Marick D. Pauper reporting Live!

[Dignified Pauper]

hohohohohoho, it's that time again folks! It's the annual EoFF elections, and this year, we have a fresh new batch of lame and not-so-lame parties.

If you'll remember last year, I was refusing to join any party and instead, I reorted the news unbiasedly. Well, this year, I've alligned myself with the Fat Chocobo party, and while I hope that we win, I won't let it affect my reporting.

Lets get a handle of some of the main parties in this years election:

First off, we have the Hot Air Balloons Are Pretty Neat Party. The party is based off a better tomorrow, a perfect tomorrow, with parties in the sky! Sounds exciting right. They have the fantasticly bearded RSL, whose beard can, as rumor has it, be used as his own personal Hot Air Balloon.
however, how many of us have seen a hot air balloon? How many have watched it for more than 2 minutes beside getting bored? Hmm, seems like everyone. Due to this, I'm sure these hot heads and bags of winds will just be as boring as the next.

Next up, we have the Pirate Red Mage party, supported by King James I of West Hampstead. With testimonies from Edward, the bard, and other infamous characters, how can one not think that this party will win? Well, lets lay down the facts.
First off, the largest problems lie in their personal testimonies.
Edward the Bard - Big Sissy, do you want a big sissy to help represent you?! I didn't think so.
Robo-Cop - I'm sorry, last time I checked, Robots couldn't vote.
Red Mage - freakin awesome
Pirate - I think they could have picked a better pirate for the job.
Chuck Norris - A popular misconception: Chuck Norris is NOT a pirate. He knows kung fu/karate/martial arts. He is more along the lines of a ninja. Thus, a false spokesman for this campaign. I wonder how much they paid him?
Tony robbins - This party is trying to brainwash you.
I'll leave it to the reader to decide what to think of the PRM.

Let's move on, shall we. Local member, Psychotic has formed the Totally Unfunny, Totally Unoriginal (TUTU) party. First of all, the acronym sounds like a frilly pink ballerina outfit. 'nuff said.
Let's just delve into this party. Basically, they believe two things.
1) If you have a funny/witty/clever quip then Run the damned thing into the ground again and again, because that way it'll never get old!
2) Hate George Bush
This party is split fifty/fifty between good and bad. However, they'll need a solid 100% to win this one.

Now, we move on to the Fluffy Pink Party, run this year, by the infamous Boris no no! Supporting the slogan "pink is the new black", boris has crafted a party not worthy of being mentioned compared to others, but gets it anyways. They support the use of the fluffy puff skin for EoFF, which is simply attrocious, and spreading chlamydia through all the members. Do you want chlamydia? Then don't join the fluffy pinks.

Tantalus Party - disbanded after leader joined hot air balloon party bringing 0 members with him.

Next we have the elitist party which is so elite that it only admits one member, Del Murder, and therefor, is not elligible to win anything. LAME.

Next to Last, we have, possibly, the greatest party ever to be formed, the Ace Party, run by Agent Proto himself! However, due to Neel's stark appearance, saying "Is this ACE enough for you Proto", Agent Proto disbanded his party and joined the Fat Chocobos, who now have the leader of the greatest EoFF Party in the history of the EoFF elections under their wing.

Now, for the most amazing party ever - The FAT CHOCOBO party.
Sporting the most Brown of all Brown Leaders - Neel - this party is doomed to succeed! With such high ranking members and Cid Knights, not to mention the former leader of the Ace Party, as well as a majority of the members from last years "the Newbie Party", how can this party not win with all it's educated politicians. This party also has hitmen! It is so fantastic that this new reporter can't help but to try to find something negative about the party, but everything turns out to be great. With the slogan "Join the Family", the Fat Chocobos are welcoming and open to all members.

Well, there you have it. A complete run-down of all the parties so far in the EoFF Elections.

You heard the facts, you make the choice!

I'm Marick D. Pauper. You stay classy Eyes on Eff Eff.

[Psychotic]

(The D. stands for David!)

[Cz]

There are probably laws against this sort of biased journalism. If not, the Hot Air Balloon Party will probably make some when they're probably elected for being great.

[Xaven]

I thought it was #Fat_Chocobo. But Fat Chocobo works better, I guess.

[Miriel]

Keep up, man. There is no elitist party this year.

Someone needs to do more fact checking.

[Dignified Pauper]

I would sincerely hope 8 hours after the event started wouldn't be 'too late'.

Unless of course it was the Elitist Party. It's always too late for anyone to join that.

I believe that the Elitist Part is always existing during every election.

[Miriel]

Nah, the Elitist party is part of the past.

[Captain Maxx Power]

Next up, we have the Pirate Red Mage party, supported by King James I of West Hampstead. With testimonies from Edward, the bard, and other infamous characters, how can one not think that this party will win? Well, lets lay down the facts.
First off, the largest problems lie in their personal testimonies.
Edward the Bard - Big Sissy, do you want a big sissy to help represent you?! I didn't think so.
Robo-Cop - I'm sorry, last time I checked, Robots couldn't vote.
Red Mage - freakin awesome
Pirate - I think they could have picked a better pirate for the job.
Chuck Norris - A popular misconception: Chuck Norris is NOT a pirate. He knows kung fu/karate/martial arts. He is more along the lines of a ninja. Thus, a false spokesman for this campaign. I wonder how much they paid him?
Tony robbins - This party is trying to brainwash you.
I'll leave it to the reader to decide what to think of the PRM.

To bring some true facts:

Edward - I personally disproved his sissyness by completing the whole of FF4 with him solo, ergo your arguement is invalid
Robocop - Blows peoples knee caps off and is NOT a robot, but a cyborg. Again, invalid arguement
Pirate - Remember we have the support of every Pirate ever, including Captain Jack Sparrow, Blue Beard, and Charlton Heston
Chuck Norris - We paid him nothing. Chuck Norris gets paid by the russian government after Chuck saved them using only his beard
Tony Robbins - Seriously he just came into my house demanding to be a part of it. That guy is HUGE. There was no way I was going to say no.

[Dignified Pauper]

Robocop is still not human, thus, he can't vote.

Chuck Norris is still a ninja, and ninja's hate pirates. You either paid him, or you don't actually have him, but a fake!

Tony Robbins brainwashed you to have him in your party so he can brainwash the world.

These are the FACTS.

[-N-]

Dude, I did see the solo Edward thing. That was pretty intense.
I don't think there is an official Elitist party yet. At least, if all goes well.

[Samuraid]

The Elitist party is too good for the elections, apparently.

[Captain Maxx Power]

These are LIES.

[eestlinc]

from the horses mouth, so to speak:

"[T]he Elitist Party...[has] been done before. I need a fresh idea."

[boris no no]

Now, we move on to the Fluffy Pink Party, run this year, by the infamous Boris no no! Supporting the slogan "pink is the new black", boris has crafted a party not worthy of being mentioned compared to others, but gets it anyways. They support the use of the fluffy puff skin for EoFF, which is simply attrocious, and spreading chlamydia through all the members. Do you want chlamydia? Then don't join the fluffy pinks

You make baby Jesus cry
CRY PINK TEARS!!!

[-N-]

The Option F Party

Damn, I wish I had thought of it.