are really the best friends for me. I'm losing most of my interest in speaking to my online friends, with only a couple exceptions. I'm doubting whether I'll really be able to find work in a field I really enjoy. My interests change so often...already I'm gonna have to change some of my courses next year. I'm doubting my ability to be truly loved again, and I'm starting to lose my perspective, which I've fought so hard for. I look at everything I've done to change myself and make myself a better person, and in the end all that's seemed to come out of it is that I'll be hurting others and getting hurt myself.

I've written a lot of poems lately, which isn't a good sign, and they haven't been happy poems like most of the ones I've posted, either. I haven't had much interest in speaking to anyone, family or friends, and I getthe feeling I'm losing myself...I know I can find myself again, but I'm not so sure I will at the moment.

Ugh...my mom's getting the date for her surgery next week...I haven't had a decent conversation with her in so long....I've pretty mch desensitized myself to her completely, and that makes me pretty sad...I feel pretty sad right now...walking is kinda difficult.

I'm getting those feelings of regret again...like I've just complicated matters. Oddly enough, of all the people online I've mostly ignored, I'm really enjoying talking to Daniel...But all of these recent breakups are starting to get to me, because I feel kinda like I'm losing people to talk to, although I'm the one who's broke off contact. I think I should remeet a few people. But I don't want to right now...

I hate it when people act like I'm acting right now
...I'm just not sure what'll be there to cheer me up this time.

~~Silverlocke

[Dee]

8-17-01

Yes!!!! Finally a weekend. School started this week, and I absolutely adore it. Something to do!! Phew, now that the bore of summer has ended, I have loads of homework and the lot. Now I wish it was summer again..... how my mood changes from time to time.

[Jewels]

August 18th 2001

Today has been a strange day. Just feels empty. Yesterday was even worse when the tragedy finally hit me. Made me think a lot about why he did it and how I can sort of understand him. There are going to be so many tears today and just so much hurt and pain from his real close family. I never really knew he was my actual cousin. Why do these things happen?! Just makes you realise how much pain people can be in. Oh well, I'll get through this.

[Britt]

I feel like Hell.

Last night wasn't fun, at all. I feel at fault for the crap another person is dealing with, and I wish he wouldn't have to deal with my petty issues. He knows who he is, and he knows how much I appreciate him, though.

I got up at 6 AM this morning- due at work at 6:30AM, as always. In my last hour of working (I work 8 hours a day.) I felt as though I was flat out going to die. This.. feeling swept over me and I almost called someone to take over for me so I could sit down. I can't really take all this stress being dumped on me, anymore. People all around me are hurting because of me, I'm wrestling with my own problems, I'm suddenly being striken by some inexplicable exhaustion, and for the first time in my life I feel genuinely defeated. I wish it would just stop. I want to just stop dealing with all this crap going on around me. I'm so terribly tired of people relying on me for this and that. People are expect too much of me, these days, and it's simply incredible. Of all the people to expect a lot of, they expect a lot of the selfish, cynical snob. Go figure.

[Rainecloud]

18-8-01:

I can sympathise with Britt on this one. I've only just started work, and I'm already I'm beginning to feel the pressure. Britt...you need to let your bosses know how you feel about all this pressure you're under. Perhaps they'll give you some time of to recover. I've had exactly the same experience as you in work...you get up, and everyone immediately pesters you for things. Sometimes you feel like you have a ten ton weight implanted into your spinal cord...or something like that.

Well, if you're a good worker...people rely on you too much, instead of getting the job done themselves.

In my case, people are confusing my hard work with ambition. I'm not overly ambitious, and I'm happy where I am in my job...and I'd like to stay where I am.

-------------------------------

After reading Leknaat's post, I'm inclined to Re-install Unreal Tourmanent...but that means downloading all the voicepacks, skins and models again, which would take the best part of a day with my pathetic modem. I need a new connection...fast! Unfortunately, faster connections are still ludicrously expensive here in the UK, and I'm not willing to give up half my wage each month in order to download some files a bit quicker. I'm paying for a modem, what some of you americans are paying for cable. I hate my country sometimes. The phrase: "Rip-Off Britain" springs to mind.

Oh, and this post is the 100th post in this forum...not that it matters.

[Alixsar]

8/18/01
Too frickin early AM

Ugh.

Well, with that out of the way, let's get to business. I woke up, walked the dog, and then slept. That was all well and good. I woke up at 9:30 (aka too early) so I slept so more. I woke up at 11 but I didnt want to get out of bed so I sat there and thought about stuff. I was dressed by noon, and came online. I talked to Elyse for a bit and ate my lunch (at the same time too, aren't I speshul?) Anyways, mom came home from work and I went upstairs and played Nintendo just cuz. After that I watched anime, walked the doggie, ate dinner, and watched a little tv. Then I went online..I talked to Britt and played my ORPG but mom was yelling at me to get off so I watched tv for a bit. Then I came back ehre, played my ORPG and now I'm here. All in all, a boring day. But it's summer so that's ok. *Shrugs* I have a headache. *mutters*

[Britt]

Originally posted by Rainecloud
I can sympathise with Britt on this one. I've only just started work, and I'm already I'm beginning to feel the pressure. Britt...you need to let your bosses know how you feel about all this pressure you're under.

Heh heh heh.. you misunderstand. I adore my job- however, this stress being thrown at me by parties who remain annoymous is annoying me- part of the reason it annoys me is because they bear little regard for my own life. Part of the reason I respect the person I do is because THEY care about how I feel, and in turn feel pain because of me. The annoyance of this hinders my performance at things I do (like work) which is why I seek to eliminate the problem straight away. But don't worry about me.

_________

08/18/01

I don't feel bad, anymore. As anyone who knows me well can attest, things only bother me briefly- my cynical nature shining through. On the other hand, the problem still exists, but I've come to terms with it existing and move on.

[Chickencha]

8-18-01

I woke up around 9:30 and realized that I had fallen asleep last night while waiting for my parents to go to bed so I could sneak downstairs and stay up longer. I shrugged it off, took a shower, got dressed, and talked on IRC for about an hour before work. I put on my uniform and stuff around 10:45 and got to work about 5 minutes early. I actually wasn't supposed to be there, but I was working for a friend who had soccer practice. I needed the hours and owed him a few days anyway. Work went fine. It wasn't extremely busy, but busy enough to keep us from losing our minds to boredom. I got off a little late since there was a sudden rush of customers around 2:00, when I got off. I ended up getting off at about 2:20, but that's okay. I'm working for another guy tomorrow. I'm in a fairly decent mood.

I just thought this thread needed journal entry that wasn't depressing...

[Endless]

(Just to comfort Cha... I'll make a non depressive post too)

Wow, I haven't posted since 8/13...

Week days
Work. *g* If you call that work.
8/15
Public Holiday
8/18
Went to see FF: TSW. Great movie.

All around
Chatted with my girlfriend.
She called me on phone again. ^_^
I'm happy, in high cotton.
I'm finishing my preparations to fly over the ocean...

[Emerald Aeris]

08.18.01

God, I'm tired.
I was semi-sick yesterday, but I decided to go to my friend's Abby's party/sleepover anyway. Played Nightmare, watched Storm of the Century, and ate party food. I almost fell asleep during SotC on the couch. T_T I was damn tired. The movie didn't end until 3:30 AM, and I didn't get to sleep until about 4:00. Hence why I'm so very tired. I haven't slept well in weeks either..

Man, my brain feels very, very jumbled. *sighs* Sometimes things just feel so complex, don't they? I guess I'm being hypocritical though because I tend to complicate things while trying to fix them. Everyone tells me I think too much... That's probably why everything seems so complex to me.

Lately I feel like everything I touch turns bad. I try to make things better, when they only get significantly worse. I really lack skills in problem solving, apparently. >_<

I've found I've been feeling quite apathetic lately, and frankly, I don't really care. Well... Maybe that's simply because I'm apathetic now.. Oh well. No one would notice anyway, even if I didn't feign happiness, so what does it really matter?

My, I'm in a good mood today, aren't I? Er, sorry for adding to the depressive posts in this thread.

[Leknaat V]

I have the sudden urge to be somewhere where gravity is a lot stronger than it is now. I don't know why. Not strong enough to hurt, just strong enough to make me work to walk.

Erm, anyway... today was the fair in my crappy little village. And I didn't go, of course. That kind of fair sickens me. It really does. The village where I live.... a fair... a horrible combination. There were floats, there was pop music, there were stupid fair-type things. And, of course... there were a lot of people. Ugh.
So, me and my friends just hang out. I wasn't exactly in a happy mood. I had a serious talk with one of them, which was refreshing. I was in the mood for it. Well, I was mostly listening, I can't share my feelings with anyone, not even my friends. Anyway, we were just sitting around a playground, no-one was there apart from us because everyone was at the... fair... ugh. Eventually, they left on their bikes to chase the parade and hurl abuse at them (?), so, I just wandered back home without saying goodbye or anything, but I don't really care. I sometimes wonder why they bother with me. I mean...really. I'm not very funny, I don't do any of the more daring things that they do, I think I'm probably selfish without realising it, and I'm not the least goofy person around. I seem to be really clumsy too. Sometimes I wish they'd just give up on me. Leave me alone. But they wouldn't, unless I really changed. But why does anyone like me? I hate myself. I really do. I can't look in the mirror without shuddering. I have no talents. I...well, it's hard to describe how I feel about myself, so I won't keep rambling on. Man, i've lost the plot now. What was I talking about?

Er, nevermind.


Oh, and Rainecloud, you know you want to install UT again. Come on. You can come online with it and give me a royal beating! I'm terrible, honest.