Gradius III: From Legend to Myth. That's the arcade original, not the friendly SNES version. I'll give you some examples.



Stage 7 is particularly hellacious. For most of the level, you have to dodge these big flaming meteors that are ejected slowly but unpredictably from the geography enclosing you--and in increasingly large numbers. You can shoot them to attempt to clear a path, but that really just makes things worse, as they then split into three smaller, indestructible meteors that go flying at angles determined by the big one's original direction, which may as well be random. But just flying peacefully through the big ones isn't a viable option, either, as you've also got enemy ships darting around and shooting at you, and they'll gang up on you quickly if you don't return fire. So, in reality, your only course of action is to shoot everything while trying to weave through the jungle of stones and bullets, trusting only in sheer luck and your instincts as a gamer to let you find the few pixels of safe territory at every given second.





Stage 4 is slightly less hopeless but still plenty frustrating. For whatever reason, the developers thought it would be fun to slap a Space Harrier-style pseudo-3D stage right into the middle of the game with no warning or explanation whatsoever. But while the concept isn't completely without merit (Space Harrier is a pretty fun game, after all), the execution is truly miserable to behold.

There are no enemies to be found in this level, and the only challenge lies in successfully navigating a series of twisting, branching corridors. In spite of this, you're actually likely to die much more than you would in a normal level, as you're forced to fly at a ridiculously high speed, and the draw distance on the incoming graphics is so low that walls will pop up in front of you out of nowhere, giving you just a split-second to turn if your reflexes are absolutely perfect.





Some history: In Gradius II, the last major obstacle before reaching the final boss was this screen-filling contraption, aptly named Crab. Since it was completely indestructible, the sole method for survival was to deftly fly through the momentary gaps made between its legs and the walls as it slowly crawled back and forth. You had to keep this up for quite a while before the corridor ended and it finally buggered off, but it was ultimately not an overwhelming challenge.

Unfortunately, after that game, dodging a huge indestructible walker for extended periods of time during the final stage became a series tradition. And per the game's consistently agonizing difficulty, Gradius III played host to the most nightmare-inducing incarnation ever.





That's right. Mini-Crabs.

They're still invincible, but on account of their diminutive size, the gaps between their legs and the walls no longer provide sufficient space for the Vic Viper to traverse. Instead, you have to take refuge in small spaces made out in the ceilings and floors until they pass. Albeit simpler in concept than the leg-for-leg management Gradius II required, the claustrophobic dimensions of the safe zones, coupled with Gradius III's utterly unforgiving collision detection, makes keeping up with the level's auto-scrolling in order to avoid crashing into the walls a more nerve-racking ordeal than a game of Operation.





If you thought that was all, you still don't realize the full magnitude of the Gradius III developers' cruel intentions. Verily, the mini-Crabs were a mere appetizer for a banquest of pain that yet awaits. After avoiding the Crabs' fuschia grasp, escaping a gauntlet of rotating lasers, and winning a fight against a heavily-armed boss while the fortress walls randomly jut out at you like you're Jerry the mouse trapped inside a piano, you're faced with the real deal: a spidery bastard named Shadow Gear.





A bit more history: since the very first game in the series, Gradius final bosses have always been huge pushovers. Every once in a while, one of them will take a mild interest in shooting some slow-moving projectiles in your general direction, but for the most part they just sit there calmly while you blast away their prefrontal cortex. Gradius III's final boss rather generously conforms to this tradition, but it wouldn't make a difference if he were the most taxing boss in the entire franchise, considering what comes next.





After performing extensive brain surgery on Bacterian, series precedent would have you believe that his death would be followed promptly by a tastefully brief ending scene and then the game's credits. But in order to prevent anyone from ever identifying them--and then presumably seeking revenge--the Gradius III staff threw in one final smurf-you to players everywhere.

As soon as Bacterian bites it, the auto-scrolling accelerates to an insane pace, and you're suddenly challenged to fly through a series of extremely tight corridors, including vertical movements that have to be perfect down to the pixel lest you meet a tragic end. Even grazing the Vic Viper's nose against the corner of a wall will kill you, forcing you to start over from before Bacterian. It's like Stage 4 and Shadow Gear combined into a single, nigh-inescapable deathtrap. And as such, I still haven't beat this game.