That's a song by Staind, Ashley.
Anyway...I rarely post here other than to complain, so here I go again.
Today wasn't inherently bad...classes were fine, the only assignments I got back I got perfect on (menial busywork, but meh. The fact that I did anything at all is surprising), but it wasn't a big problem. After school my best friend said he had to talk to me, and that he was having problems. Of course, I asked him to tell me what the problem was, etc. Usual procedure, really, only I had to be home at a reasonable time to make dinner for my Mom. Anyway, he basically wouldn't answer any of my questions, or say anything more than vague, all-encompassing statements like "everything was going great, but now it's all going to hell". An hour or so passed, so I said that if he didn't start actually talking, I had to go home. He said he was sorry he brought it up in the first place, and, like I said, I went home, didn't even look back at him. And it was fine for a while, I went home, made dinner, talked on the phone for 5 hours or so, and even watched half an hour of TV...then I went on the computer, and suddenly I feel quite awful. I let down my best friend. I shouldn't have let my temper get in the way. Then I read my email...Someone who I was quite close to who emailed me saying she missed talking to me almost two weeks ago emailed me again, because I stupidly never got around to replying and telling her I was still around. Don't get me wrong, she's just a friend of mine, but I still let her down by not being there to talk to. Then I came to EoFF and found I'd missed Kim by roughly an hour (and I could have not talked on the phone and been online instead. That's the kicker, eh?). Great. So, I was supposed to go for a walk tonight with another friend of mine, who I spoke on the phone with for roughly 5 hours earlier tonight, because we haven't in a while. But no! His mom, who dislikes me in the way that a father would dislike the guy his daughter is dating, says that he isn't allowed to be out after 1 at all anymore. And it's my fault he was in the situation at all. So, I can't see my friends, I can't really call people safely at 12:. AM, and I don't feel much like ICQ. I also have to be at school by 8:30 tomorrow for something I shouldn't have even agreed to, so my next closest friend after the two mentioned above can rely on me and likely be let down due to my lack of sleep and/or experience. Great. Actually, I don't think I'll be TOO bad tomorrow, I'm pretty good at public speaky stuff, but I'm still not looking forward to it. Anyway, so my "score" for tonight is 2 friends abandoned, one lover barely missed, and one friend curfewed...All of this my doing, too. Basically, I've hurt the 3 people closest to me (family notwithstanding), plus another who relies on me. Aren't I useful. *rolls eyes*
I feel like taking a walk myself, but I lack adequate music for the mood. Oh well. I suppose I'll just be miserable for a couple hours then go to bed. *shrugs* With any luck tomorrow'll be more than a bit better.
EDIT: (I warned you I'd be miserable for a couple hours) You know, it’s funny. Sometimes I really feel like I’m me, and I care about people and people care about me and I’m a part of lives and a part of the human race, and some nights and days I just feel like this completely separate entity, basically. I used to practice “zoning”, now I think I’ve gotten to doing it too automatically.
Sometimes it feels like there isn’t anything that’s really “me”. My brother said this Thursday night, and I think I can quote it exactly: “I’m becoming like Dad. We’re really alike, in mannerisms and how we’re both social. You’re not becoming anyone, really. You’re just some strange independent entity.” …And, considering a couple talks I’ve had with him recently, I know what he means…
And while I’m feeling sorry for myself here, I miss my family. I don’t really have any anymore…My Mom isn’t a bad person, but she just isn’t my mother anymore, and she’s extremely unlikable right now. I can only take so much being told I’m useless and unlovable before I just don’t listen to her anymore. She’s really just become someone who’s with me until I move out, and that makes me sad, because I miss the real her. I don’t really have contact with anyone else more than a few minutes a week…I miss my brother most. I do resent his leaving me to take care of mom a little, but I know that that experience really helped me, so I don’t mind it that much. I just miss having a brother. Back in December, after he moved out, we spoke really as who we always were for what’ll probably be the last time. Though…last week we got back together a bit…He was just with me and I needed to talk to him again. I just…didn’t do it the right way. I pried into his life and told him what to do (or what not to do) and made him cry. I shouldn’t do that to a member of my family. I still don’t know what I should have done though…We’ve kinda accepted we won’t be the same again, and it’s saddening.
I’m really not sure what makes me who I am. Usually I actually enjoy this, because I can still be whatever I want, but right now I wish I had some sort of fallback. No one in my family really needs me, other than JJ, and he would cope, so nights like this, when I’m not here for the people who matter to me, and to whom I matter, what am I, really? Existentialist bulltrout aside, I can’t think of much. *sigh*
Oh well…I’ll be better in the morning, anyway. Sometimes I wish I wouldn’t be, so I could dedicate more time to figuring out how to be, but I guess that would be too easy. I’m just about feeling whined out and pretty soon I’ll be optimistic again, so I’ll stop this now. Yay for everything.
Blah...*expresses his dislike for people acting this way*
~~Silverlocke
