"Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it."
-Benjamin Franklin

"All of the people in my apartment are insane. The guy next door makes synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The woman above me once tried to rob a store...with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money or I'm marking down everything in the store!'"
-Steven Wright

"From the moment I picked your book up from the moment I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday, I intend to read it."
-Groucho Marx