Originally Posted by
lemur
Group G
England
Mediocre Scandinavian/Central European Nation
Young African Upstarts
South American Team with two good players.
In the first game, England will be unconvincing against the european nation. Joe Cole will be booked early on, and the other team will get a penalty appeal turned down before the half-hour mark. It'll be 0-0 at half time, with much shakey-headness from Alan Hansen and Random German Guest Pundit. The second half begins with England looking better, and they'll score through a Frank Lampard finish. Owen will miss a good chance, Rooney will hit the post with a thirty-yarder, whilst the Scandinavian/Central European team's best player (an experienced midfielder who used to play for a top Premiership/Serie A side and now plays for an average Premiership side, or a French league team) almost scores as Rio Ferdinand loses concentration. At 75 minutes England will be absorbing a lot of pressure, and so Sven Goran Errikson will replace Joe Cole with Owen Hargreaves. With five minutes to go, an unknown substitute (a fairly decent player from the country's national league) will get behind the defence and finish past Paul Robinson. Peter Crouch will come on for Gary Neville and will have no impact whatsoever. The final score will be 1-1.
The media will be campaigning for Erikkson's sacking. They'll state that Lampard and/or Gerrard should be dropped in favour of Jermaine Jenas. They'll also be questioning why Everton's new 15-goal striker Lee Trundle wasn't in the squad ahead of Crouch or Defoe.
Match two will be England Vs South American Team With Two Good Players. Before the match, Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen will be discussing the quality of these two decent players (one of them is probably on the books of an under-performing Serie A team, the other will be the star striker for a decent German side) and saying how Terry and Ferdinand will have to be on top form to stop them. The two decent players will, however, fail to make any impact on the game. England will be two up at half-time thanks to an Owen finish and long range effort from Stevie Gerrard. Joe Cole will be booked for a needless challenge and will miss the next game. Beckham will be booked too, along with about six players from the South American side. With England 2-0 up and cruising, Sven will take off Steven Gerrard and replace him with Owen Hargreaves. Ledley King will replace Frank Lampard on 80 minutes, with Campbell on for Ferdinand on 85 minutes. England will win 2-0, but not before the South American side create a half decent chance which Robinson will save comfortably.
Going into the final game, the media and the players will be confident about beating the Young African Upstarts. Joe Cole will be threatened with public flogging for earning a suspension. Jermaine Jenas will be hotly tipped to replace him, but it'll be Ledley King who gets the nod to have another go in defensive midfield. A win will see England through as group winners, a draw will probably see them through in second place.
The match against the Young African Upstarts will begin with neither side making any headway whatsoever, until one of the decent players from the african side (these decent players will play in the french/dutch/portuguese/english leagues, depending on which was the nation's 19th century collonial oppressor) scores after a goalmouth scramble. Half-time will see the pundits trying to say positive things, but coming accross as frightened rabbits. Alan Hansen looks faintly bored with the whole thing. Ian Wright will get into an argument with Random German Guest Pundit over the result of the game. Wright will be angry that the German has not predicted a 7-1 win for England. Alan Hansen says England will win 2-1. After the break, Wayne Rooney beats two sub-standard African players and rifles in a low shot from 25 yards for 1-1. England will keep attacking, but their forays into the opposition's box will be fruitless. With time running out and qualification still unsure, Sven's tactic will be to bring on Owen Hargreaves. Whether Hargreaves has an impact or not is questionable, but either way, Beckham will force a save out of the goalie with a long, curling effort, the goalie will drop it, and Owen will be on hand to sweep the ball into the goal. The game will finish 2-1.
Despite being painfully average, the odds on an England World Cup victory will drop dramatically, especially when they realise that England will be playing the United States in the second round. The U.S. will have been playing half-decent football in the tournament, although nobody will have been watching them. Their group will have included a top south-american nation who will have beaten them 3-0, but wins against an under-powered middle-eastern team and a former eastern-bloc country will see them through. The media will be confident, mocking the Americans with jibes about cheeseburgers, the alamo, pearl harbour and their penchant for turning up late in world wars. The Sun will superimpose Tim Howard's face on sloth for no apparent reason.
England will be impressive against the americans, and will roar into a two-goal lead at half-time through a John Terry header and a Steven Gerrard volley. Everbody will be excited at half-time, with Ian Wright stating how England will win the entire thing. However, the United States will score early in the second half after a mistake by Ashley Cole. England will take control of the game again and bring two decent saves out of Tim Howard. As the game wears on, The United States will get themselves back into the game and start to attack England, creating a couple of gut-turning chances but missing them. Owen Hargreaves will come be brought on with fifteen minutes left. Just as Sven is telling Campbell and King to warm up, Gerrard, Lampard and Beckham work out a fantastic passing move on a break, Gerrard will flick the ball through the defence for Wayne Rooney who hits it low past the goalie. Sven relaxes. Jenas replaces Lampard, Campbell replaces Ferdinand. England will make the win safe after Rooney gets brought down in the box and Beckham scores the penalty.
The 4-1 win will spark a media frenzy. Sven is treated as a god in The Sun, Rooney will be photoshopped to look like Jesus in The Star. Holland will beat Mexico 2-0 in their second round game, and will thus go through to meet England. Alan Shearer and Teddy Sheringham are interviewed by every television station in the country, with both players appearing as pundits on the BBC or ITV. Ronald Koeman predicts a 3-0 win for Holland, Edgar Davids predicts a 3-0 win for England. Alan Hansen thinks England will scrape through, while Ian Wright declares that Holland will be beaten 9-0.
The match will begin with England taking the initiative and creating a couple of chances. Gerrard will force a great save from Van Der Sar, Ferdinand will miss a header. Ruud Van Nistelrooy will miss a sitter at the other end. On thirty minutes, David Beckham will be brought down on the edge of the box and hurt his ankle. Was it a penalty? Was it a red card offence? Not according to the referee. Beckham will be stretchered off, Jermaine Jenas will replace him. John Terry will get the captain's armband.
Gerrard will hit the top of the bar with the free-kick, and England will keep attacking, with Joe Cole coming closest with a volley. However, the score will remain 0-0 at half time. Holland have the better of the second half, with Arjen Robben creating a great chance for Van Nistelrooy to spoon over the bar. With twenty minutes left and the game still at 0-0, Erikkson will play his first card by replacing Joe Cole with Owen Hargreaves. Hargreaves will pass the ball sideways a few times before the referee blows his whistle and we go into extra time.
In extra time, Campbell will have a header disallowed for a push, Van Nistelrooy will have a goal disallowed for offside, Rooney will hit the post, Robben will miss a header from close range. With 120 minutes on the clock, Sven brings on Peter Crouch for Gary Neville just in time for the final whistle. Penalty Shoot Out.
Lampard scores. Seedorf scores. Rooney scores. Makaay scores. Owen scores. Van Nistelrooy scores. Terry scores. Van Der Vaart misses. Everyone gets excited. Jenas hits the post, Van Bronckhorst scores.
Sudden death. Gerrard scores, Robben scores, Crouch hits Van Der Sar's legs, Cocu scores.
England are knocked out. The media critisize Sven for being bald. The F.A. sack him for the same reason. Peter Crouch gets transferred to Leicester City and never plays for England again.
World Cup draw tomorrow
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