A woman walks into a bar and ask for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
A woman walks into a bar and ask for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.
This is a 'knock knock' joke:
*knock knock.*
Q:Who's there?
A:Kung.
Q:Kung who?
*the door gets kisked right off it's hinges*
A:KUNG FU!!!
An Englishman, an Irishman and an Iraqi are in a bar.
They are all drinking a pint. (of beer)
The Englishman drops his glass on the floor and it smashes. The others ask "why'd you do that?" and he says "because we've got so many glasses in our country that we can afford to waste some".
Then the Irishman pours all his beer on the floor. The others ask "why'd you do that?" and he says "because we've got so much beer in our country that we can afford to waste some"
Then the Iraqi takes two guns out of his pocket and shoots the other two. They ask "why'd you do that?" and he says "because we've got so many foreigners in our country we can afford to waste some"
"Reality is that which,
when you stop believing in it,
doesn't go away".
Philip K. Dick
Ive got these ones written in a notepad file cause they are LOOOOONG ^_~
Top Ten Excuses - If you suddenly get caught sleeping at your desk at work:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
----------------------------------------
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake
Last edited by Croyles; 06-06-2006 at 04:04 PM.
So this irishman walks past a pub...
The Moral of The Story Is...
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."
"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete."
"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.
"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."
Loony BoB for funniest member imhoOriginally Posted by Loony BoB
Beautiful. I give you a standing ovation.
The Pope, a boyscout, and a famous actor are on a plane, along with the pilot. All of a sudden, the pilot rushes up to the other three, and says, "The plane is out of controll!We need to jump. NOW!" He grabs one of the parachutes, an jumps. The other three are about to do the same when they realize that there are only two parachutes left. The famous actor snatches one up, and as he jumps out he yells to the boyscout and the Pope, "I'm famous! To many epople love me for me to die! So long!" The Pope picks up the las parachute, and hands it to the boyscout. "Go, my son. You are young, and have you whole life ahead of you. My time to go is now. Live a full, happy life." The boyscout merely replies, "But we can both get out!" The pope says "But there is only one parachute!" The boyscout smiles, and replies, "There are two. The actor took my napsack!"
AHhhhh.... sorry for the bad joke...
When life gives you a cactus, hug it. When life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and say, "Lemons? Who ever heard of hugging lemons? give me a cactus!
Renial.tripod.com/: A budding Legend of Mana site
THE HERSHEY MAN!
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway--but the Hershey Man will know!
It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .... If you haven't, add 1755.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e, how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
I wish I had my Irish joke book. It was awesome. I'll do a few I can remember, anyway.
Paddy and Mickey are caught speeding, and the cop comes over and taps on the window. Asking for their name and address, they respond...
Paddy: "I'm John Smith, of no fixed address."
Mickey: "I'm Mickey O'Tool, and I live in the flat above."
Paddy and Mickey are working their new jobs at a timber yard when Paddy hears a yowl from Mickey. "AUGH!!! Paddy, Paddy! Help! I've lost me finger!" he screams.
"How'd you do that?" asks Paddy, running over.
"I just touched this big spinning thing like thi- Damn! There goes another one!"
A group of Irish football fans are flying on a plane back to their hometown when there is a horrible disaster, and the floor gives way. Some fall with it, but many of them grab on to the roof, hanging on for dear life as the pilot desperately tried to keep the plane in the air. Unfortunately, the weight of the people meant one more person would have to drop in order for the plane to reach a place to safely land. Yelling back to the passengers, they all look at one another until one man yells out "I'm doing this for my country!" and falls down to the Earth below. And the Irish clapped.
EDIT: Oh yeah, I like this one, too.
Paddy walks into a confession booth at his local church and begins "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." Upon enquiring as to his sin, Paddy replies: "I have made love to a woman, and I am not wed."
The priest is about to forgive the sins, but his curiosity gets the better of him. "But tell me, son, who was the woman? Was it Shirley? Shirley Brady?"
"I can not say such things, father." Paddy replies, nervously.
"Was it Mary O'Grady?"
"No, father, but I do not feel that I should say."
"Well, they should certainly be brought forward, as their sins will need to be forgiven too... was it Hannah, the young daughter of the grocer?"
"No, father, but I can not say, it is not in me."
"Very well, son." the priest replies. "Pray Hail Mary seven times, and your sins are forgiven."
"Thankyou, father." Paddy leaves the confessional booth feeling much better, and meets Mickey outside.
"So," begins Mickey "what did you get?"
"Seven Hail Mary's," replied Paddy "and a few good leads."
Bow before the mighty Javoo!
A Chuck N. Joke
Chuck sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
There is no signature here. Move along.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one of thems a salted
All the jokes i know are racist or local, sorry.
The last words of Oscar Wilde, to the wallpaper in his room - "One of us has to go"
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One of them says ,"I think I lost an electron!" The second one says "Are you sure?", two which the first one replies, "I'm positive!"
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