Oooh,
we're all so messed up! Which is weird. 26. elokuuta, 2001. Well, I knew the world wasn't any different but for once... just for once I let my spirit guide me. I didn't want everybody to know how much I'd been watcing them although they clearly know nothing of me. And it turned out a mess. Oh well. I'll never do it again. I hope. I hate myself for being so weak. I'm always waiting for something to happen but it never does. Love does not exist. It's just an illusion.
26.8.01
23:00
I'm tired. I need some sleep. It's too hot.
I love my girlfriend.
The week-end wasn't great nor bad.
I have to work from tomorrow for my exams. That sux0rs.
And then there is Death
08.26.01
It's hot. I'm tired. I feel gross. Bleh.
Ah well. I'm going back into work, tomorrow, which is why I should cherish today.
I hate Sundays. I always feel terrible on Sundays. It's almost like the cheer and holiness generally associated with Sundays makes me sick. xD Which would make sense.
08.26.01
Wow, a lot sure has happened since I last posted, and, of course, I came out having nothing. Business as usual.
Went to a party last night. Not very many people came.. 2 couples. That also reminded me of something: I'm the only single one out of my friends. Oh, yay. What perfect timing for someone to throw that in my face. I had convinced myself that I was okay, but today was a reminder that I'm not. I still cry every time I here "I Will Remember You" by Sarah Mclachlan.
I got told I annoy people today. Yeah, like I need to deal with that right now.. Oh well, I have to anyway. Sometimes I wonder if people think about how their actions effect people at all. I'm thinking no.
I've decided to go back into swimming. It's a good way to get out frustractions, for me at least. Not this summer though, maybe next, or in the winter. I haven't quite decided. It doesn't make much difference though. The world doesn't stop for the broken hearted, no matter how much you want it to.
August 26, 2001 7:40pm
Useless.. completely.. that's the way i'm going to start out tonite because that's how i feel. I've tried to do so many things today, and nothing has seemed to turn out right. It's like no matter how much i care, and no mater how much i listen and try to help it just doesn't do a damned thing. I was talking to one of my best friends tonite because something was bothering them a lot. We got into a discussion about why these things are bothering them and all of a sudden they got angry with me and left. I was hurt by it, and quite honestly felt like i was going to cry. That's just part of what's bothering me. i just feel as if nothing i do is good enough anymore.. *sighs*
The only stars in my sky are the ones i haven't let fall down yet.
Haha!
Haha I was listening to the radio to Rick Dees(sp) and it is Eve and Gwen Stafani and it says "Drop your glasses shake your" and then it has a sound effect going oooh! Haha That's funny! Well going into 7th grade woo woo! lol Well yea I am not excited hehe! Ugh Hohum! Back track think back E-V-E! Hehe sorry...DOn't eat the PIZZA!!! Hahaha!!!
I love the stars. I found an anchor consellation and I always love to close my eyes and tink under 'em I hear tonight it is gonna be cold so I'll take out a blanky and pillow and maybe some hot coco mmm.... I love to think of stuff like after death and if there may be another or someptin hmmmm.... Makes you think... Well gotta go luvies!
8.27.01 12:05 A.M.
Today's my last day of freedom before school starts. Summer was really fun, and I got to do things I can't do during shcool. I'm starting at HS this year, and the place looks fun. I've changed a lot, and so have my friends, and I've had a great summer. It seems like only yesterday I was so happy to get out of school. Oh well, maybe I should go to sleep sometime in the next four hours.
Grab the opportunities life hands you, that's my motto!
August 27, 2001 1:08am
damn live journal is still down.gawd.. and i really needed to write in that today too. *sighs*
anyways.. not feeling much better than i was before. I guess i'm a bit cheered up, jon's been talking to me and it's helped a little bit, but i'm still being sooo cynical and bitchy and i don;t know why it's happening.
I feel myself pulling back into myself and becoming less able to talk to people about what's bothering me. I was just starting to open up too.. *sighs* i spose lack of people to talk to when you're upset will do that to you. My introversion bothers me a lot tho. I always have so much inside that i don;t know how to deal with, but lately it seems like there's only been one or two people that i can talk to and I feel as tho i've been burdeing them. I can't do that any longer, and i can't just talk openly about what's ailing me to just anyone, i'm not open like that.
The only stars in my sky are the ones i haven't let fall down yet.
09/27/01
2:54 am
Headaches and tears flood me once again.
It's my fault as usual though.
I get so over-emotional, bah.
I should go to bed, but I chose to stay until I just drop.
This way, I'm insured a nice long sleep.
I miss the way my bed used to feel.
Those nights I didn't toss or turn and wake up.
Those nights I woke up with a smile.
Am I fading? Am I falling? Can you see me? I feel so...invisible. Today I'm so unlcuky and it's just been bad all together.
I feel like I'm floating in deep cold waters. I can feel the coldness wrap around me like snakes slithering. The waters are never ending and I just float there, my arms wide open. It's like I try to move and only my finger tips cringe. It's my own crucifitcion.
I've been haunted even in my dreams for the past few days. I never wanted to tell anyone this... but I just felt like it right now. Everything is wearing me down, my seams are being torn apart bit by bit. I'm so hyper-sensative... nothing can be said with out hitting one of my many hidden wounds.
I don't mean to be so depressive.. I jsut can't help it. I don't mean to be so dark... but I just can't see a light. Maybe I'm not looking. I care for so many people... but I just hurt them, even though it's unintentional.
I'll be better. I promise that much...just give me time.
Smile everyone. ^_^
Always take care. You're all very dear, and Scott: I love you.
August 27, 2001 3:00AM
Alot of people are having family problems here...it is depressing.
My parents divorced 1 year ago in a few days. At first, I was sadened, then...as I was moving...I became happier
I, like alot of you, cannot standmy father at some points...once in a while I am actually happy to see him.
But a few months ago...I can't remember why...my dad had me pined down for some reason...we actually fought...I kicked him off me...he came after me...I still just beat him away...he knows I am stronger than him
although you wouldnt know it by looking at us...
I was bad...just fighting...
And before school ended in June...about May or so...
my mother and I were fighting everyday...arguing, screaming and hitting (I have never hit her and never will, I love my mom)...I just hit the house...
One day she told me that I couldn't see my g/f until exams were over...
that night, late....I took a razor and carved into my arm, chest and other arm... one was a "KT" (Katie:Her name)
the scar is still there.
Me and my mom have since stopped fighting and the blades are all gone to the landfill by now...
But found out...that my mom is in debt....next year will be better, but now it's bad....
later all....if you want to...PM me...(dunno why tho)
Heh... It's really not the big deal people make it out to be... My family's been in debt for half of my life. I'm sure things will work out for you guys.Originally posted by Gotenks
But found out...that my mom is in debt....next year will be better, but now it's bad....
08.27.01
__________________
I have come to the conclusion that if there is a God, this is his cruel, twisted way of punishing the heretics. Unless some miracle occurs, Angela and I won't be together anytime soon. I was up until about 1 in the morning (A fairly unwise choice, seeing as how I'm due to work at 6:45- I got up at 5:50.) simply rolling around in a near-delirium. Trapped by the darkness around me- held back from the world.
All I know is that things will work out, eventually, given time. I know that. Time is so slow and cruel, though. For the first time in my life, doors seem to be opening. I feel as though High School will never end- it hasn't even began, yet. All I know is that I want to be with Angela.
Originally posted by Britt
All I know is that things will work out, eventually, given time. I know that. Time is so slow and cruel, though. For the first time in my life, doors seem to be opening. I feel as though High School will never end- it hasn't even began, yet. All I know is that I want to be with Angela.
You have to be patient. I know what I'm talking about, considering the fact that my girlfriend lives on the other side of the bad move we call Atlantic Ocean. I know that 4 months left (minus 1 day) are between us, until I meet her. You're still "young" and you'll realize that time runs faster then you can expect it. I hope things will work for you as soon as possible, until then, you have to keep hope.
27.8.01
After lunch.
I chatted with my girlfriend this morning. She was tired and a bit angry, because someone told her he'd help her to move stuff from her appartement to her dorm, and he finally didn't show out. Yesterday was her birthday, and she was a bit sad, because people keep forgetting to wish her. It seems that I am the only one who told her with voice (I called her).
Now she has moved her comp and realized that the campus has a BAD connection, making impossible for her to connect for now. I don't know how long she won't be able to connect. I know she might call me though.
I have to work for my exams. Meh. I hate it.
And I have to finish that database prog soon. Meh.
The positive thing with this summer is that by failing to get a job in Japan in French ambassy, I really get to know some people, a special someone in particular.
that's more than enough to save this summer.
And then there is Death
27.8.01:
Hmm. Boredom and more boredom. I was looking forward to this bank holiday, and it's turned out to be a boring mess. I have absolutely nothing to do, nobody is on chat and all my relatives are out.
Bank Holidays...the roads are clogged, the weather is far too hot and no shops are open. There is absolutely Nothing to do! I'd rather be at work, and I never thought I'd say that.
Going out for a meal tonight. It's going to be quite special. I think it will be the highlight of the day. At least I'm getting paid from work for doing absolutely nothing.
"As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless,
uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?"
August 27, 2001 12:01 PM
Classes began today. I remember I always used to be nervous about going back to school the first day. But I wasn't this year. I'm glad I finally learned not to be nervous about that sort of thing. Too bad it took me 13 years of public school + 2 years of college to learn it, though. It could've come in handy in the past.
This thread is mightily depressing. So I'm making a point of not typing anything sad myself. I'm trying to learn how not to dwell on problems, especially problems that don't have a solution. The problems will still be there whether you sit around thinking about them or not.
I'm sitting here by myself in my room, and my roommates are all at class. Mostly everyone in my building is in class, I think. Everything is so quiet. Everything seems really surreal in a way. I like times like this. I can just sit here and let time pass me by.
August 27, 2001 1:00 p.m.
Well, I'm at work right now taking my lunch. I've been feeling really strange today. Melancholy almost. It's a payroll week so I am having to rush to meet the deadline.
Marlaina and I have been reading this book called Boundaries. I am learning so much about how even I have not set proper boundaries. I know I've set some, but I realize that some of my thinking and actions are enmeshed. It's something that can't be fixed overnight, but I know eventually I'll be emotionally healthy again.
I just hope Marlaina and I can get past this last year. I hope that we will be able to laugh everday, one day. Our bonds have grown so strong over this past hear, and I only hope it continues to grow.
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