Originally Posted by
Old Manus
I got lost once as a child inside Tesco. I was 9 years old and asked my supervising parent if I could go and look at the magazine aisle to look at the review in PS1 magazine for Pax Corpus (which, of course, would be a very interesting story). After affirmation from my supervising parent, I headed down to the magazine section and instantly went for the top shelf by climbing up onto the second shelf. Suddenly a man grabbed my hand and said "What are you doing, boy?"
I started to panic, but the man took me behind the counter into the back room for a quiet word about adult magazines. I struggled and accidentally tripped over a box of prototype Jelly Babies and fell backwards through the fire exit and landed in the back of a truck. Temporarily dazed, I didn't see the driver shut the back door on me (and neither did he see me, in broad daylight - truck drivers). After shouting for help and hearing no answer I sat down to simply wait for the man to open the door again. Observing my surroundings, I realised it was full of feather cushions from Egypt. Before I could get angry about the possibly unhealthy working conditions in Egyptian cushion sweatshops, the engine started and we drove away. To put it simply, I was in deep [img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img].
After calling into the cockpit as loud as I could for the thick end of 10 minutes, I realised that the driver was listening to Coldplay very loudly on the radio so came to the assumption that he thought my cries for help was simply Chris Martin in full flow. So I gave up the attempt and just hoped that he would only stop a couple of miles away. I turned on my phone and, after about half an hour, had it concrete in my brain that Snake is a crap game no matter what phone it is on and what version it is. I fell asleep inside a bag full of cushions.
I woke up to the sound of my phone beeping to tell me my battery had run out. After crawling out of the bag I was sleeping in, I realised that I was in the cargo area of an aeroplane. Feeling completely freaked out, I climbed back into the bag, because it was freezing. After about an hour, the plane came to land and I was hauled out and thrown into a baggage handler truck, causing great pain, even with the cushions (after this experience, I have never liked those people who take luggage out of a plane - they want to cause as much damage as possible. Next time you see on, look into their shifty eyes and you can tell that they secretly support Al Quaeda and give them plane times).
Still not knowing where on earth I was, I found myself travelling in another truck. Nothing much to say here, as nothing much happened. When the door was opened about 40 minutes later, I took my chance and dived out of the door and onto the...sand. After a lot of wtf'ing, I looked around me and found that I was about 1000 yards away from the Great Pyramid in Egypt. I was sure it must have been a joke, but when I asked the turbaned man who had been driving the truck (who luckily spoke perfect english after studying it in cambridge), he confirmed where I was. After briefly thinking that I should really take a picture of the pyramid with my phone (it's something to show the children), I realised that I had to get back to Britain.
I asked Raffi (the truck driver), and he said that he could pull a few strings and get me a flight home, but first he had to drop off his wares at the local supermarket (which funnily involved an armed robbery and an SAS seige - but that's another story). So after Raffi and I were about to leave for the Airport, I saw a souvenir shop which had a big sign above it saying 'GBP ACCEPTED HERE'. Knowing that I had a few quid in my pocket, I kindly asked Raffi if I could buy a clay model of the nearby pyramid. Raffi said that I would have to be quick as the plane was to leave in an hour, so I went in and hung my coat on the coatstand before purchasing my pyramid. I took my coat and left.
As Raffi and I got into the truck and drove off, we were subsequently chased by an armed local drug gang known as the 'EGYPT MASSIVE' in their SUV. They started firing at us, and it wasn't until after that I realised that I had accidentally took the wrong coat in the gift shop, and this one was lined with cocaine. Anyway, Raffi 'hit the gas' as it were, and so started an epic chase to the airport involving burst tires, speed cameras, and (omfg) lots of scratched paintwork.
When we got to the airport, Raffi quickly got me through customs (the EGYPT MASSIVE were still chasing us) and I got onto the plane. The last I saw of Raffi was a stand off between him and the gang leader, which involved bullet-time and kung-fu, and I caught no more as the plane took off. When we landed, I managed to hitch a ride home with the local football team who had just won the county cup, and finally I got to my door, clothes ripped, out of breath, and needing a shower. But thankfully the toy pyramid was still intact. I stepped inside and saw my mother.
"You're late."
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