I feel like I have to write something about this, because it's been really difficult lately, and I don't think I've written much of anything about it.
My Mother is getting quite difficult. I think "destroying my life" is a bit overly dramatic, but it's a problem, I daresay my foremost problem.
I live with only her, I took care of her for months after she had surgery and my brother moved out, and she's making my life hell. Imposing restrictions, trying to order me around (which, for the sake of self-esteem, I should note doesn't work), throwing out my things, the fits of screaming and swearing, getting angry at me and wishing me dead because I DON'T respond to her...She can't seem to stand the fact that I have a life.
Three things in last two days that I can't see justified, under any circumstances: 1. Telling my best friend that I was busy for the night and couldn't see him, even though I'd said nothing like that, 2. going through MY room and throwing out all my little trophies and medals and things that I'd won in little league and debating and camp and stuff. Some of those meant something to me, and now all I have is one little plaque thingy from last year. She even threw out my junior high graduation certificate. Why? Because I didn't move a couch for her in the morning. 3. Not coming to my brother's graduation. There was no reason for it other than to hurt his feelings, and it's despicable. He didn't do anything to her.
It's getting very difficult to stay calm and act happy these days. She isn't someone I try to listen to, but I live with her, for now, and it's really affecting how I'm acting towards other people. I'm not talking to my friends as much, I'm not talking to people online as nicely, I'm losing marks. Dammit, I shouldn't complain, but it's getting worse. I had a respite over the summer, and now it's getting bad again, and I find myself being depressed during the day again. *sigh* Sometimes I wish I could just have my Mom back...
But it won't happen. I'm just biding time until I can leave, and we both know that now. Tick-tock, tick-tock. I can have so many great things in my life yet this one is managing to make me unhappy. It's just the constant stuff. It's always something. I can't recall she last time she said something nice about anyone or anything, and it's sad. Oh well...
~~Silverlocke
