Things FF7 Characters Would Never Say

[Diddy21]

Barret: Damn my hair needs to be more interesting
Cloud: Oh my Home-Boy! Sammy at Lablonko's hair stylists does some mean hair! Tell them I sent you!
Barret: And get a dum ass cracker hair style like that...........hell no!
Cloud: Oh! I know u didn't!
Barret: Damn straight i did!
Sephiroth: (Gets in between them, enough said!)
Barret: What the HELL!!!!!

:goomba:

[SuperMillionaire]

Here's another one. Guest appearances: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot (aka the Animaniacs).

Yakko and Wakko: *spots a very sexy teenaged Yuffie* Helloooooo, nurse!

Dot: Okay guys, no fighting, no fighting!

Yakko and Wakko: Yuffie, Yuffie! *she begins to dance*

Yakko (singing): I never really knew that she could dance like this; she makes we want to say "Hello Nurse!" What is your name, beautiful, my home is your home!

Wakko: Yuffie, Yuffie!

Yuffie (singing): Oooh, baby when you talk like that, you make a girl go mad, so be wise, and keep on reading the signs of my body... I'm on tonight; you know my hips don't lie, and I'm starting to feel it's right; all the attraction, the tension, don't you see baby, this is perfection!

Yakko and Wakko: Helloooooo, nurse!

Yuffie: Well, well, well, if it isn't Yakko, Wakko, and Dot, aka the Animaniacs! The Warner Brothers and their Warner Sister have entered the world of Final Fantasy. Yakko and Wakko, I love you both, but only one of you can date me. I am a teenager, at 16, and Yakko, you are suitable for a teenager like me, so you'll be dating me. Wakko, I think you're not as suitable for a teenager as Yakko. Try an adult. I think that my adult friend Tifa would be great for you. She is 20 years old, and a young, sexy adult girl. Now, she already has a boyfriend, Cloud, but he'd like you to spend time with her; she's a very sweet girl. Oh, well now, here she comes! Hey Tifa! One of the Warner Brothers wants to date you!

Tifa: Hey, Wakko! Wakko? What's wrong? I'm not gonna hurt you! I think you're a great little guy, and I love your humor!

Wakko: Uh-uh, no way... not an adult! Oh no! She's like, over 6 feet tall and has huge, strong muscles! Gaaaaaaaaaargh! No! Please, don't hurt me! Go on a date with Cloud! CLOUD! HELP ME! PLEASE, TAKE TIFA SOMEWHERE; GET HER AWAY FROM ME! SHE LOOKS TOO SCARY FOR ME TO DATE HER!

Cloud: Uh uh, no way; she's gonna date you, and give you a nice, sexy lap dance! You're gonna like that! She's not scary; she's very sexy, and sweet too!

Tifa: That's right, Cloud; I'm not scary unless you make me mad. I'm a very nice girl, Wakko. I like you. Please, come date me, please? *big puppy eyes!*

Yakko, Dot, Yuffie, and Cloud laugh!

Yakko: Come on, Wakko; date her!

Wakko: But she's a scary adult! Ans she sweats a lot too; look at her underarms!

Tifa: What's so scary about me? I'm not scary at all! Or... well, I am an adult, and I do have big muscles, but I'm not scary and mean! I'm just a very nice girl in a tough girl's body. And yes, I also sweat, and I actually would like it if you rubbed my armpits, but you don't have to if you don't want to!

Wakko: I don't?

Tifa: No, you don't. I just want you to date me. Please, don't be afraid.

Cloud: Yeah, she just wants you to make her laugh, and she also wants to make you laugh!

Yakko: Yeah, so go on! If you don't you're gonna miss out! You can't have the teenaged Yuffie, so an adult Tifa would do you great. So go on with her!

Wakko: Are you sure that she's safe?

Dot: Yes, she is safe, so go now!

Wakko: Okay... but I'm not gonna hug her; she sweats too much.

Tifa: Go over my neck and hug me, then!

Wakko: Oh yeah, right. Thanks, Tifa.

Tifa: You're welcome.

And so, Yakko dates teenaged Yuffie, Wakko, reluctantly at first, dates young adult Tifa, and Dot enthusiastically accepts a date from young adult Cloud. The end.

[blue phoenix]

Ruby Weapon: Meow
Emerald WEAPON: I'm drowning
Random Guy In Bathroom: I'm done. But you might want to wait 24 hours before going in there.

Sephiroth: mWahAhahahA! *kills Aeris*
Cloud: *uses a phoenix down*
Aeris: all better!
Sephiroth: mWahAhahahA! *kills Aeris*
Cloud: *uses a phoenix down*
Sephiroth: mWahAhahahA! *kills Aeris*
Cloud: *uses a phoenix down*
(this goes on until Cloud runs out of phoenix downs/MP restore items for Life)
Sephiroth: mWah--
Cloud: OMNISLASH!!!!
Sephiroth: *uses Aeris as a human sheild*
Cloud:.......crap.

vincent: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

For some reason, i found all f them funny, but i laughed a lot at those few ^

Tifa- "Cloud will you stop being an ego-obsessed crybaby and actually work!"

Barret and Dyne start signing "Singing in the Rain" complete with dance moves

Cid- "Did you hear the news? apparently smokings bad for you? Thats it i quit! never liked them anyway"

Cait Sith when found out to be a spy- "Hey! dont hate me, think of me as James bond!, starts humming theme tune"

[Velocity Eleven]

Barret: Hey, uhm, can Sephiroth come out and play?
Ifalna: Sorry, he's grounded for a week after that whole Meteor incident

[Shiny]

Barret: Hey, uhm, can Sephiroth come out and play?
Ifalna: Sorry, he's grounded for a week after that whole Meteor incident

That's a nice one you got there.

[DarkLord]

Vincent: I love you all

Cloud: Goddamn it I need a haircut

Barret: What the hell!
Vincent: Barret, you didn't swear! We're all so proud of you.
Cloud: Let's celebrate with some fags
Cid: No way, I quit smoking.
Yuffie: Go, I'll take Cid's share, *Puff*, Ahh, sweet, sweet nicotine.
Tifa: Has anyone seen my bra I can't find ity anywhere
Cloud:Uhh, don't look at me... Holy sh... Tifa, put on a shirt
Tifa: I can't find that either
Cloud: Don't hear me complaining.

[Omega weapon123]

[ruby weapon coming out of the desert] peek-a-boo I see u

emerald weapon singing "under the sea"

vincent:".....my favorite hobby is picking flowers and drawing cute pink hearts for yuffie, my love....."

sephiroth:time to die aeris
*stabs aeris 100 times*
sephiroth: why won't u die u stupid ancient
cloud: let me take a shot at it
* starts slashing her 100 times*
cloud: shes still alive!
everyone else: lets all try to kill her
* everyone atacks her at the same time*
everyone: why are u still alive, aeris
aeris: because, I'm not suppose to die this way
*aeris throws holy away and she dies*

[RyanML]

Barrett - Oh Snap!

[Levian]

Aeris: Does this gut wound make me look fat?

[DK]

Cait Sith: I could sure go for some vaniljebaesj right now

Red XIII: I would like you to feed me a can of spam, with fourteen protein shakes to watch it down. Also, paint my tail potato coloured.

Hojo: So, hello everyone and welcome back to K-Chat. Midgar's main place for
things. I mean well, it's a place in Midgar where things go on like
interviews or things or other things like that. But at the moment it's
interviews! And I'm Hojo Sheckenhausen, the best interviewer in Midgar
and exclusive to K-Chat. Remember you only hear Hojo on K-Chat. Our next
guest is a man on a mission. And that's why he's got such a silly name.
His mission is simple, zoos. His name is Vincent.
Vincent: G'day Hoj'.
Hojo: Hi Vincent.
Vincent: Hi, the name's Vince, Vince Valentine. But I love zoos, I really do. That's
why they also call me Vincent.
Hojo: OK, and which do you prefer?
Vincent: Ah what darlin?
Hojo: Which name, Vincent, or Vince Valerthingy?
Vincent: Ah, I don't mind babe. Whatever you fancy. Fine by me as long as we
talk about animals. I don't give a damn what you call me. As long as it
ain't Sheila or something.
Hojo: Ha, ha ha, you're silly Vincent. Why would I call you Sheila?
Vincent: I don't know love you tell me.
Hojo: Ok, um, this is getting confusing. It says here your name is Vincent, and
now your saying your name is Vince Valentine, and now you're saying it's
Shelia?
Vincent: Uh, doll, the name ain't Sheila, that's a Sheila's name. It's an
Australian joke.
Hojo: Okay, oh right. I don't speak Australian, do I?
Vincent: I guess not sweetheart.
Hojo: Ok, well, moving on. You're Vincent?
Vincent: That I am
Hojo: Cool! And I here you've made quite a name for yourself, why's that?
Vincent: Because I love animals Hoj', animals. And publicity and stuff, and I
love animals I love 'em.
Hojo: Me too!
Vincent: That's the thing babe. We all love animals but we don't know too much
about them, that's what I'm here to tell to you about, that and myself
of course.
Hojo: Of course so, right, what about animals?
Vincent: Well its interesting right, but not a lot of folks realise that we're
90% the same as a fly or a cockroach or a pigeon that's the new science
out there called Genestics, I think, which is going to be real popular
real soon. But what it tells us is all animals are pretty much the
same, from a genetical level.
Hojo: Oh cool!
Vincent: Damn right its cool babe! You know what that means don't ya?
Hojo: No I haven't got a clue!
Vincent: It means we've all got to start caring for one another like family.
Hojo: OK! So let me get this straight, like my brother is a cockroach, and my
dad is a pigeon and my mom is a fly. Is that right?
Vincent: Well sort of genesticallistically speaking but your bang on love. And
you know what that also means?
Hojo: Uh, no.
Vincent: That you could legally speaking marry any animal you wanted and have
kids unless you're married already babe, you ain't married are ya?
Hojo: No, I just split up with my boyfriend he didn't like me being on the
radio. Whatever. Said I sounded stupid.
Vincent: Well that's my point love, I mean, imagine if you'd been out dating a
wolf or a cute little deer he'd protect you and stuff, urinate to keep
out intruders but he wouldn't mind you being on the radio, wouldn't
mind a bit.
Hojo: Why not?
Vincent: Wolves and deer's have no concept of jealousy of someone else's
success. That's the Genestistic variation between homoerectus and
spider monkeys. Jealousy and fur and stuff.
Hojo: Oh.
Vincent: Oh indeed sweet thighs, oh indeed. Would you like Vincent to tell you
something else?
Hojo: Yeah.
Vincent: Everything you learned in school was a lie babe, a lie! Take forology
for instance. You were told sharks were dangerous right?
Hojo: Yes.
Vincent: Cobblers babe. They're frightened of you. They ain't gonna hurt you!
Have you ever tried cuddling a shark, getting down and dirty with one,
relaxing it a little?
Hojo: No.
Vincent: Well I have, and I'll tell ya its very rewarding Hoj' babe. Very
rewarding indeed.
Hojo: Really?
Vincent: Yeah, absobloodylootly love! Once you've calmed it down with a little
rubbin it's like a swimin puppy, real affectionate and stuff.
Hojo: OK, I'll try that!
Vincent: You should love, you really should. Let me tell you something else.
Hojo: Go on, go on.
Vincent: Well, this is something for the guys out there really. You know with a
girl like, you ain't got a clue, I mean a female human, when she's on
heat right and ready to mate, looks like been a cool girlfriend no
human when she ain't on heat. And would throw a drink over your face if
you grabbed her behind and start trying anything intimate. You can't
tell the difference. I know that only too well. But take a Fawker
monkey from the jungles of the Philippines, when she's on heat, her
behind sticks up and glows bright red and she makes a sound a bit like
this (Vincent makes a crazy screaming monkey mating call) and any fool
or dingbat can tell she's ripe and ready for action, certainly clears
up any confusion.
Hojo: Yeah I guess it does.
Vincent: Or a female Black Widow spider, now, they eat their mates after the
deed, as they say, is done.
Hojo: Uegh!
Vincent: Yeah, I know! That certainly puts things into perspective doesn't it?
Hojo: I've never done that.
Vincent: No, but you can now because you're the same! Well more or less the
same. I mean that's the funny thing about my work, about Genestetics.
Hojo: Oh God! The world is so complicated.
Vincent: There are also lots of tiny differences between animals, you know what
a species is don't ya honey?
Hojo: Yes.
Vincent: It's an animal, which has other animals, which are quite a bit like it.
A dog is a species but a cat isn't because there's lots of cats.
However, I've discovered out there in the wild loads of new species
that regular science practiceborror pressed blokes who have
laboratories haven't even found out about.
Hojo: Really?
Vincent: Really I have. There's a hornyvince bear named after me, Vince right?
Exactly the same as a regular bear only it's got a big horny growth
hidden right down its groin area. You gotta reach in and have a fiddle
about and then you find it. Completely different it is. I was amazed
when I found it.
Hojo: I can imagine. I was amazed when I left the hairdressers.
Vincent: No wonder darlin. Or the Double Gutted Vince Tree monkey, exactly like a
normal tree monkey, except it's called after me and if you have a
rummage around inside, goin in the back door, you discover it's got two
digestive tracts, two, amazin! Really profound it was.
Hojo: Ooh. That's gross!
Vincent: No Hoj', it's the science of Vincent, gettin down and dirty with animals.
Because I love them and I hate life.
Hojo: Okay, it also says here you like zoos.
Vincent: It's a love hate thing babe.
Hojo: That, that's nice.
Vincent: But I'm certainly an expert, I know what I'm doing and I'm not afraid
to expose myself.
Hojo: OK, well I'm getting a little confused here why don't we take a break and
when we come back take some phone calls, because all the buttons are
really flashing all of a sudden. You're on K-Chat!
Hojo: We're on K-Chat, and so are you. If you're listening, I'm here with
Australian animal lover Vincent. If you've got anything to ask him, why
don't you just give us a call right now.
Vincent: Yeah, great, give us a call right now and I'll tell you anything you
need to know about animals.
Hojo: OK, who's on the line?
Caller 1: Is that Vincent Valentine?
Vincent: G'day, of course it is.
Caller 1: And, and you're in Vice City?
Vincent: Yeah.
Caller 1: What are you doing here?
Vincent: Promoting animals mate.
Caller 1: Don't you remember the court case?
Vincent: Ah, get lost. Hojo, uh, let's have another caller.
Hojo: Uh, oh, ok. Whose on line 2? You're through to K-Chat!
Caller 2: Don't hang up on me Flanerdy you're meant to be in a hospital you
sicko.
Vincent: Hey, easy there mate. Hospitals are for people who don't feel well. I'm
at the top of my game.
Caller 2: Are you insane? Don't answer that. I know the answer. You're sick and
insane and you need help.
Vincent: I've got a Visa mate, I've got a Visa. You can't touch me, I'm
bonafide. I love animals. Leave me the hell alone or I'll come by your
aquarium and feed you to the bloody sharks you no good by the book
paper pushing murderer. Bobo would have lived if you'd let me in the
tank. I could have cheered him up. I could have done. Stay away from
me y'here? Name all callers k Hoj'? Phones are so impersonal not a two
way conversation like the radio.
Hojo: Okay, um, who was that?
Vincent: Wrong number I think.
Hojo: No, it wasn't.
Vincent: Yeah it was, a bloody wrong number. He wanted a plumber and a Chinese.
I was speaking to him in Australian.
Hojo: OK, cool. Uh, what was that about the aquarium?
Vincent: Nothing babe, all in the past, long time ago. I was tricked into saying
something I regretted.
Hojo: Oh, cool. That happens to me all the time.
Vincent: I can see that love. Yeah, big mistake, never trust a judge of a mental
health tribunal, never. Only trust animals.
Hojo: Ok, and what did they make you say?
Vincent: Nothing babe! Oh, it was a long time ago look. I brought a little
surprise for you. It's a little female plague rat. See how relaxed she
is with me? I've got special powers. She's a lot like a little Joey
kangaroo in a lot of ways, you know what I mean love?
Hojo: What did they make you say?
Vincent: I've also brought a menacing trouser snake. Would ya like to see it?
Look at this it's a little frog in my pocket. Calm as you like, not
even awake. Awh he's died. Anyway, in this pocket I've got a baby dwarf
giraffe I birthed this morning, see she's still covered in fluid from
her mum's womb. Wow, isn't that fabulous?
Hojo: Ooh that's brody. What did they make you say at the mental health judge?
Vincent: Nothing babe. Nothing at all. A long time ago it was a bad period in my
life. I wasn't sleeping, I was heartbroken like a platypus. D'ya know a
platypus only gets a bill after its mate breaks its heart by sleeping
with its brother? I know all about that. I was crying my eyes out for
weeks. On all kinds of pills for my nerves. Couldn't move, couldn't
talk. I was cooing like a dove. Please darling, let's move on. D'ya
want me to talk to a parrot?
Hojo: Now I'm really curious, what did they make you say?
Vincent: Ii love yoou!
Hojo: You do? I never knew!
Vincent: They made say I love ya!
Hojo: Oh, I made my boyfriend say it and he slept with my best friend. I think
we're bonding now.
Vincent: Noo. We ain't bonding ya halfwit. We're miles apart. I hate ya! They
made me say I love ya to Bobo.
Hojo: Who was Bobo?
Vincent: Bobo was the most beautiful creature that was ever on the earth.
Ever at all, really beautiful.
Hojo: Who was she?
Vincent: He, he, he!
Hojo: Hey hey he.
Vincent: He was a dolphin. And I loved him. And I knew him properly. Those
people could never understand. It's natural. We were identical. From a
genertergorcial perspective. And Bobo was really unhappy. Putting on a
show every day like a circus animal. They thought they caught me doing
something, but they never did, Hoj', they never did. We were only
cuddling. How can people take that the wrong way? Babe, they took me
away and they locked me up. And Bobo died of a broken heart.
Hojo: He did? That's awful. But, eww, oh. Just a second you sick bastard!
Security!
Vincent: I love ya more then you can imagine!
Hojo: Call the police someone, please help me! This guy is molting animals.
Ooh, it's gross!
Vincent: Hoj', I only wanted to be loved. Properly mind and he's gone.
Doc: Vince, it's Doctor Phillips.
Vincent: Get lost doc. I got out of confines. Me and me friends are travelling
around in a black van and solving crimes and running from the Colonel.
Doc: Vince, I'm coming in.
Vincent: Stay away from me!
Doc: Vince, you've been a very bad boy, come on we're going home now Vince.
Vincent: Stay away from me, I've got a poisonous lizard in my boot he'll kill ya
in two seconds.
Other: Vince, please, we've been through this, you're not well. Bobo is dead.
It's time to get back on the medication and start piecing your life
back together. While locked up in a padded cell for a very long time,
or until you die.
Vincent: Is it that time again Doc?
Doc: Yes Vince, it is. C'mon. Put on the straight jacket. Look, it's even got
your initials on it. And swallow this.
Vincent: Oh thanks Doc. Did I tell ya I love animals and they love me? I got a
message. Look for a wipe the china hand...
Other: I'm really sorry about that. Vince is a very, very sick man. We rarely let
the dangerously ill out of the society. And when we do, it's not always
fatal.
Hojo: Okay, great.
Doc in background: Get this crack head out of here. Sorry to be a bother.
Hojo: Oh, ah, um no bother.
Doc in background: C'mon, don't bash his head.
Hojo: I never knew animals were so interesting. We'll be back after this. You're
on K-Chat. Don't go away.

Tseng: I HATE THE NAME TSENG WHY DIDN'T THE WRITER CALL ME NIPPLECLAMP I'M LEAVING THIS SECOND RATE PROJECT AND GOING TO STAR IN CHRONO CROSS INSTEAD

Aeris/Cloud: http://kyono.the-hoff.com/footballshutup.mp3

Leviathan: I am The Black Mage. and Monica. Faen!

Squall: I wish I was in Final Fantasy VII so Levia could make fun of Kyono using my name. Oh well, never mind. RINOA! WHERE'S MY TEA? *backhand*

Tifa: we need to press these six buttons at the same time for the door to open!
Barret: Yeah, shinra's protection against One-Armed-Men is bulletproof. Which is a double shame because I have a gun where my arm was.

Cloud: We need to press these three buttons at the same time for the door to open!
Tifa: I have big breasts.
Barret: Yes. Yes you do.

Cloud: We need to press these three buttons at the same time for the door to open!
Tifa: When's the traffic cop get here?
Barrt: *furiously procrastinating*

[Levian]

President Shin-ra: You are going to escape somehow and kill lots of people, but not before I tell you my master plan you won't!

Professor Gast: Hey, Ifalna, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Tifa: Hi Cloud, I'm going to show you that annoying 3D map of Midgar's railway system, just like Jessie did 15 minutes ago.

Cid: lol, my name is dic backwards. DICK. penis!!!! geddit?
Aeris: that's not funny
Cid: You have to be drunk to understand it.

Leviathan: I hate it when I get water up my nose.

Bugenhagen: Hohoho, my penis levitates too!

Cloud: we need to press these three buttons at the same time for the door to open!
Tifa: Yeah, shinra's protection against One-Man-Armies is bulletproof.

Tifa: We need to press these three buttons at the same time for the door to open!
Barret: I don't need to do anything, bitch.

[Rye]

Mukki: I'm not interested in boys, so please stop grinding your crotch on my leg in a slow and sensual manner.

[-N-]

Tifa: We need to press these three buttons at the same time for the door to open!
Cloud: When's the sex scene?
Barret: *furiously masturbating*

[SuperMillionaire]

Aerith: Tifa, please take your arm away from me. Your sweaty armpit is on my shoulder.

Tifa: Oh... sorry.

[Dr. Acula]

Tifa: Cloud, can i flash you my boobs?
Cloud: Hell no! *goes to the pub with Sephiroth*

Aeris: I hate Cloud. Tifa, you can have him.
Tifa: I hate pimps. Cloud's such a pimp. Yuffie can have him.
Yuffie: Nah, you know how I feel about sex before marriage!