The Journal Thread (September)

[Jewels]

September 15th, 2001. 10.26pm

This day has turned out even better than I thought it would be. Since this morning, all that has been on my mind is: Am I going to America? I was starting to realise that I was not going. I was not going to get my wish. And just talking to people from the States who I was going to talk to over the phone was even more heart wrenching. Until tonight. It all feels so...unreal. I am going to America. This time seems so certain I am going but now, out of all this time, I just don't feel as certain as I was two days ago. My Mum is always asking if I'm scared but I say no. I know she is really scared. I think I am scared deep down inside but I don't want to admit it. Especially to myself. I know if I tell my Mum or anyone else I'm scared straight from me, it makes me look weak and vulnerable. I can't be. I have to be strong for my Mum. I know people won't be worried about me. I'm not worried. I just know this will turn out alright.

[bennator]

9.15.01 1:51 P.M.
-------------------------

Even with all of the depression in my life this week, I still managed to have fun last night. I think the stress that it caused made us get more rowdy last night, and our band director wasn't there, so we were led by a senior, ehich means that certain rules don't apply. So even though I'm sad, the depression is starting to wear off, and the lives in our town are starting to get back to normal.

[Black Mage]

Saturday, September 15th, 9:30 PM

Well, I was origionally supposed to get home yesterday but due to the recent events I am still stuck in the city. I am just lucky enough to be able to get to this lap-top, I am also glad my cable hookup provider enables us to use it from the hotel. Anyway, I have been busy looking around the city. I get a terrible feeling every time I see the former WTC. It's sick, and I think that the Televison doesn't due justice to what it actually feels like to be here.

Unfortunetly, I know quite a few people who are still missing, and it feels horrible, not knowing, but none of them are immediate family so I can only guess how much worse it must be for thousands of people.... but I don't want to dwel on this, for everyones sake.
I should be getting home soon, right now it seems like we'll be able to take off within the next three days. There are so many people coming in and out of the city. I was also surprised to see many firemen I know from the area back home. I saw some I knew from livingston county (it's a county near Wyoming county, Where I live)
and they said everything was okay there, so I assume everything is alright at home, in Warsaw. I badly wanted to give blood but I am not able to until I am 18 so my brother and I went down to the red cross building, uh.. I think it was on 32'nd street but I am not sure, and we helped out as much as we could there.

Thats about all I can be doing around here, so I am sorry for everyone with loses, especially Spaceman Spiff, I hope you hear from your father, and anyone else with lost friends, family, or loved ones, we are all in the same boat.

[Shoeberto]

I've been skipping on these a couple of days. I'll cover past events.

9/15/01 11:07 PM

Well, the past couple of days have been very interesting. On Thursday, my friend came up to me in band with a guitar magazine and told me he wanted to get a lead guitar and learn to play. Ironically enough, I've been wanting to get a bass and learn to play for the longest time. Well, long story short, we've been talking about this a lot, and it's a possibility of getting a bass starter set for my birthday in a couple weeks. It's schweet. When my friend gets all his stuff, and we both learn how to play, we could start a band. We'd need a drummer, though. One of my friends has a drum set, but because of certain...reasons...we don't really want him to be in it. But it's cool.

Also, I've gotten a bad cold lately. I've been sneezing, I've had a sore throat, and a very runny nose. I've also been very drowsy. If it weren't for the whole guitar thing, I'd feel very bad.

Tonight, I got in chat...and I got out after a while, due to a fight between two people, who will remain nameless. I might get back on lately. Hopefully, the one who started the whole fight won't be in it.

See you all later.

(18 days until my birthday...w00t!)

[Silverlocke]

Yesterday = Hell on a <BLEEPING> scorched Earth.

Oh, and by the way, mom I JUST BLEW SEVENTY DOLLARS, AND I DID IT DELIBERATELY!!

I thought I'd point that out, so you can go back to being miserable.

Ear hurts...

Take what you have, strip it down. Take away all the layers that mean nothing, the work, the wind, the beauty, the words, and what you have leftover is what really matters to you. ...And you matter to me.

La la la ---

Oh, I'll be gone for the next few days, to anyone who's reading. Thought I'd point that out. Whee...

~~Silverlocke

[Daryl]

Monday, September 17, 2001 - 9:15 AM CST

I had a pretty decent weekend. I went home early on Saturday, and saw my family. Saturday I mostly hung around with my mom. We went shopping and to dinner -- a GREAT dinner. We ate at my favorite restaurant in Oshkosh, Fratello's. Mmm. Chicken and broccoli fettuchini alfredo and tiramisu. It doesn't get much better than that.

Sunday we had a semi-large family gathering for my father's birthday. Both of my brothers, my sister, my sister-in-law, my nephew, my grandmother and my father and stepmother were there. It was nice. We had a grilled, 'picnic' lunch and then went for rides in the canoe.

Then I returned here to school...meh.

That's really all for this entry, so, yeah.

Oh, and thank-you to the person who told me a while back in chat (I regrettably forget who it was) that you really enjoy my jounral entries. I'm glad they are entertaining to someone other than me.

~Becky

[Dr Unne]

September 17, 2001 11:48 AM

I slept through my first class today. Well, actually I woke up on time, thought about it for a couple minutes, then decided it wasn't worth it. Sometimes it's hard to care about things. I'm just glad I made it through high school before I started acting this way. I can get away with it in college, to an extent.

I was going to type some more, but there's no point in it.

[Delglad]

September 17, 2001 1:10 PM PST

My life is pretty terrible right now. It feels like I am at work all the time. I gradually hate my job more and more every day. Not only is there the problems in America right now, my parents are now getting divorced, and I have to deal with financial problems, moving, arguments, etc. The brakes on my car are nearly broken so I have to be very careful when I drive to not kill anyone. Right now the only thing I can look forward to is that things can only get better from now on.
Oh look at the time... Time to get ready for work

[Shoeberto]

September 17, 2001 4:31 PM

I can't really describe the mood I'm in right now. I'm neither happy or depressed. It's wierd.

I'm not happy because I felt horribly sick this morning during school. I got over it, though. Also, I felt like I was going to kick a few people in the nuts, then break their noses today at recess. They really ticked me off.

I'm not depressed, though. I have little homework. I'm downloading RM2k on one of my computers. And there's also the thought that in a couple of weeks it's my birthday.

My friend told me about a part he's gonna be having. We're gonna be going to the place where his new house is gonna be built and camp out. I'd feel better about doing it, but then he told me some details:
1. We'll have no tents or anything, just sleeping out on the (probably wet) ground...during fall.
2. He wants to have a water fight...during fall.
It's things like that that make me question his sanity. I think it'd be fun...but instead of water balloons, we could play laser tag, and sleep in a tent or something. I'm gonna be horribly sick after this >_<

...that's all I have to say right now.
*waits for RTP to finish downloading*

[Dee]

9-17-01

Holy shep. I think I just got myself banned from the school computers for 'chatting'. Ignorant librarians, don't even know what a forum is. They wrote me up. Now that just get me pissed. Plenty of other people play games and check emails during school, but noooooo, they pick on me.

I hate them. I really really do.


On the plus side, I play Xenogears everyday. Oooohhh yeah....

[Calliope]

"i've got a good feeling
like i know how i'm feeling
scraping me off the ceiling
back to that good feeling.
i find it hard living
wasting our time giving
when will we all give in
into that good feeling..."

-fran healy.

"looking out the window, the line is fine
standing on the edge, but don't look town
look at all the people, they all look fine
it's not just life or death..."

Also courtesy of fran healy of 'travis' fame

[Silverlocke]

Whee. Posting time.

The last couple days have been Rosh Hashanah, which is essentially the Jewish New Year, so much of the time was spent at shul...which wasn't nearly as bad as one might think. We're at a new reform shul, which is actually pretty interesting. Plus we got free lunch both days. Yayay. And Yay some more.
Plus I got to enjoy my Dad and stepmom's cooking, another plus. And services were much shorter than usual due to the new shul too.
Anyway, today my brother got called into PT (physical training) for no good reason, so we had to leave early to go to his dorm to get his uniform. I got to stick around, which was actually great. All I did was talk to University people from his floor until 6-ish.
All I can say (inner child: he's lying, he'll say more) is that it was Great! Man...Other than the whole prospect of "real life" approaching, I can't wait until I get to go to Uni...IF I live on res, that is. I'm getting way ahead of myself in any case...but it was actually a hell of a lot of fun. People are so much....better than High School.
Now, granted, I won't be going to film school...I don't think, and I don't even know if I'll be living on Res, but I'm looking forward to never having to listen to whining about who likes who...or hearing it less, anyway (now I get to hear about who's screwing who, but, let's face it, it's a hell of a lot more interesting). Of course, I would probably get tired of living with dozens of half-filled bottles of alcohol and coolers and junk food lying around, but...um...I'll...fly over that bridge when I get there. (Hey, I need to at least think I'm going to a better place after high school, right? No, it's not desperation!)
Seriously, though, I'm surprised they were that...accepting of talking to me, since I was introduced as "my little brother Myles"...kinda nice, really. I was expecting them to be at least a little mocking or something once JJ was gone, but no, they were semi-offering me alcohol and discussing how certain phrases like "poon tang" were introduced into the collective consciousness of people with minds at least semi-spent in the gutter (Isn't it comforting to know that there are still sexually frustrated Arts students in Uni? No.). There were even lots of fun news updates that occured during the day to keep one interested (someone slept with Eric, and he wasn't good enough, so now she needs a way to break up! See how mature we are now? Pfft.).
Stil...I enjoyed it, I didn't particularly like having to go, I made some friends with people I'll probably never see again...it was kinda like a tour, only I didn't leave the building, and there was a lot more mentioning of things we wouldn't mention in tours. Meh.
Of course...tomorrow I have to go back to the world that is mine at the moment...but I'm more looking forward to getting the hell out of it now, and it isn't THAT bad, either. So...I guess there's optimism in the ranks of one. Not like that makes sense, mind you.

I have real rambling ability. I deserve a prize, such as a rubber ducky. No, I don't know where the hell that came from. I'm not too coherent today anyway. I'm getting a cold, for one thing. It's annoyish. I wasn't even supposed to be back tonight! But back I am.
Ramble ramble ramble. Take care of yourselves, everyone.

[Daryl]

Welcome back Myles. *gives him a rubber ducky*

Now, then.

September 19, 2001 - 9:54 PM CST

Well, I'm really glad today is over. Half the school-week, done, plus Tuesday and Wednesday are my busiest days, so what's left this week won't be too bad.

I have to run a meeting tomorrow, and have no real idea what I'm doing, so I figure I'll just smile and nod, and use my 'professional' voice. Meh.

Let's see, what else... I've been getting zero sleep, yet going to bed early (well... early by my standards, at least). Horribly frightening and/or just plain screwed up dreams, the whole night long, is what I've been having for the past three nights now. I won't go into detail here, frankly I only recall a couple of them. Yet I woke up incredibly disturbed, and have been going through my days in a confused daze, bothered by those dreams I can barely remember.

Oh, well. Nothing really notable has happened, so this entry'll be short.

~Becky

[Belladonna Knight]

Given I've never posted here before, this entry is likely going to stretch over a general period from some time ago to today. I suppose it helps that my life hasn't been terribly eventful lately.

I picked up FFT (great game) not too long ago for about $20. Mighty fine bargain, and I've still got about $70 or so left in my wallet. I plan on spending some on CDs--maybe Tantric, Cold, Staind. I might also pick up another game--maybe Mario Kart Super Circuit, Oracle of Ages, or... maybe I'll save it until I have some idea of what Lady Sia is going to be like. (Thus far, it's appealed to me. Especially the rich graphics and haunting melodies.) I'm thinking of picking up Warcraft II: Battle.Net Edition, but I know I'm terrible at real-time strategy games--I don't know if it'd be worth the $10. I've also been looking into fake jewelry... but I'm not sure if I'll be able to pick up any rings in my size. I might have a little trouble squeezing into a size 10 ring--it'd be easier if I lost some weight. ><

The reality of the World Trade Center didn't set in until some time ago. When I first heard about it, I hoped we didn't get into WWIII. But I hoped we got a chance to dispose of the Taliban. I actually thought that it might be better not to find out who was at the root of this, and not start a huge war over it, rather than find out and start such a war over it. The reality hadn't hit me. The people who died weren't "real people" to me... they were numbers. Staggering numbers, but... people though I knew they were, they were faceless and nameless to me. I didn't know any of them.

But, my apathy changed... I learned that some of my friends lost family in the WTC attack. My mom told me a story she'd seen on the news--of an employer who'd been personally spared because he was taking his daughter to her first day of kindergarten--who found that every one of his 700+ employees had gone down in the WTC attack, including his own brothers. He gave the medical staff an employee list, and said "Find me anyone." He didn't say "find my brothers." He said "Find me anyone." That's roughly when the reality hit me. About how real people with real lives with real concerns with real feelings--thousands of them--had been killed. Some on the planes. Some crushed in the debris. Others stuck in pockets of the debris, maybe slowly, painfully, consciously dying before the rescue workers could reach them.

But... I don't want to dwell on depressing stuff like that. There's little I can do now. I want something to lift me up, not bring me down.

I read a book called "Peaceful Kingdom--Random Acts of Kindness by Animals." It's... touching. If you want something to warm your heart, get it now. It's like a testament to how not all the good in this world is gone yet, how there are still hearts filled with love and caring, both human and nonhuman. I swear it gave me some kind of naive hope, faith in this world. It nursed what little spark of hope I had left--both in others, and in myself. It showed me that I still have feelings, that I'm not yet condemned with living death.

It's also Homecoming week here, and we have these strange dress-up days all week. Tuesday was Halloween costume day, and we had people dressed up as all sorts of things--the Men in Black, demons, small children, witches, beach bums, even one senior athlete (football player, I think?) who dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood. Yesterday, we had this strange "Blast From the Past Day." There were many interpretations on this. I saw cavemen, hippies, Confederate soldiers, cheap 40's and 50's conformist knockoffs, girls in fancy 1800's/early 1900's party dresses, even one guy who dressed up as a baby (there's a curious interpretation). One girl in my Spanish class wore this absolutely gorgeous black outfit, complete with S&M-queen black high heels and a black headband which went just beautifully with the rest of her outfit.

Today, we had Male Volleyball... there are three matches. The Sophomores square off against the Seniors, and the Juniors against the Freshmen, in the first two. My grade (Sophomores) put up a good fight--you can tell they got better since last year--but they still lost by quite a bit to the Seniors. The Freshmen absolutely had their asses handed to them (though someone was fiddling with the scoreboard, and after the endgame buzzer went off, the Freshmen's score was stacked to some 30 points). I imagine the Juniors and Seniors will be squaring off against each other tomorrow.

That's something of a contrast to last year, when while our Freshmen did horribly, the Sophomores handed the Seniors' asses to them. If I remember correctly, those Sophomores then went on to whoop the Juniors as well. Note that the Sophomore class which whooped all the upperclassmen are now the Juniors who played against the Freshmen today. I expect them to beat the Seniors tomorrow.

We're also going to have Powderpuff Football tomorrow. "Powderpuff." Way to break the glass ceiling.

Yesterday, I got to visit the large public library about 30 miles from my town. I got a library card and checked out a few books... two on politics (on separation of church and state, mostly), and two on writing. One of the books on writing I like--it focuses on major writing elements, and how to work with them, like character, theme, and plot--and searching for details from your own heart and mind. The other I don't like as much--now, the book itself may be good, but I don't like the perspective that writing is presented from. I'll be revisiting the library tomorrow, and I'll probably return that book and look for something else. On a less related note, the library sits on a bay, and the view is absolutely magnificent.

Now, yes, there are plenty of things going on in my school this week (more homework than usual, in fact, though I've been handling it well), and the WTC event was a big thing, but... not as much has been going on in my personal life. Mostly just shopping plans and checking out books... not much, né? My love life and artistic output have both been silent, and both are things I crave. The second, I can do something about when I find the time... but the former is so difficult. It's hard enough finding people I like, and so much harder finding people that are similarly attracted to me.

~Belladonna Knight

P.S. I'm searching for a "real" name, too. Add that to what little eventfulness has been taking place in my life.

[Silverlocke]

Beneath it, there’s another layer somewhere. Something very bitter, very possessive, very angry, and very, very horny. It might not be the deepest one out there, but certainly below the surface there is one very psychopathic and very sinister. Dark. Just give me what I want already! It’s a bit more of a subdued face, only showing up in certain times of certain experience, and can often seem to vanish. It needs to be present, undoubtedly. Sometimes it overrides everything else and becomes almost infinitely strong, then goes away quickly, leaving you reeling. Frail yet bedazzled. It’s fun and light and happy and playful, but down there on more than one level, but this one in particular it really isn’t, and you’d do just about anything to make sure as hell it isn’t going anywhere, and who knows where you stop. Purely impure, lovingly murderous. Somewhere the knife’s just an expression of how much you care, but that fact more often than not gets lost in the constant slashing and manipulation. You’re so dear I just have to cause this, perhaps to reaffirm, but try to hold on. Quite paradoxical. Try to hold on. Spin in it circles and use whatever magnifying glass you have, but, seriously, it’ll never totally get figured out. It’s nothing but the way it is, just like you and me. It is often the one that wanders. It doesn’t take no for an answer, not really, and doesn’t like to get pushed around. It’ll tell you to go elsewhere, and many will listen. It, with all it’s its, is just one big it, really. Possibly even more than the sum of its parts, partly because we can never truly see every part. But this particular layer is both a glue and a propellant, so be careful, even if you can’t. You can’t change it, anyway, so accepting it is reasonable, though reason is out to lunch when you deal with it, along with accountability and God knows what else. Closure comes here, I suppose. Everything needs proper closure, but that belongs elsewhere…