Irrational National Sensation! (Out Now!)

[Xaven]

IT'S NEW,
IT'S FANTASTIC,
IT'S WORTH MORE THAN YOUR GRANDMOTHER,
IT'S THE
NEW,
AWESOME
SKIPMASTER 2000

I was the jump rope king in second grade. Ah, good times.

All my life, I've been walking around wondering what people would think if I suddenly one day decided to myself that TODAY, I would wear a gold bikini and a rifle to the mini market.
Ok, so I haven't been wondering this all my life. In fact, I've never thought about it until five minutes ago, but that's not the point.

What a great idea! Except you might have to change the bikini to pink and polka-dotted, and the mini-market to the mall.

I'm not going to stand on a ladder just to wait for someone to start shaking it, and if by any chance they will, I will gently or violently kick them in the face until they stop and go away, depending on which gender they're currently in.

Depending on which gender they are currently in? Hmm... And what's with gently kicking? That doesn't seem very pleasant.

This is not a matter of integrety, it's a matter of self counciousness and my freedom to wear anything I want to on top of my head, like a vase or lasagne.

A lasagne hat. Hey, post that in Neel's thread about him being bored of his hat.

Sure, I can't sing, but at least I'm terrible at it.
Seriously, my singing voice could dislocate shoulders within a 50 mile radius.

American Idol is the show for you! I want to make fun of you as you fail miserably in the preliminaries, and dislocate Paula's shoulders.

Speaking of singing, do you know what I dislike about old people?

Me being the person I am, I sit there for hours, bored out of my mind, yet smiling and nodding and agreeing with everything they spew out of their mouths. I makes me sad, becase I think that they're lonely and have no one to take to, so I try to be that person, so they don't end up depressed and commiting suicide.

They always whine about how things were so much better before. At which point I would normally say "When? during the war? When Kennedy got shot? When Japan got bombed?", now I just nod and agree.

Yup.

Then they tell me to speak up because their festering ears are malfunctioning and I tell them that I didn't say anything, then they change the subject to something totally unrelated, like cats.

Why does that seem so familiar?

Nobody would like a cat if it didn't have any fur. It would look like a snake, not even a cute snake, more like a snake in the freeway.

My 7th grade science teacher had three hairless cats, and he loved them to bits. They were really cute except for the sagging skin.

Some people should never be in the freeway, like old people.

Or my sister.

They just get a heart attack behind the wheel and smurf things up. Same with pregnant people. They just start giving birth.

All the time.

Birth is gross, there's nothing beautiful about birth at all, there's just blood and gore and crying. "Congratulations! A boy in slippery goo just came out of your bloody vagina! How do you feel?!"

Yuck, yuck, yuck.

I just feel like my day should be filled with something interesting, like piano lessons, or a conflict that would get worse and worse, but in the end of the day everything would be fine and I would've learned a valuable lesson, and this whole process could go over and over again during primetime each wednesday and thursday, but my life isn't a sitcom. It's not even a sit.

Your life is a sitcom. You just don't know it yet.